Fridae

Some months back, I received an anonymous, "Hi, I'm looking for a date," SMS message from someone claiming to have gotten my name and number from a yahoogroup called FilipinoBachelors. Being somewhat paranoid about having my private information made public, I searched for, and joined the group. Strangely, after scrolling through nearly 2,000 messages, I didn't find such a post.

I DID, however, find a group I initially thought was pretty enlightened and intellectual, with fairly involved discussions. But then, as I continued to read, I felt myself growing more and more disturbed. The group professes to be a support group, a place for "men who enjoy intimacy with men. We do not want to be constricted by labels."

And yet, I was outraged to find several posts by the chief moderator himself, spouting such things as "gays are unwelcome, undesirable and unwanted", "we don't want gays here", and "we aren't gay just because of what we do in bed". He goes on to imply that all gay men are effeminate queens, and don't blame us if we look upon them with contempt.

I wrote him an email, questioning the validity of such statements. My point was, as a supposed support group, wasn't he doing more damage to the question of gay identity with his statements? I pointed out that the group has every right to determine policy and membership, but in his role as a moderator, didn't he see that such statements were unfair, and potentially harmful to a person trying to discover and accept his own true nature? Given the true orientation and preference of the members, I asked him if this wasn't exactly the kind of labelling the group was trying to avoid, and offered several examples of how gay men are not all effeminate.

I got a hostile email in reply, saying I was trespassing since I admitted to being gay. I pointed out that he had previously admitted to being gay himself - why was he moderating the group, then. And I asked him to be realistic - did he really think any straight guy would join the group?

He challenged me to a fistfight. I gave up in disgust.

Now I know that some of you may ask what's the fuss. It's just an online group, right? Live and let live and all that jazz, don't join the group, don't waste your time. But I ask you to imagine some confused soul trying to understand his sexuality, and instead being told to "stay discreet and straight-acting, because gays are disgusting and we'll kick you out if you are gay." Some support.

Now, don't get me wrong. People who belong to the group have a right to the way they want to live, although it must get crowded in that tiny closet they all share. But when you start encroaching, nay attacking your own brethren and sisteren just to shore up your small sense of superiority, that gets my dander up. Your choice of lifestyle and degree of out-ness is your own choice. Don't tell me that mine is wrong, when we likely use the same brand of lube.

Granted that most of the members probably belong to various other groups. I myself belong to about 20, and I see a complete range of posts, from people asking for advice, to trying to meet their Mr Right, to casual sex encounters, to paid sex offers, to frivolity and nonsense, to porn and perversion. But unlike gay Philippine-based yahoogroups such as sideb, cruiseguide_ph and binatang pinoy, where members are encouraged to express themselves freely, Filipinobachelors is run like a private fiefdom. Disagree with the moderator, and you get banned. Join a different group he thinks is undesirable and you get banned. Make friends with banned people and you get banned. I mean, hellooooooo!

The sad thing is, many members seemed highly intellectual - exactly the kind of people the gay community needs to grow and be enriched. And yet, with the stigma attached to being gay within the group, these individuals may never open their wings. What's worse, and this was revealed by one of the group's co-moderators, the chief moderator has a habit of creating multiple online personalities to support and agree with his views, creating the impression that these opinions are the group's consensus. Sheesh!

So any Filipinos who read this article, be warned. Perhaps this group may be the right kind of community for you, maybe it isn't. But if you choose to join it, do it with your eyes open.

For members of FilipinoBachelors who disagree with me, I invite you to express yourselves on the Fridae forums. Here, we believe in encouraging communication, not choking it.

As for the guy who sent me the anonymous message: I later found out that he was a friend of my at-the-time-bf-now-history who'd been asked to "check" whether I was sampling some other dishes on the side.

Some people. Sigh.