Fridae

Dear Alvin,

I have a problem with my boyfriend. We've been together for three months now, and have gone steady after the first one. I'm in love with him. He's the kind of guy I've always wanted: smart but not a nerd, sweet but not flamboyant, good looking but no David Beckham so as to draw too much attention.

Sex is awesome as well, but ironically that's exactly where our problem lies: it's one-sided. With other partners, sex was always a two-way street and I have played both top and bottom. However, he's old fashioned and will only play bottom. Don't get me wrong, I love doing him, but I can't help wondering how amazingly good it would feel to be the taker in bed with him.

You would fully back me up if you saw his dick - let's just stick to the thought that the fact he only enjoys being bottom is one big waste. And I mean really big. He said he's done it before and didn't like it. What do I do?

Tired Giver

Dear Tired Giver,

According to an informal survey conducted around the Fridae office, your affliction is a most common complaint amongst sexually frustrated gay men - not getting any dick up your ass! When confronted with an "anal-retentive" partner, here are some possible solutions you can consider:

Solution #1: Invest in sex toys
If your boyfriend is wonderful in all aspects except for his lack of desire to penetrate you anally, you may wish to overlook that particular let-down and invest in a good dildo, cucumber or coke bottle and practice some DIY anal sex.

Solution #2: Have a good talk
Try talking to him and convincing him that your anus is no Audrey the killer plant from the Little Shop of Horrors. Then encourage and entice him to give it a go and do your best to ensure that it is a pleasurable experience for the both of you.

Solution #3: Cultivate self-acceptance
If all else fails, you should learn to accept your boyfriend for the complete bottom that he is. Instead of lamenting over your situation, you should exhibit good grace and practice hard at being the "man" in the relationship.

Extreme Solution: Get yourself another man
Finally, if you find yourself not "up" to the task outlined in Solution #3, then you may wish to bid adieu to your boyfriend and look for a real gay man - in which case you may have to wait in a long, long line because for every top, there's at least fifty bottoms out there.

Strictly A Top (oh stop laughing!),
Alvin Tan

Alvin,

My girlfriend left me eight months ago because she found someone new whom she really loves. Throughout the whole eight months, we remained very close friends and continued to be sexually active because I still love her like hell and need her desperately. At the same time, she also wants to make sure that I'll be able adapt to my new life without her.

This is freaking me out coz I did not intend to hang on to her for so long. All I wanted is for her to be around till I can slowly get on with life, but my feelings are controlling me. Her current girlfriend works overseas and they only get to see each other once a year or less. What should I do? I've tried every way to forget about her. Anything else I can do to help myself? Should I carry on in this "sex-only" relationship?

StiLovinHer

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Dear StiLovinHer,

I am this close from reaching over for my whisky soda and emptying its contents over your head as a wake-up call. You are what is known (and feared) throughout the dating scene as a "cling-on." For goodness sake, your relationship ended months ago and your girlfriend dumped you!
You are only kidding - no, deluding - yourself if you believe you need your ex-girlfriend to be around while you "slowly get on with life." The opposite is true - with her around, you will be constantly reminded of all the good times you've spent together and you will never be able to move on.

What you desperately need to do is to renounce your current existence as a leech and let go of your girlfriend. Go out, socialise, meet new girls - just do whatever you can to get your life back on track.

Ever So Sensitive,
Alvin Tan

Hello Alvin of Fridae,

How do you change your love/crush for someone to mere friendship? I've known my course mate for six months and he's been with his boyfriend for a couple of years. We get along well and have become good pals. We even had soft sex a couple of times.

Recently, I realised that I am a bit trapped. I am still pretty sure that I don't really love him that much, yet I can't get him of my mind. I have the urge to take over him and started to get over-sensitive, frustrated and irrational. I have been battling with my feelings for three months now.

Logically, I know I should change my mindset and focus on the other aspects of my life. I know that I have hardly any chance with him. I tried to know more friends, do other stuff, but still I can't stop myself from getting close to him. Like a pal said, you know what should be done, but your heart refused to follow.

Because of my irrational behavior, we end up feeling awkward at certain times but remained good pals. And I have to see him almost everyday. I really want to put a stop to my desires but I don't wish to jeopardise our friendship. I am trying, but I've made very little or no progress. What's wrong here? Please advise.

Heart Doesn't Follow The Mind.

Dear Heart Doesn't Follow The Mind,

According to the psychos� I mean psychologists I have consulted, there are only two ways through which one can transform or moderate one's intense emotions for a man into more sedate feelings usually associated with mere friendship.

Method 1: Spot and magnify the flaw(s)
Scrutinise the object of your obsession closely and look really hard for any flaw(s) - real or imagined - and focus all your attention on it. Proceed to magnify the flaw until it completely overwhelms (and kills) whatever interest you may have in the aforementioned object. My personal recommendations would be to look out for untrimmed nostril hairs, offensive underarm odour, stained underwear, mental unsoundness and an appalling lack of fashion sense.

Method 2: Indulge in role-playing
Imagine yourself in the role of the home-wrecking hussy and then play out the different scenarios - all of them tragic. Picture yourself being labeled a whore and beaten with brooms by your pal's boyfriend and his mahjong pals or re-enact a public shaming ritual where you are pelted with rotten fruits and disowned by everyone you know. Trust me, nothing kills a raging hardon faster than the mental image of oneself with facial bruises and clumps of hair torn out.

Your Friend Indeed,
Alvin Tan

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Dear Alvin,

Been having this question that I really like to ask regarding my relationship with this 17-year-old chap (I am 20). I've been out with him for quite some time and we really have a good time together.

I'm very attentive to him: I make sure he gets what he wants� but I guess I'm not getting enough response from him. I must always send him a message before he will reply and sometimes he will just say that I am very irritating.

I feel like asking him about LTR but I'm afraid I will get a disappointing answer from him. He is still a student while I am working. I am very afraid of losing him in the future, since he is a bisexual. He is only attracted to men who are handsome and have gorgeous bodies. I don't have either of those.

I am also very worried about my performance. Everything is ok except when I want to penetrate him, my dick will go limp. I have to inform you that I am still a virgin, I never have sex with anyone before and he is my first love. What can I do about my limp dick? I get a bit nervous as I am worried that I can't fill up him since my penis is so short! I feel inferior when I strip naked in front of him. What can I do about this?

Please advise, I am at a loss, I need your advice badly. Please reply me ASAP, as I don't want to lose my boyfriend.

Yours sincerely
Dylan

Goodness gracious Dylan!

You must have committed heinous crimes in your past life to deserve your current fate!

To put things into perspective, let's do what Martha Stewart would do and start a list: you have a boyfriend who's a bisexual (first "no-no"); you have a boyfriend who's better looking than you (second "no-no"); you are neither good-looking nor an Adonis (third "no-no"); you feel inferior to your boyfriend (fourth "no-no"); you have no "bedroom experience" (how many "no-nos" is that?); and you suffer from "limp-dick-gitis" (I lost count already!).

After making that list and checking it twice, even yours truly is at a loss! On the one hand, I could lie and reassure you that everything will turn out fine. On the other hand, even I am not that cruel.

For the good of your self-esteem and to avoid future heartache, I would suggest that you give up your boyfriend - at least that way, you could console yourself with the fact that you were the one who dumped him and not vice versa.

Ever So Sympathetic,
Alvin Tan

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Hi Alvin,

I've read your previous articles and am amazed by how you can dissect any one problem and get to the root of the matter. Bravo! Here is my problem: I am a young achiever (twenty year old Honours student), a model, and am known as the "bashful gentleman" by my many friends. Well, that's me by day. By night, I'm a chat entertainer. You know, those "straight-looking" models who strip for pay on webcam. Do I like doing it? Yes. But why am I doing this? Guys like me should be working at a bank, museum, or library, right?

Stripper with Honours

Dear "Bashful Gentleman,"

As an equally young achiever who strives to keep up appearances as a socialite by day and earn a secret living as a go-go dancer by night, I can completely empathise with you. However, having impressive academic credentials and a model-worthy exterior does not disqualify one from earning a living through "adult entertainment." Just ask my dear friend Annabel Chong!

The most important thing is that you enjoy what you're doing! Rather than follow the well-trodden career path of working at a bank, museum or library (how dreadfully boring), you have chosen to "expose" yourself to the wonders of the worldwideweb! Remember, it's not what you're doing that matters, it's how well you're doing it!

And as for why are you doing what you doing, there are two trains of thought. Your detractors will probably tell you that you're vain, glorious and an attention-seeking whore who lives off your looks. Ignore them. Your supporters (including myself) are of the view that you're beautiful and youthful enough to earn a living stripping and jerking off in front of a webcam - so make the best of it!

Now how do I get a free preview?

Your Career Counselor,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality/ religion/ sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin.