"Your cheatin' heart will make you weep
You'll cry and cry and try to sleep
But sleep won't come the whole night through
Your cheatin' heart will tell on you."
- "Your Cheatin' Heart," Hank Williams
Ask any gay man you know if he has strayed and the answer in most cases would be a "no" (followed by a wounded look) if he is currently attached and "yes" (followed by a sly smile) if he is currently single.
That being the case, how would you know if your partner is indeed straying behind your back? To begin with, you may wish to put all those years of Nancy Drew reading to good use and do a bit of sleuthing before confronting him.
The reason is simple - you start accusing your partner of straying with nothing but intuition to back you up and you'll risk having insults along the lines of "You're crazy!" thrown in your well-moisturised face while your partner gets away scott-free.
What you should do is study your partner's every move with the same intensity Venus Williams scrutinises tapes of Martina Hingis when preparing her pre-match game plan. While doing so, you must remember to maintain the faade of "business as usual" but be ever-so-alert for the warning signals that may point to straying behaviour.
In some cases, these "stray signals" should be obvious even to Helen Keller. For instance, you discover someone else's G-string (and it's not your size) in the glove compartment of his car or you find credit card receipts from a hotel or a high-end fashion/jewellery store in his pocket only to realise that you're not invited to the former nor the lucky recipient of the latter.
In other cases, these "stray signals" can be extremely subtle. For instance, when he talks about his new male "co-worker" or "friend," his eyes gloss over (and sometimes cross); when he answers a phone call, he does so in tones usually associated with late night DJs dispensing advice to love-struck listeners; or when Hank William's "Your Cheatin' Heart" starts to play on the airwaves, he starts to fidget uncomfortably etc.
Whatever the case may be, Fridae has compiled a list of "stray signals" which when taken singularly or in combination, may provide definitive cues as to whether your beau is straying or about to stray:
1. He starts changing his routine.
In the past: He used to call you three times a day to whisper gag-inducing sweet nothings. In the present: He hardly calls because he claims he's either too busy or his hand-phone battery is flat. In the past: He dreads waking up early to get to work. In the present: He is up before the crack of dawn and cannot wait to leave the house, presumably to get to "work". You get the picture. Any break in routine that is totally out-of-character is definitely a cause for suspicion.
2. He comes home later and later.
A classic tell-tale sign if there ever was one. From late-night dinner meetings to last minute conferences with overseas clients, getting home late on a regular basis is almost always an indication that something is amiss. If in doubt, rent Far From Heaven and commit to memory poor Julianne Moore's discovery of why hubby Dennis Quaid has been keeping long hours at the office.
The chances of you getting your partner to commit to long term plans such as planning a holiday overseas or attending a get-together with friends next month are about as likely as Elizabeth Hurley making a good movie. In fact, all your recent plans involving yourself and your partner have been nothing but short-termed. When pressed to commit, your partner is unable and unwilling to give a committal answer. And it's all because he has already made other plans - only they do not include you.
4. He begins a physical shape-up program for no apparent reason.
For all the years you've known your partner, you have failed miserably to get him to lose his Drew Carey paunch and shape up. Now all of a sudden, he is even more eager than you to hit the gym and applies himself to his workouts with as much intensity as Sylvester Stallone in Rocky I-IV. Either he's a late bloomer of a gym rat or he's doing his darnedest to look good - for someone else.
5. He starts to pay particular attention to his clothes.
Once upon a time, his wardrobe would spell the end of any aspiring stylist. These days, he shops only at style haunts and steps out of the house looking like a model fresh off from doing a spiffy half-turn on a Milan catwalk. The question is: Is he dressing up because he has suddenly seen the light at the end of the fashionista tunnel (not likely) or is he paying attention to his appearance because he is trying to impress someone he's interested in (more likely)?
6. He buys you an overly expensive gift.
Unless your partner is Daddy Warbucks who showers you with gifts on a regular basis, your warning sirens should immediately sound when you receive a nicely wrapped gift from Tiffany, Cartier or Bvlgari. While the more gullible ones in the gay community may wet themselves with joy - the more discerning ones would immediately smell a rat: guilt is at work here.
7. His sexual patterns have changed.
Sexual cycles peak and wane but if your recent bedroom routines have degenerated from wallpaper peeling sex to what amounts to a chaste slumber party, then you may have cause for alarm. Likewise, if your partner has previously been nonchalant about sex but has recently been acting as if he is auditioning for a Bel Ami video, he could be overcompensating to atone for his misdeeds (which is not necessarily a bad thing). Of course, if he shouts out a name other than yours in the heat of passion, you can bet your trusty dildo that your partner is humping someone else behind your back.
8. He's stopped wearing his wedding band.
This is a dead giveaway - especially so if he has been wearing his wedding band since the day the two of you have decided to pledge eternal love as a couple. When confronted, the (weak) excuse usually proffered would be a sudden allergic reaction to (insert the metal of the wedding band). Don't be fooled. The only reason - accidental amputation notwithstanding - why any gay man would remove his wedding band is because he doesn't want another gay man (usually the newfound object of his affections) to find out he's already attached.
He does a Flo-Jo and makes a dash for his hand-phone whenever it rings. He answers his calls in a whisper and takes them out of your listening radius. You start to "discover" unrecognisable phone numbers on his hand-phone. You answer his calls and the other party greets you with terms of endearment usually reserved for newly weds or worse, sex chatlines. In such a scenario, you should trace the call - or you can mimic your partner's voice and unearth even more incriminating dirt directly from the home-wrecking horse's mouth.
10. He excludes you and does things by himself.
While you're at home playing at being the perfect homemaker by cooking, cleaning or home-decorating, your partner is always out with "the boys" painting the town red or going away "by himself" to exotic locations on weekends. You should be doubly suspicious if when confronted about who his "buddies" are - he changes the topic or mumbles something inaudible. I say hire a detective or better yet, go undercover in drag and gather the evidence yourself. (Caution: Avoid going out looking like the lead actors in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert - the first rule of detective work is not to draw attention to yourself).
Having said that, if all - and I repeat all - of the above "stray signals" are present, then it's 99.9% certain that your partner is a strayer. And in the event that your partner really turns out to be a strayer, do not fly into a dramatic rage and demolish his apartment/burn his wardrobe and/or boil his pet bunny, etc.
Maintain your wits about you (poise in adversity is a much admired virtue!), confront him with the facts and then rake him over the coals. It is usually the case that when presented with irrefutable evidence, most strayers would cave in and beg for forgiveness.
If you decide not to forgive and forgive, you may wish to douse him in lighter fuel and torch him like a holy Christian martyr or do a Lorena Bobbitt and nip the problem in the bud (ouch!).
But if you decide to show how magnanimous you are by taking him back, you can expect to be treated like royalty for weeks or months to come while reminding him of why he fell in love with you in the first place - provided he's truly repentant and not a serial strayer.
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