Fridae

"Some girls, they like candy, and others, they like to grind,
I'll settle for the back of your hand somewhere on my behind.
Treat me like I'm a bad girl, even when I'm being good to you,
I don't want you to thank me, you can just spank me."

- Madonna, "Hanky Panky"

One night, while I was trying to appear "nonchalant" at the local gay bar and attempting to sip my lychee marguerite without smearing my lip gloss, in walked my friend with a gait one would associated with a rodeo contestant who have had to endure one too many rounds on the mechanical bull.

As he attempted to perch himself on the barstool in a manner similar to the way patients with piles would approach a seat of thorns, my curiosity was peaked and I just had to ask: "What happened? Got an atomic wedgie?"

In response to my obvious concern for his physical well being, he shot me a dirty look that would make even Hugh Hefner blush and refused to speak to me. Still, I am nothing if not persuasive.

After much cajoling on my part and after swearing on my Girl Guide's honour that I would not tell a soul, my friend finally confessed. "I got spanked by my boyfriend," he said in a most sheepish manner.

Being the epitome of sympathy, I responded in the way any concerned friend would - I burst out in hyena-like laughter and rocked back-and-forth like a carried-away Stevie Wonder while he glared at me in anger and mounting regret for having trusted me with his shame.

Wiping away my tears of mirth and suppressing another bout of hysterical laughter, I managed to compose my self before my friend was tempted to throw his vodka martini in my Botox-free face.

Thankfully, I managed to redeem myself and placate him by piling him with drinks throughout the night and promising to "counsel" his boyfriend on the finer art of giving a good spank.

Having made that promise, I decided to conduct a survey amongst my circle of gay pals (both "spanker" and "spankee") on what makes a good spank before dispensing advice to my friend's "pain-in-the-ass" boyfriend (pardon the pun).

Based on the blush-on-(both)cheeks-inducing inputs, permit yours truly to present Fridae's guide to giving a good spank:

Step 1: Seek Consent
If your partner is an advocate of vanilla sex, he may need a lot of convincing and persuading before he agrees to be on the receiving end of a good spank. If however, your partner happens to be a seasoned practitioner of S & M, then chances are he'll be into spanking (and a lot more).

Whatever the case may be, you should always seek consent from your partner and make sure he actually enjoys the sensation of your hands delivering slaps to his butt cheeks before you start spanking away like a maniac on bongo drums.

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Step 2: Use Your Hand
If you are an absolute beginner, never ever start your sexpedition into the bedroom art of spanking using a paddle or a ping-pong bat. You are liable to cause physical injury with the aforementioned equipment if you happen to get swept away by the heat of the moment.

Instead, always use your hand - or rather your palm - so that you will be able to control the force of the spank (see Step 5 below). Furthermore, using the "hands-on" approach would ensure that you get to feel the ass-spanking connection "first-hand" (all right, I'll stop with the bad puns now).

Step 3: Be Considerate
As the spanker, you should always be considerate to the person to whom you are giving a tight ass-whopping. If the palms of your hands have the texture of sandpaper, then invest in a good moisturiser. Likewise, check that your nails have been trimmed and any jewellery removed before you start your spanking session.

Most importantly, always warm up your hands - especially if the hanky spanky takes place in an air-conditioned room. The screams (not of pleasure) that erupt from the spankee arising from the contact of crypt-cold hands on buttocks can shorten the lifespan of many an erected cock. So rub your hands together and make sure that they are properly "warmed up" before you start spanking.

Step 4: Connect Correctly
When giving a good spank, knowing which part of the butt to aim for and strike is most important. As a general rule, where there is more "meat," there will be less "pain" and more "pleasure" - so with your loosely cupped palm, aim for the plumpest part of the butt cheek(s).

According to spank literature, the G-spot for spanking is located near the lower part of the butt-crack. Spanking this specific area will provide maximum stimulation to the erogenous zones while resulting in a satisfying loud "whack." However, if you are confronted with a butt the dimensions of J Lo's or Fergie's, then ignore Step 4 and strike blindly.

Step 5: Use Moderate Force
Always begin by spanking lightly. Never begin with a spank so powerful it sends your partner flying off the bed - otherwise you may find yourself hauled up to a police station for sexual abuse.

Assess your partner's reactions before increasing or decreasing the force of each spank.
If he exhibits signs of pain or discomfort, you should tone down your spanks. If, however, he howls for you to "spank harder" then you may wish to oblige by giving his behind a hard spanking.

With that, we have come to the "end" of our lesson on how to deliver a good spank. Now it's time to get your partner to bend over your knees for some butt-reddening hanky panky spanky!