As much as I hate to admit it, there are two types of gay boyfriends in this world: The Ones Who Cheat, and The Ones Who Don't Cheat. If you are a stickler for details, you could sub-divide them into various sub-categories like 'The Ones Who Technically Don't Cheat Because You Don't Know About It' or 'The Ones Who Technically Don't Cheat Because They Told You About The Cheat After The Cheating'. I have to admit that when I first came out, I belonged to the cheating category whereby the ex-boyfriend is kept in the dark with regards to my after-hours activities. Call me an asshole for not being faithful. But gaydom to any newly out homosexual is all too enticing and tempting to not cheat on one's boyfriend.
Thus, it was with this idealism that I approached my first gay relationship which lasted 37 months (it sounds better than three years and a month). Year One was passionate and overflowing with cheesy declarations of love. Year Two started to get boring and we started running out of ways to improvise and innovate somewhere between the 117th - 146th sessions of sex. Year Three however, was just fraught with scandals on my part. You could just imagine what the leftover month was like. Fists were involved, and not in a 'fisting with jockstraps' kinda way as one critic on my previous column commented. I think I scarred the boyfriend in ways that only another relationship could heal. For that, I ought to be crucified ala Madonna minus the shiny disco bits (because flashing lights give me seizures).
Looking back, I cheated on the boyfriend mainly because I got bored of having sex with the same person over and over again. Not that my ex didn't out-perform himself. I guarantee you that he's superb as a bedding partner and I would enthusiastically provide a referral if he ever needed one. That being said, I like variety too. I mean, you can be crazy about bak chor mee (minced meat noodles), but imagine eating the same noodles every day! Just because I like my sex to involve two phallic objects (his and mine) does not mean they have to be the same two phalluses every time.
Which brings me to another thought: If my parents who have been happily married for 22 years can do it with nary a scandal in sight, then why can't the typical gay relationship survive past a measly three years? Even if they got together only because of me (I'm 23 this year, do the scandalous math), they stuck with it for more than two decades, which puts me and my ex's 37 month record to shame. The love I have for my fellow man can be just as pure and universal as the love a man has for a woman. So why can't gay men keep their willies in their pants? Or maybe I should be asking, "What's love got to do with it?"
Truth be told, I've always felt that boy-boy love is just more fraught with trials and tribulations. Not only do you fight to get accepted by the general public, sometimes you even have to fight to get accepted for being who you are in the gay circle. How many times have we heard nasty gossip going round about the hot guy with the fugly boyfriend? Or the spring chicken going out with the grandfather? Or the Asian and his Caucasian boyfriend? So maybe all this pressure gets to us, and we resolve it through…promiscuity?
And who amongst us is truly innocent? We wear out tightest best to the gym and the clubs. We are religious disciples who worship at The Temple of Free Weights. We preen and pimp ourselves out, subjecting ourselves to never-ending beautification regimes and self-improvement rituals, not just for our boyfriends, but also in the hope of looking hot to random strangers and the world at large. Okay, maybe I speak only for myself. But even happily attached or "married" men with partners have been known to flirt with me. So what happened to being faithful? Are men biologically incapable of not wanting to sow their wild oats? Are two gay men simply just double the trouble?
Well, eight years down the pink and glittery road to being gay, I guess I've had my fair share of bad relationships and cheating men to spot a good deal when I see one. The current boyfriend (#3, and hopefully the last) intends to stay faithful, if not forever, then at least for now. And oddly enough (given my history), so do I. True, the never-ending temptation of the dirty SMSes and hot men at the clubs are still there, but I've found my perfect dish, and he tastes different everytime I eat him. And right now, that's all the variety I need.
Jonathan Zhang has been gay for eight years, a nurse for four, attached and not cheating for three (months), and pretty much one of low-intellect for like, ever. You can read the combined average of the above in his blog at www.spankthemalenurse.blogspot.com Ah Men! will be updated every Sunday..
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..but again - as I said about the last article - this kinda stuff, or rather the way it is writen, only gives people the amunition to say that all gay guys sleep around, play around and rarely stick to one person. NOT true for most of us! Please don't encourage others to see it like this article presents otherwise how do you think we will ever have and equal place in society?!
And Johnathon - your blog really is great! It is writen very well and the content is amusing! Why in all your articles do we seem to be dredging through the gutters in terms of your language use and content! U clearly have a good writing ability from reading ur blog - please dont change your style when u write for fridae.com!
commitment and monogamy are ideals that are easily adopted based on str8 culture, but difficult to live up to in the culture that surrounds us. hell, even our str8 counterparts are not so good at it, though most are much to worried about getting caught to actually admit to it.
keep this article in your scrapbook...and refer to it when you're in your 40's. by then, you may actually have enough experience to write such an article and be respected for it's depth...gained by age, experience...and having some wrinkles and a bit of fat that make monogamy start to feel more a requirement than a luxury. either way, enjoy the journey! :-)
toodles,
David of the Bangkok Way
Gays s are more promiscous because we don't have "hymen" as proof of virginity. We can't procreate and have babies and mind that cheating can be huge disaster to the family and kids.
Well back to our own commitments, if we can't have a truly monogamous relationship, what about
having clean sex buddies for safe group sex while we maintain our relationship.
or doing Swingers club styles.
But if vow has been exchanged in (gay) marriage
it should be honoured for life.
I support gay marriage, for those who really want and will preserve their love to death do us part.
But for those who still seek open relationship better be honest upront and not to promise anything.
Straight or gay doesn't really matter.
1. How he presents himself here at Fridae, is it
a "meat" package, or more into relationship
package.
If you're looking for one night stands, sex, fun
go for those who present themselves as
"easy" and "sexy" kinds LOL
So better to look for guys that are fully clothed
instead LOL
No offense to those on semi nude or even
nude pics LOL
Thank goodness I don't put my nude pics here
:D
2. What are the places of these guys to hang
out at ?
Gay bars ? Bath houses ? Gay saunas and
massage parlors ?
Well good luck, if they will stay faithful......
Straight guys who always lust and crave
for sex all the times looking for O.N.S s
hookers (paid or free), they will likely to
be trouble makers in the relationship
3. How's their opinion about sex before marriage
(I mean commitment) in gay world. Is it quite
OK ?
The more liberal their opinions are, the more
likely they will cheat.
If you feel you can't be honest and you likely to cheat
better SAY IT UPFRONT..............
Is it OK if I sleep with other guy if I got horny......
Do you mind with safe casual sex with other ?
Or are you OK with threesome or group sex ?
If he answers
I don't mind at all, it would be fun............
So nothing to argue about then
so question is where is all the real straight acting gays
that other real acting gays looking for?
if straight men were getting their fare bit of sex compare to us, do u think they ll go for commitment and monogamy?
i m sorry. i most cases, even IF straight men are getting enough sex (sorry again, strike that, there is never enough sex), straight men still cheat, just like any other hot blooded male.
being monogamy is just an ideal, just like virginity vows, veil wearing or any amount of social (however nonsensical) ideals.
if it works for you and u are happy, fine.
That's a real good point you brought up.
Maybe i can offer you some insight about gay life in sg, and why the article is pretty tame by your standards.
Sgporeans are (among other things), pampered, brainwashed and .... pampered I guess. They are not as 'hardcore' gay as those in the West. Who else would they have to be their relationship idols but momma and dad.
Your closing sentence is hell appropriate. This day and age, we do whatever we want to get our thrills.... This is the Generation -Next.
However, some govt, like where Jon comes from, does not encourage boat-rocking.
Maybe you should write for Fridae.com instead and zip the gays in this part of the world into the 21st century.
I so don't think so.
Everyone has their personal understanding of "relationship", "love", and what it takes to build a successful relationship. If 2 people get together who believe in the same things, that's called compatibility.
If you haven't talked about it, then you're not in a relationsihp. Be honest with each other, talk things out, communicate your wants, desires and expectations.
It may not be a skill that many people in their 20's have acquired, but neither is it a skill that many people in their 30's, 40's, or older have either.
Honestly? Honesty is the best policy.
Even if that is not true one day, there can be the "yeah, yeah, yeah ... i cheated", "call me an asshole for not being faithful", and of course "who amongst us is truly innocent?"
One more thing, I like your "group portrait" a lot. Witty.
If not and despite its shortcomings I felt compelled to reply to J's topic and throw a couple of thoughts/observations into the web-wind.
Firstly, no gay relationship can be compared to a heterosexual one. We are different and play by our own set of rules (no matter how angelic one feels one is). Gut impulses can be disguised but not hidden. Male-Female moulds cannot be the image to aspire to, or at least held as the 'ideal'. Men think/act/feel/react differently and so M2M relationships carry their own unique signature.
Secondly, monogamy has been dying a slow death for some time (both sides of the sexual fence). I personally feel we gay boys (and possibly girls) are ahead of the (majority) trend. We set the rules for 'open relationships'. Perhaps the minority is taking the lead of things to come...?
We're unique, just like everyone else :)
"But gaydom to any newly out homosexual is all too enticing and tempting to not cheat on one's boyfriend."
we deserve to be discriminated don't we?
i always believe homo can be faithful....
yours faithfully,
TCP
A lot of gay men tend to look at the world with rose coloured glasses. Trust me, broken hearts are not exclusive to hetrosexual couples. Neither is being faithful. Its a personal choice. But people who day dream about finding mr. perfect, falling in love and living happily ever after are not in the real world at all. It takes a lot of invested time, energy and effort to make a relationship work. So to Playboy, yes I am older and know more than you. Bite me!.
However, Jonathan, try to avoid those comments put into brackets such as: (I'm 23 this year, do the scandalous math) or (#3, and hopefully the last). Sorry for being so fussy but I think it's important to let the text flow...
Looking forward to next Sunday!
While I agree with the first, I think the second is wholly determined by the individual's personality, maturity level, and social environment. I can honestly say that I have never once cheated on a significant other, and nor have I felt compelled to. A quick survey of my closest friends reveals that none of them have either - and these are people who would certainly let the world know the minute they'd pulled a root. I suspect one's social circle makes a great deal of difference as to the acceptability of this practice. Birds of a feather flock together as they say, and I think that cliche fits this scenario. But peer pressure and social cohesion (the almight pressure to contribute to the scandalous rumour mill that pervades every gay subculture) might explain away the heady encounters one has in their late teens and early twenties. When this type of behaviour extends further it seems to me that it is more likely due to a conscious choice that this is the type of lifestyle the person enjoys. Afterall, who habitually makes the same "mistake" without aiming to remedy it on a long-term scale? The alternative is that the person lacks any ability to deal with confrontation and would prefer to let things happen to them, rather than address them in a proactive manner.
Suffice to say, and in an effort to stem my word-count and save you all from dying of boredom, deceit in relationships is wholly avoidable and the simplest way to do that is to be honest with yourself about what it is that you want. Don't stay in a relationship that isn't working. Confront issues rather than painting over them. Easier said than done I know... But this isn't a forum for solutions is it...? :)
In my personal view, the typical PLU phases are:
(1) In the first love, when a gay man was very naive and first exposed to PLU circle, he tends to believe in true love and a truthful relationship.
(2) After a painful relationship and get to know more PLUs, he started to enjoy the varieties.
(3) When age is catching up, and after trying many of the varieties, a gay man will tend to settle down and lookinig for a more stable relationship.
So, identify which phase is your partner going through now.
Has aids and STDs never crossed anyone's minds?
Promiscuity has a price for the gay community.
Zip us to the 21st century?
Hmmm...i think promiscuity and gay sex existed since the greeks and who knows it could have been earlier.
Fidelity is self control and a commitment. Its alll in the mind, stop corrupting asian values with your filthy imported western values.
The difference between us and monkeys are that we think and are able to excercise restrain, wthout that we are like monkeys, screwing every "hole" they smell and like.
Never cheated. Never will (really pray hard). Relationships that cheat, kinda have a mistrust in the air. Why can't we all just control our lustful desires??
Guys, please, think with your Head, not your Dick.
And about honesty. Personally I feel it is appropriate for the unfaithful to share his failure with his lover but I have received reply, "Dont tell me when you flirt around!"....I mean this is about open communication. What went wrong? Is the lover encouraging the unfaithful to hide the truths when he is willing to communicate honestly? Or is the lover an idealist who chooses to believe that his man never cheats on him?
First of all, i dont believe in true love. What i mean here is you can't sex with the same guy everyday. Maybe for 1 year you could, but soon you will found out that you couldn't control your desires to having sex with other guy(you want other guy's dick only!). Maybe the feeling for your partner is still hang on there, but then your sex desires is not just about your partner ! So what true love is? if you can't faithful and truthful to your partner, then there is no true love exist!!!!
Secondly, Dont ever said you never flirt with others while you having a bf or cheat on your bf. I believe 99% of gay guys in this earth will cheat and flirt. If you're from that 1%, then i could only say, "You are lucky to be faithful to your bf but your bf not necessary thought so. Becareful then". Haha.
Once i believed in love. Now its like i've been through many things and i grown up, so i know the truth and reality of gay community. The most importance is that appreciate what you having now because you wont know what will happen in future.
The first is a phoney concept,the other is base of a true and solid relationship!!
I fuck others, but love my love only.
Fucking bithces is quenching of thirst, only. Making love with my love is sacred action!! With all respect and sincerity!!
Peace to all my brothers and sisters!!
Having sex with someone doesn't mean you love him.
Many gays, especially Asians, in my experience are highly insecure and think their bf doesn't love them if he has sex with other guys.
Relationships should not be based on sex alone. Sex is entertainment. You can make love to your bf which is different from having sex with a stranger in a bath.
I like variety. Not because my bf is boring, not because I don't love my bf. Because that's the way I express my sexuality.
You can be monogamous if both of you like to express yourself that way. It's not necessarily the best way to live your sexuality. It's one way. Choose the way that suits you best.
Be honest with your partner. If you know you will be having sex with strangers, then just agree on an open relationship. As long as it's agreed upon, it's no cheating. Cheating happens when you lie to each other about the way you'll express your sexuality.
Just be secure about who you are.
HAVE FAITH....cause love is just next to you!!
you + your bf put a lot of efforts into your ltr = you + your bf enjoy the rewards
there are two types of gay boyfriends - the one who cheats and the one cheats but you don't know it yet.
i see people equate love to everything here. cheating is cheating, however you want to look at it. yes, love & relationship aren't based solely on sex but a betrayal of sexual trust is a betrayal regardless, no? of course, if both parties are alright with having an open relationship then there won't be this problem to begin with. the problem is when sleeping with other men becomes a secret life you keep from your partner, ain't that then considered betrayal?
in other news, why do we have to align our relationships with that of heterosexual relationships, as if heterosexual relationships have no kinks in them. all relationships are independent of others that occur before or after them and thus should be taken with a fresh perspective. if having multiple sex partners is find with you and your partner, then it's fine. but what if only one of you feel strongly for this? what then is the compromise? should there even be a compromise?
alas, as someone pointed out, this is not a forum of conclusions.
It seems like many gays try to justify their own xtra curricular activities by hiding behind the walls of open relationship :
I love my bf, but I fxxx others for sex .... Geee!
Be truthful to your bf then it's not cheating .... Triple Geeee!!!
Gosh! With these kinds of perceptions no wonder common people condemn us.
It's like let your libido do the thinking and your cock do the talking.
Try your best to love someone fully, then you would have no desire to fuck others, coz you know it's going to hurt him/her, while hurting him/her is like hurting yourself.
If the love and sex no longer gel, then find a way to make it work without slipping under someone's bedcover for temporary humping.
If it still doesnt work, then mutual break up is in order. But it's sad, very sad to lose someone you love (for 37 months like the article) to 5 min ecstasy.
Sad indeed.
I believe you are the 5% truly monogamous man who has been able to keep a relationship faithfully. However, gay relationship is not easy to maintain and many of them last because of compromise like open relationship, preaching monogamy (say only to please the other party), etc. Such things also happen in the heterosexual relationships and hence I find your comments "with these kinds of perceptions no wonder common people condemn us" as irrelevant as the root of negative perception is homophobic in nature and any issue about gays is often sensationalized to make gays look bad.
OK, Guys, honestly, what are looking for here ?
You got your honey home, and what are you looking for ?
Partners for 3somes ? Secret cheating and ONS ?
Just curious, no offense !
Seriously, when one party cheat more than 3 times or both venture into open relationship always bring more trouble than a solution.
Therefore, I always believe that we will only become faithful for the right one and with luck, our partner feel the same. If not, just break up and find a new one lar....until u meet the right faithful someone there for u. :)
And for this Article, let me Enlighten you Sluts & Fickles out ther..
Ther's 2 type of Gay, 1 is only look for Relationship and the other is Sex, Sex, Sex.. but.. let me generously inform all of you.. Cheater or Cheated is all based on The First Meet Up" in a first place, why the hell some guys dares to admit They Are Faithful To One Love? so why did these guys appear on Fridae? madness... Just For Friends? Jesus Mother Mary..! When i 1st met newbie from Fridae, and once they knew im a Bisex, thou im not attached, they won't meet me again.. so which means, Its..? And for " justincdiem " dude! Most gay i met, they only want Sex.. if they dont get it.. they try to avoid you, and if you Good Looking, they try to Fished you with something you will SURELY hooked On one damn day.. Trust Me.. Lucky Me.. Money, Fame, Looks is Not my Motives.. Keep Guessing...!!!
Men Are Men! They Will Surely Look for someone else when they cant get that SEX thingy.. that's y my uncle Turns Gay due to His Wife always having "periods". Get the Point dude?
Point is Relationship requires TRUST,UNDERSTANDING & FLEXIBILITY besides LOVE or SEX. If we dont have any of this, Please for Male's Sake.. Don't Be In Love.
Good Luck To All And To Jonathan Too..
some thinking needed, show some responsibility to your loved one.
You actually are quite witty and clever.But maybe not so sensitive.
Maybe your aim is to write such controversial stuff, given the amount readers and responses. :)
Look forward to reading next weeks article. ( that says it all )
• how would this impact their kids?
• what would the kids think about their gay parents?
• what would the kids' friends think about the gay couple?
Another question, is it possible to stop the spread of Aids & other sexually transmitted diseases in the gay community?
there are two kinds of lesbian: one who cheat, one who don't cheated.
lesbian are more to feelings so it is more to cheating on feelings than sex
PS- Fridae, please find a better English editor. The English grammer mistakes are hurting my brain.
Sex with just anyone is not sex.. that's just trying to find someone to do the work for you..
To me, being in a relationship for more than 4 years and going strong just makes me a stronger and mature person.. sure, we have our fights as well, but at the end of the day, we are not just most couple honeymooning.. we're already sort of settle down and planning a great future ahead, our own lives together.. With love, sex will come automatically..
I dont deny its bored eating the same noodles everyday, but who ask you to eat everyday? Cant you give a few days in between and when you feel like eating it again, then by all means please do! What's a few days interval going to hurt you? NO!
Think about it.. the reason why so many relationships break is because one is being unfaithful..... thats all..
guys r just simply insatiable...
haiz
flaming homosexuals, or dullard heteros, no one has any excuse to cheat. so what makes us any different in relationships? gay men have more reason to cheat cos we have more exciting lives than heterosexuals? no such thing.
everyone's cheated or has had thoughts about it, but only because it's all in human nature to lust and desire. no, tht doesn't mean we should-- it's to test to see how we can abstain that need for that "extra phallus" as jon would so nicely put it.
it all boils down to humanity and whether or not one can handle breaking a person's heart. oh yeah... and how well one is able to lie.
Sawadeekarp sawadeekarp sawadeekarpppp...
Let's put it this way:
Monogamy is like Santa Claus ....
You believe it because a there's a ho-ho-ho guy who goes down your chimney and stuff your socks full of goodies and make you so deliriously happy that you're 100% sure GOD DHLed him straight to you and you only.
You don't believe it because YOU KNOW you're one of those HOs (streetalk for Whores) who goes down on everyone's chimney and stuff other's socks full of goodies. You have no problem believing that heaven have you on a mission to spread the gift of love to all those boys there, be them naughty or nice.
Ignorant is Bliss...hahahahaha.
For all the people who still live in the fantasy gay dreamland or still believe in gay fairy tales with happily ever after ending, read his post and welcome to the gay reality....Seriously!!!
"Why do gays need LTRs? Is it because the str8s have marriages, we must match something equivalent? Sex is either for procreation or recreation. Gays do not procreate, so sex is only for fun. If sex is no longer fun, why agonize yourself in the relationship? Gay couples (less than 5% in my generous estimate) are still together because they are insecure as individuals or really just friends who become dependent on each other."
*****************************************
Really? When gay guys are in their 50's & 60's, they're still having 1 night stands & whoring around town?
Perhaps it's time for Fridae to invite a geriatric columnist onboard so the views of those "I'm (much) older and thus know better than all you youngsters about what gay life is all about" folks can have their share of voice... I think the email address to send your writing samples to is editor@fridae.com
I am a very secured man, and I know what I want and I am not afriad to seek desire. I am very happily involve with a man I love dearly. We are building our life together almost 10 years. We still love each other like the first day we met. It takes tow confident men to make a relationship last. True relationship is not for a cry baby like you. :)
I am not going to lie to you. It takes a lot of hard work to make a gay relationship last. If I tell you our relationship is always rosy red, then I am bullshiting with you. We have up and down in our realtionship. You have to be patient with each other. Respect each other feeling and needs. Give your partner space to grown, and communicate truthfully at all time.
We are in our tenth years realtionship, and we still have many things to learn about each other. Everydays is a new discovery to us.
After I read your command, AZNYMUSCJOCK, I feel very sorry for you, you didn't allow yourself a chance to experience life yet. :( On the other hand, I feel very disappointed with you, becasuse you are the kind of gay men give us the bad name and image. You people in Singapore keep complaining that your society does not respect and treat you equally. Haw could they, you don't even treat yourself respectfully. People, you need to grown up, and stopping being a cry baby, set some standard, and change your whorely image. Show them that gay men in SQ are serious, and are capable of having relationship with each other, of cause I mean same sex realtionship. :)
Well, I said it, and good luck to you all.
My concern for those who are obsessed with sex and more sex...."Wont you be very desperate when you grow old and your powertools start to get dysfunctional and you need Viagra, Cialis, Tongkat Ali, etc to sustain your urge?"
It appears to me that gays dont think about the the golden years because gay life is supposed to be short-lived? Nobody wants to talk about growing old with your lover because it is a taboo to be avoided? How can a relationship last if it is based on sex obsession? It is a sad thing in gay life! Or perhaps a curse!
Hmm something just hit my mind....perhaps the bottoms will grow old gracefully because they dont have to use their powerlesstools but glory holes to get more powerfultools?
Most likely, you love nothing except what is between your legs!
And, get your facts "straight", sweetheart. You didn't just BECOME gay one day. You have always been gay! If your self-worth is so low, then get some professional help.
I hope the rest of our community is outraged by the public's perception of us as shallow sex monsters who only have dysfunctional relationships.
FRIDAE should be ashamed for promoting this kind of behavior by exposing this idiotic article. People kill themselves everyday because of this kind of disgusting hurt of our fellow man.
If you have emotional or sexually compulsive problems, then go to SAA or SCLA to combat those.
But, don't put the rest of us through your selfish and self-centered cruelty!
Some of us out there may think that the article is derogative and reflects badly on the gay community. We must understand that the story above is about an individual's own life experience and thoughts, and it is not indicative of the whole community. We must not be as stereotypical as "the general public". Being gays, we should know that each and everyone of us be us male/female/hetero/homo/bi, is different from the each other. If we all live in a world where there are no differences, the person standing/sitting/lying next to you is the exact replica of yourself. You may enjoy that if only you are that narcissistic.
We have been trying for years to earn acceptance and recognition in this tiny red dot and till todate we have but a few improvements.Why not try a little more acceptance within ourselves and let's all try to be more politically correct until we all live in an optimal society where there is maximum acceptance and understading (which will be either never or in death).
Like assholes, we ALL have opinions.
There are many ways to Rome, of course there are plentiful queer ways to defend humping around.
Hehehehe
You guys cheaters ... please stand up and be counted!!!
Cheers.
This kinda cute article could cause a fire between us?
Man!
I raise my hand! Once a cheater...or more...who counts?
.... and you thought that gay life is all about sex?! Grow up dude!!
arguably even acclaimed writers are often being criticised of their work, what more a blogger.
as a reader myself, i constantly remind myself that 'feedback helps... while abusive remarks don't'
good job jon!
Romance
I'd like to put you in a trance
All over
Erotic, erotic, many hands all over your body
All over your body
I have straight friends who told me that they break up after the 3rd year as they felt they could not communicate anymore. Even sex seems to be dry. So this happens to both world. To some, many gay relationships failed as compared with straight ones, probably due to the small small size of the gay circle as compared to the large large size of straight circle.
Getting married helps. Having an objective in life together as a couple helps (e.g. start a business). Sex only after married help. But all these are not so possible in a gay unfriendly world.
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