Fridae

If there was ever a Top Ten list of the gay man's favourite activities, scouring, dissecting and placing personal ads would surely rank as one of the top three contenders after cruising and sex.

The reason behind the popularity of personal ads amongst the gay community is understandable. Afterall, there are only that many channels a gay man can do to net Mr Right or Mr Right Away. Simply put, you could choose to throw yourself in the path of the hunk-in-question, rely on the charity of friends, cruise until you develop calluses on your feet or place a personal ad. Given the ignominy of in-your-face rejection and the possibility of police entrapment (no, I am not speaking from personal experience), it is no wonder that many gay men prefer the anonymity and the convenience of placing a personal ad.

However, describing yourself in a personal ad can be a tricky event because it's all about selling yourself. Unless you are a writer, a liar or a dial-for-hire hustler, you would know that writing an effective personal ad is far easier said than done. That being the case, Fridae has established a handful of tips on how to craft and create a successful personal ad that would soon result in hunks queuing up to beat down your door (or something to that effect).

Step 1: Choosing The Right Nickname
The first step to placing a personal ad is to create an on-line identity for yourself. Anyone who believed Shakespeare when he wrote: "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet" - is oblivious to the fact that choosing the right nickname can often be the make-or-break factor to online success or failure. So how do you capture your most fetching traits in a simple nickname and yet appeal to the mass gay market? Simple. When choosing a nickname, you can seldom go wrong if you include terms which are associated with physical beauty (yes, we are that shallow), masculine attributes, sporting prowess and any brand of swimwear (ok, ok, I confess to having a weakness for the last one). Examples of popular nicknames would include: "HotFitGuy", "HornyStud", "RuggedMarine", "CuteSchoolBoy" and "HunkySwimmer". Examples of nicknames to avoid like the plague would include: "Cock Sucking Machine", "Bossy Bottoms", "FlamingQueen" and "BlackHole".

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Step 2: Posing For That Perfect Picture
When posting a personal ad, there is always the option of including a picture of yourself. If you possess the dashing good looks of Won Bin, just upload your picture and wait for the deluge of emails that are sure to follow. However, if the countless number of "headless" muscle bods floating around the Internet is any indication, Asian gay men are either a) still suffering from chronic shyness; b) demure cyber-virgins; or c) facially challenged Golems. Whatever the case may be and however desperate you are, NEVER use a picture of yourself being crowned the "Homecoming Queen" at a local drag contest; cutesy pictures of yourself as a child unless you wish to attract hardcore paedophiles; or most importantly, upload a group shot which includes friends who are more attractive than yourself. If you decide not to use a photo but are still required to rate yourself, get a picture of Orlando Bloom. Orlando is a ten. Adjust your scale accordingly.

Step 3: Revealing Your Statistics
This is the most abused category in the world of personal ads and is solely responsible for the bad reputation that one associates with people who advertise online. If half the statistics provided in personal ads are true, then almost everyone has a 29-30 inch waist, work out regularly, or has nice pecs and a firm ass. In fact, if gay chatroom statistics are any indication, then six-inch cocks are a dime a dozen these days but I digress. Just remember, you may add a couple of centimeters to your height, give or take a few kilogrammes off your weight and add an inch or two to your cock but if you weigh as much as Kate Moss' wrist and are of Hobbitt-like dimensions, never ever claim to be a towering muscle god with a porn-star appendage.

Step 4: Knowing Your Target Audience
When crafting your personal ad, it pays to focus on the particular segment of the gay population you really want to target. Since personal ads allow one to specify the characteristics one is looking for in a lover, the basic requirement that one should add is if you are looking for a top or a bottom. No one wants to be caught in the ugly situation when two Legs-up Lucys get into bed and then fight over who will stick what where. For homo-members with more "selective" tastes, it pays to state upfront if you looking for a chub, a submissive bottom, a Dungeon Master, or a fellow member of the whip and nipple clamps brigade. You really don't want to waste time beating about the bush here.

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Step 5: Sharing Your Interests
This is one category where it pays to be honest. There is really no way you can effect a transformation from the scarf-knitting librarian you really are into the triathlon crazed sports coach you claim to be before it's time to meet the guys who responded to your ad.
Hobbies that one should list include: gym (translates into good body with all the right bulges); sports (translates into being tanned, healthy and possibly top); reading (translates into possessing intellectual depth) and pets (translates into caring personality). Hobbies that you should never list would include: eyebrow-plucking (too tragic queen); opera and theatre (too drama queen); dancing topless on podiums (too attention-seeking queen); and flower arrangement or shoe-beading (too homebound queen). (Note: Eating meat is NOT a hobby).

Finally, when crafting and placing a personal ad, the general rule of thumb is to maintain a careful balance between openness and mystery. In other words, paint an alluring picture but don't go over the top and reveal every detail of yourself - you don't want potential stalkers or vengeful ex-es out on parole to know who are you and where you're living or working.

Having said that, you would do wise to keep your expectations realistic and remember that the purpose of personal ads is to attract the maximum number of responses according to compatibility and interests. You are not soliciting marriage proposals nor are you participating in the online version of The (Gay) Bachelor.

And while there is no guarantee that the personal ad you ultimately come up with will deliver to you the man of your recurrent wet dreams, following the simple tips outlined above will (hopefully) put you one step ahead of the game. Just don't forget to do a quick spellcheck first.

Editor's note: Share your true-life tales of horror, lust or pure marital bliss of your experiences meeting people you first met on the Internet and win Fridae Perks memberships!