Fridae

Paul Newman once remarked: "Why settle for fast food outside when you can enjoy steak at home?" In case you don't know, Mr Newman is not a chef but a happily married actor (think Cat on a Hot Tin Roof). So he is really not talking about food but fidelity.

Well, for us gay people, the question might appear puzzling, redundant even. For most gay couples, the more apt question might be: "Why not both?"

Indeed, whether we acknowledge it or not, infidelity is rife in the gay world.

Just from personal experience, the number of monogamous couples I know could be counted on the one hand. Talking to my friends further affirms this observation. So rare are monogamous couples that when you meet one, you are tempted sometimes to seduce one of them (or both if you think you are really good) as a "test".

It does not necessarily mean, however, that fidelity is taken lightly by us gay mob. I am sure the majority of couples started out with the intention of staying faithful - well, for the first year at least. Even singles on their search journeys for a life partner would have a modicum of expectations about "keeping" yourself for the significant other, among other criteria.

But most gay couples do stray. Random surveys would have revealed at least 90% of couples falling into this category (the other 10% being pathological liars). Whether it is a mutually acceptable arrangement (aka the open relationship) or a sneak walk on the wild side unbeknownst to your partner, straying couples are almost common enough to be the norm.

So what is it that pushes couples out from the warmth of each other's arms into the embrace of another? What comfort could there be in strangers or one-night stands (ONS)?

For male gay couples, the answer could just lie in our genetic make-up. More simply put, it is just because we are men - our sex urges often lead us to where level-headed queens fear to tread. Billy Crystal sums it up aptly once: "Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place." Sometimes not even that, as those of us who have had quickies in toilets and cramped offices could testify.

A survey once reported that gay male couples have the most sex and gay female couples the least. So with this in-born need to screw just about anything that moves, it is not surprising really that gay male couples tend to stray.

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However, being more highly sexed is not sufficient in itself to explain why gay couples would tend to stray. The other supporting factor is the ease with which one can get non-obligatory gratuitous sex. And we are talking really, really easy. Feeling horny while your better half is out of town? Log on to any gay chat line and you would be hooked up with the full gamut of gay world types - from muscle men to nanny boys, the ether world is your oyster. Just try not to stretch the truth beyond 10kgs of your actual weight or 5 inches of your waist.

There are also the more traditional avenues like cruising in shopping centres, bars and clubs of course. With an age of gay enlightenment of sorts in Singapore and all around Asia, meeting people just for sex has become even less of a stigma. As a result, ONS has become, dare I say, acceptable and perhaps even expected for gay couples.

As a friend so rightly pointed out, gay couples in themselves are a phenomenon against accepted conventions anyway. In this vein, behaviours expected of a straight couple should not be foisted upon gay couples. And certainly not by our own brethren.

So can there actually be merit to infidelity? Since we are already on a roll about straying from the norm, let us talk first about the advantages.

One that comes to mind immediately is the harmonisation of discordant sex drives. In short, an ONS allows the more highly sexed partner to give vent to pent-up sexual energy. Preferably before the frustration builds up and explodes in a climax that neither partner would have enjoyed. By allowing the "excessive" energy to dissipate, the more sedate partner would also have to rely less on the "I have a headache" excuse to stave off conjugal duties or demands. And hopefully concentrate on the things that are equally important, like talking and sharing.

Another plus point for ONS is the experimentation that can often result in a more interesting sex life for the couple concerned. For some reason or another, it is sometimes difficult for couples to venture into other forms of sexual activities - and we are not just talking about heavy stuff like bondage or fisting.

With a stranger (just call me Dick), it could actually be easier to let yourself go and experiment. After all, you are not about to care if he thinks you mate like a hyena in heat when he will be gone for good in two hours. And after some inhibition-free fumbling around, one might just find the confidence to "try it out" with one's own partner - minus the hyena imitation of course.

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Even if the sex is not earth-shaking or bedpost-bending, the whole act of bedding someone different is sometimes enough to blow off the dust gathering in a long-term relationship. Especially if the sex act is preceded by esteem boosting acts of seduction and words of flattery (as one is wont to employ to get sex). And for the insecure ones with a constant need for reassurance, the undivided attention of an attractive stranger's can do wonders.

Lest all the couples start rushing out in a stampede for their ONS kicks, we should strike a balance and look at the drawbacks too. A clear disadvantage for couples indulging in ONS is the higher risk of contracting STDs. Obviously, the more frequent the sexual encounter, the greater the risk. Worse if protection is not employed. And of course all hell will break loose if you pass on a little present from your ONS last night to your partner the following week.

At danger too is the communication channel that exists between a couple. Even if the relationship is open through mutual agreement, problems will arise when suspicions start creeping into a couple's collective consciousness - did he really use extra safe condoms? Just mutual masturbation? Only once last week? And the list goes on.

And to round it off dramatically, there is the spectre of the "Fatal Attraction". Ok, you might not have your bunny boiled but there is still the hassle of the unwelcome attention. Or the melodrama of somebody's pride or ego being bruised (surprisingly enough, some people do not realise they are just ONSs). Needless to say, the presence of a third party, whether potential or real, can put a tremendous strain on the relationship.

In the final analysis, when it comes to cavorting sexually with strangers, it is really down to the couple concerned to decide. The advantages and disadvantages of either arrangement can only be assessed in the light of each couple's unique needs and desires. With very few conventions to call our own, the opportunity is there for gay couples to claim happiness as they see fit.

A fine balance exists between ideals and practicality. At the end of the day, we should do only what we think we can handle.