Fridae

I was reading a few days ago about a gay bashing incident that happened in New York. A man was walking home from a bar when he was accosted by three guys and viciously attacked. Fortunately, the police came while the attack was in progress, and arrested the three. What struck me about the article was not the fact gay bashings still happen, it's what the 53-year-old man did. He fought them, and in the process supposedly hurled handfuls of his own blood on his attackers, to ensure identification later on. His words, "that was all I could do to defend myself, with my own blood that they drew". A brave man.

Many might be shocked by the idea that gay bashings still happen - but the truth is thousands of documented cases happen each year. But that's only the physical bashing. The reality is, many bashers have chosen to take their crusades to a safer, more anonymous venue. The Internet, with its much debated virtues, ills, and undoubted freedom, is their new hunting ground. What could be more convenient, after all? You can even pop a few beers while you satisfy your hunger to assault some 'sick' queen.

Welcome new millennium. Hello, old hates.

True, the assault from online bashers isn't likely to cause death or disfigurement. But it is just as much a violation as the first, if not possibly more dangerous. The possibilities and reach of the Net allows a basher to pretty much spew his acid wherever he chooses, with much greater impunity. He can let his inhumanity run free, until it bubbles to the surface, that much more concentrated. He can have the luxury of being several places at once, and even luring potential victims into dangerous situations, where they can be assaulted in their own homes, or in a ground of the basher's choosing.

So what can one do about it? Much as in the real world, you fight back, with whatever you can. For the gay man in the Internet world, wit is probably the best weapon.

I remember one incidence, some years back while I was still in Singapore. While talking lazily with a few friends in a chatroom, we were subjected to a lengthy diatribe from some self-righteous idiot. I asked my friends to let me handle him. I wasn't hostile, throwing back the same verbal abuse he was pouring onto our pristine monitors. Instead, I tried a different tack. I seduced him.

I asked him why he hated gay men so. Before he could even finish typing his vitriolic reply, I had already launched into my spiel, with meaningful pauses between the typed words.

---

"But don't you ever wonder, lying awake alone in the darkness, if the reason you hate gays is because of your own hungers? Is it because you yearn to be touched. Caressed. To be held in strong male arms. Deep inside, you know what you want. A man, to enfold you, exploring and searching, reaching deep inside you to make you feel complete. Is it?"

He just said, somewhat weakly, that I was sick, and immediately left the chatroom. I wondered then, if I had struck a nerve. Many people believe that bashers are closet cases who cannot accept their own homosexuality, and thus try to push it away by attacking other gay people. With the relative anonymity that chatrooms and online communities provide, some feel that they intimidate and abuse with impunity. I remember another time someone came into a chatroom claiming to be a police officer, and exercise his ego by scaring off the people there. He beat a hasty retreat when the moderators told him that impersonating a policeman was a crime, and that his IP address was being noted down for the authorities. Two can play at the game of bluff, but it always pays to know your rights.

Another motivation bashers have, is vengeance. Maybe he was slighted by a gay classmate (I say he, because statistically, almost all bashers are men - women tend to be much more sensible.), or somehow "lost" to a gay competitor. For some, the idea that a strong, masculine MAN like him could be in any way inferior to a "limp-wristed freak" was intolerable. A friend told me about one incidence, when a would-be basher had his ego seriously bruised when his nasty messages on a yahoogroup elicited hordes of devastatingly witty replies. Unable to frame a suitable rejoinder, he retreated with his tail between his legs. But after a few days of nursing his humiliation, he thought to avenge himself by setting up an eyeball with one of the members of the group and physically "assert his superiority". To his regret and greater humiliation, the victim-to-be turned out to be a tae-kwon-do instructor. Some days, it just doesn't pay to be straight and stupid.

A third kind of basher is the (shudder) religious fundamentalist sort. There is no hope of reaching through the miasma of their religious fervour, and they're not even any fun to bait and toy with. Moderators should just ban their IPs or kick them from the group.

---

Ultimately, bashers are sad, insecure people who try to prove their manhood and machismo by trying to exert power over others. Don't let them. Here are a few ways to defend yourself:

1. Take away their tools. Log IP addresses, note down emails addresses, forward hate email or forum postings to your ISP (Internet Service Provider) or to the basher's ISP. Make sure the person knows that you've got his info and have taken steps to disseminate that info. Make sure he knows you're covered, and that if something happens to you, it'll be traced back to him easily. If you find a gay bashing site online, report it to site's host, and make sure others see and hear of the site. With enough pressure, it'll be taken down before it encourages some young fool about his "superiority".

2. Don't give them what they want. Don't show fear, don't react with hostility, don't pander to their needs. Why give them any satisfaction? For some bashers, it only encourages them, because they feel that they're succeeding in getting under your skin.

3. Don't take risks. Just as you shouldn't walk down a dark alley at night, sniffing a bouquet of flowers while yodelling "Be A Woman", don't meet anyone from the net who seems suspicious. Try to check on the person who's inviting you to eyeball - talk to the person on the phone, or check his address isn't some abandoned building somewhere. Write down any details you can get on the other person, and keep the info somewhere easy to find. Course, for those of us who like rougher trade, well, the line is hard to distinguish sometimes, so be sure to pack your Taser in your purse or buy one of those cellphones with cameras or recorders. Aside from obvious advantages, you can take a snap of anyone who tries to assault you. (For technologically challenged: a Taser is a hand-held remote stun system.)

4. The ignore function is your friend. If someone is getting tiresome, just tune them out. There is little point to talking to an empty room, and ideally, the basher will go away. Otherwise, see Number 1 above.

5. Take them seriously. One disadvantage of being online is that bashers become disassociated from you - you can't see them or hear them. More often than not, you regard them as a nuisance rather than a threat. But they ARE threats, if not to you, then potentially to some sister in the community. Don't give them the chance to try again with someone else, perhaps with better success.

Online bashing doesn't cause real pain, true. But it potentially can cause real harm. Just as you wouldn't allow anyone to physically attack you, don't let them emotionally or verbally violate you either. The Internet is probably the one place where we can all stand proud as equals with the rest of the world. Let no one take that from us.