Fridae

"I don't care if he's young or old
Just make him beautiful
I just want some strong man to hold on to
I want MUSCLES!"

- "Muscles" by Diana Ross.

When I first joined the gym with muscles the size of melon seeds, the gym was a mean and dispiriting place. Like any sensitive fag, I was immediately intimidated by the scores of Muscle Marys who appeared to be hovering around workout stations gossiping about yours puny.

Thankfully, those insecure gym moments are a thing of the past for I have acquired a body of death that any Chippendale dancer would die for (or so I'm told). That is except for my anorexic Kate Moss-like legs, which stubbornly refuse to sprout any muscles, but I digress.

Personally, I find the gym to be a most wonderful place: It possesses all the advantages of a gay bar - it's full of sweaty and scantily clad gay men - and none of its disadvantages - there's no need to worry about CED (Cosmetic Effect of Darkness) when picking up your choice of prime beefcake. That said, cruising at the gym still remains an acquired skill governed by commonsensical "dos" and "don'ts."

As with all forms of cruising, you need first to establish eye contact with the muscle man you find most desirable. Do not ogle - staring open-mouthed at his bulging (insert favourite muscle of choice) is not going to get you an invitation to play with it.

Speaking as a gay man well-versed in the coquettish art of meaningful glances, I would recommend throwing a suggestive glance towards your intended and shifting your gaze downwards (i.e. pretend to develop a sudden interest in cheap floor carpeting) when he catches you staring at him.

Then raise your head shyly to confirm if interested party is indeed returning the glance. If he does, hold on to his gaze and repeat the abovementioned steps. When you think the optical flirting has gone on far enough, you may wish to let a hint of a Mona Lisa smile escape from the corner of your mouth. If he smiles back, you can start to reel him in by striking up a conversation (how demure!) or leading him to the locker/ shower/ steam room (how forward!).

As a general rule of thumb, you should engage in cruising only when both you and your target are resting or between sets. To prevent any injury or training mishap, you should concentrate on giving your muscles a good workout and on maintaining the right posture - not on the incredible ass in skintight spandex in front of you - when working out. Likewise, try not to catch the eye of someone currently attempting to power-lift 200 pounds - you do not wish to branded as the harlot in that unfortunate hernia incident.

In addition to exchanging smoldering glances and suggestive smiles, you may wish to further indicate your interest by following your target from workout station to workout station. However, exercise care not to trail too blatantly or too closely - always finish your set first before you start stalking.

The reason is simple - you do not want to appear as if you are that desperate (even if you really are) or as if you have never seen a body like that before (even if you really haven't). (Note: Now if you're really determined, you can even re-arrange your gym schedule so that your workouts coincide with those of your muscle dreamboat.)

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However, if all the aforementioned techniques fail to arouse any reciprocal interest, he could be straight, not interested, still clueless or too shy. If he's straight or not interested, switch target immediately (unless you're a masochistic Muscle Mary then you're on your own). If he's clueless or too shy, you should leave the wallflower act at home and behave more brazenly.

While this does not mean that you should start throwing yourself at the feet of your muscle god in an act of body worship, it does mean that you could and you should walk right up to him and ask (in a butch manner) if you could "work-in." "Working-in" is a term which in gym parlance amounts to asking someone for permission to get in a set on a machine while he is resting between his sets on the same machine. The perks of "working in" are manifold.

Firstly, you get to stand in close proximity to your muscle bound target as he flexes and grunts his way through his set; secondly, you get to enjoy his body heat emanating from the still-warm butt seat and soak in his fresh sweat (if you're into that kind of stuff); and finally, if you're lucky, you may find an opportunity to strike up a conversation with your muscleman in-between your sets.

When trying out opening lines, do not use absurd ones such as "Do you come here often?" (of course he does!) or camp ones such as "Don't you think my matching headbands and wristbands are to die for?" Instead, go for flattery - they almost always work. For instance, if you're "working-in," you may wish to ask him how he managed to train his chest/biceps/triceps, etc, so well. Or if you're a wanton of my caliber, you may wish to forgo all that oral foreplay and just use one of my favourite pick-up lines on loan from Fabio and exclaim: "My God! You're almost as beautiful as I am!"

Alternatively, you could pick the walking steroid of your dreams and ask (with eye lashes fluttering madly) if he could "spot" you. "Spotting" is another gym term which refers to "soliciting" the assistance of someone when working out. Of course, how and in what position you wish your target to "spot" you is entirely up to your wicked imagination.

My personal favourite is the horizontal chest press on the bench. Unless the guy is willing to straddle you across your chest, chances are he'll stand with his legs apart (how divine!) and his groin above your face (how heavenly!) so that he can catch the barbell should you fail to get it back where it belongs. Of course, if you're devious enough, you would do as I would and pick someone wearing loose shorts so that you can sneak a delicious peek and check out his family jewels.

One final warning: When cruising, do not under any circumstances try to show off by lifting more weight then you know you can lift properly for the proper number of sets. You do not want to subject yourself to the humiliation of sudden and uncontrolled bouts of incontinence while straining to lift over-heavy weights.

(Up next month: More sure-fire tips on how to cruise at the gym locker room and shower room without getting yourself thrown out by the nosy security personnel. In the meantime, just click the link below and share your gym cruising 'sexploits,' rejection tales and/or tips in the forums.)