Fridae

In many respects, it was the perfect holiday for a Paris Hilton wannabe such as myself: My partner and I were invited to spend a weekend at The Club at The Legian which comes complete with a private pool, dedicated limousine service and a personal butler at my beck and call (imagine that!).

Upon arrival at Ngurah Rai International Airport, we were whisked off in style to our villa located in the tranquil district of Seminyak. After spending a good two hours instructing my adorable butler on the different commands associated with different types of finger-snaps, I wiled away the day unpacking my modest wardrobe from my four authentic Made-in-Maboonkrong Louis Vuitton suitcases.

Emerging (much much later) from my private villa clad in an exact replica of the infamous almost there jungle print Versace gown J Lo wore to the 2000 Grammys (yes, yes, I know it's so year 2000 but it's the perfect dress for a tropical adventure so be quiet!), I was all ready for my social whirl!

Our first stop: The Hulu Caf� located at 23A Sahadewa (between Jalan Padma and Jalan Melasti) in the Legian area, a gay joint famous for its drag performances. Following my grand entrance (complete with my Windsor wave), the charming manager of The Hulu Caf� immediately recognized that I was no common patron (he had eyes after all) and came over to strike up a conversation.

According to the former drag performer made good, the typical clubbing pattern for a gay night-out in Bali begins with catching a drag performance at The Hulu Caf� before the crowd migrates to dance the night away at the gay clubs along Seminyak.

While the drag performers at The Hulu Caf� were a hoot and put up a professional show, the star of the night definitely goes to the gigantic drag queen with arms as hairy as a tarantula's who mimed to Cher before pitching one of his silicon implants into the audience and drenching yours truly from well-coiffured head to well-pedicured toe.

If not for the fact that I could carry off the cling-to-the-body see-through look with panache, I would have insisted on a public apology there and then but I digress. My only grouse was the crowd which comprised mainly of straight Caucasian tourists and their obese spouses, although that was somewhat assuaged when the local gay populace made their appearance around midnight.

Many drinks and countless drag performers later, we bade goodbye to our newly acquainted Balinese friend and made our way to our second stop: Q Bar and Kudos Bar and Lounge located across each other along Dhyana Pura in the up-market area of Seminyak.

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Q Bar has earned itself a reputation as Bali's premier late-night gay bar towards which the hip gay population gravitates (and I use the term "hip" here very loosely). The d�cor of the club comprises mainly of an oval bar (serving cocktails and food) located at the center of the club, a dance-floor and an open verandah littered with sidewalk tables.

Directly opposite, Kudos lays claim to being the "busiest gay bar" in Seminyak and unlike Q Bar, it is completely screened from the public eye, thanks to panels of frosted glass, and boasts of a gigantic TV screen showing frowning Supermodels sauntering down catwalks.

Unfortunately, at around 1.30 am, both Q Bar and Kudos were still nothing like the body-to-body grind typical of gay clubs back home in Singapore (maybe it's a Friday night thing?) and many a times, I found myself trying hard to stifle the yawns which threatened to escape from my notoriously deep throat.

As I sipped my margarita daintily and tried to dimple prettily, I came to the conclusion that club d�cor on this paradisal island comprises mainly of a single disco ball circa Saturday Night Fever and some spotlights with a fuzzy sound system thrown into the mix.

Being a gym bunny hailing from the "sticky rice" clan, I was also utterly dismayed by the dearth of Asian gay men and had to settle for a selection of sun burnt tourists and limp-wristed locals (many of whom have never worked out on a Nautilus machine before) for my eye candy.

The only highlight of my night time homo-venture was a compliment paid to yours truly by one of the native gay boys who said that I was a "pretty kupu kupu malam" (no doubt when translated means "the beautiful goddess from foreign shores")!

(Editor's Note: The term "kupu kupu malams" actually translates into "night butterflies" and refers to natives [both male and female] who provide sexual services for a fee - or in other words, prostitutes.)

Having said that, if sun-kissed ebony-hued gay boys with lean bodies and a charming lack of pretence are your cup of tea, then you will find Bali's gay clubbing scene to be most rewarding. What's more, the gay clubbing scene in Bali has a laid back feel and there's far less "attitude". But most importantly, the drinks are a real steal and extremely potent compared to their watered down counterparts in Singapore.

Unfortunately, despite all its relaxed and tropical charms, the gay nightlife in Bali turned out to be a disappointment - at least to a city homo-person such as myself. And as my partner and I finally decided to call it a night, I finally understood how dear Paris and Nicole felt on the set of The Simple Life.