Once upon a time, two men met at a party in Singapore, as men sometimes do… Glances were exchanged, phone numbers, email addresses… 10 years later, in April this past year, these same two men got married in Melbourne, Australia. Nic, 33, was born in Singapore, and Tim, 30, in Australia. Both are of Singaporean Chinese heritage.
They released a video documenting their wedding on Youtube, and contacted Fridae to share their story with us. I met up with Tim and Nic on a cold wintry afternoon for lunch in Melbourne CBD, to learn more.
“We’re gay, we’re Christian, we’re Asian,” Tim asserted, stressing that these are not contradictory identities.
“We’d like to put an Asian face to an issue that has been couched as a very ‘Western notion.’ Gay people come from every single culture and ethnicity. We’d like to be able to say that we’ve done this, and maybe some other Asian couples might take the next step.”
“It’s about being visible,” Nic told me, “there are many other Singaporeans who hold probably quite small, closed events celebrating their relationship, but they’re not like us… they’re not out, telling the whole world. We got our families there, putting ourselves on the internet. My intention is about visibility.”
Congratulations to you both, Tim & Nic! Thank you for your courage, your honesty, and for sharing your story with us all.
All photos courtesy of Nic and Tim
Celebration despite lack of legal recognition
Even though same-sex marriage is still not recognised under Australian law (civil unions are permitted in the Australian Capital Territory, Tasmania and Victoria), when I asked them about why they would still decide to hold a ceremony, Nic told me, “This is about a celebration of our relationship.”
Indeed, one of the most moving things about watching the footage of their ceremony on Youtube, is seeing other Asian faces: friends and family who joined them as part of their ceremony, celebrating with them, moved and inspired by them, some even to tears.
Like many people making the pledge to go through holy matrimony, Tim experienced at first some “anxiety about marriage and in making such a public commitment.” No matter ethnic or cultural background, no matter their sexual orientation, this was about expanding the contours of their relationship, and pushing themselves to “the next level.”
The extraordinary thing about this, in this sense, is how perfectly ordinary this is…
After all, even without legal marriage, Nic & Tim are doing that which gay people have been doing for awhile; simply loving one another, and inviting our loved ones to witness the reality of our exposed hearts. Tim tells me that the whole marriage itself was a “rite of passage,” and Nic added that this has cemented their relationship with one another while also reconnecting and uniting them with friends and loved ones.
Tim tells me, “It was one of the best moments of my life.”
Nic and Tim were married by Free Community Church (Singapore)
Pastor Gary Chan
Asian identity
Tim and Nic discussed how disappointing it is that, of course, no Asian countries have as yet legalised same-sex marriage either, with Douglas Sanders’ most recent Fridae article suggesting that the countries that come closest to this would be Taiwan and Nepal.
At the same time, they are clear about not over-valourising ‘Western’ countries.
Within the context of Australia, they say: “You see images and videos of people making a difference – making a stand for how timely it is to be giving recognition to relationships such as ours. But I hardly see any Asian faces in the mix.
“It's strange – this concept of an Asian same-sex wedding – like the community views us as not Asian enough or that our sexual preferences are damaging the racial profile. And on the other hand, there is this invisibility to the Asian community in Australia – we are like the wizarding community of the Harry Potter universe – living side-by-side in this parallel world that somehow see us saunter past each other in the streets…”
“But,” Tim adds, “if we are suspect Asians, I wonder if this gives us the ability to be ambassadors at the fringe, calling for greater awareness and acceptance?”
The point of holding their ceremony was not to typify the existence of gay men within a ‘Western’ setting, but indeed, to send a message for Asian people to see that yes, this is possible for us, no matter who we are or where we are at.
There is, of course, no one way to be Asian. The word ‘Asian’ itself can be misleading. It overgeneralises an incredibly diverse range of cultures and peoples, who only vaguely share a sense of history in common.
Much of Asia itself has historically been colonised by disparate forces, from the Mongolian Genghis Khan across China, including Tibetan territory, to the Han Chinese influence throughout East and Southeast Asia with Confucian values, to the Japanese attempt at colonisation during World War II, to the Khmer empire, to the British, French, Portuguese, and Dutch reaching many shores in the past 500 years.
Even that, of course, is changing, as people of Asian descent have been migrating out of Asia, all around the world for a few centuries now as well. Many of us speak non-Asian languages as our primary language. And of course, conversely, now Asian cultural and religious influences are very common in ‘Western’ countries… such as in the popularisation of kung fu, yoga, and Buddhism.
Singapore, of course, is a peculiar example of an Asian country… It stands out as being the only country where national education is conducted in most schools in English, and so we have a country which has, in many ways, succeeded at integrating some of the most visible markers of both “Western” and “Eastern” ideals, while simultaneously and slowly dissolving any meaningful distinction between these two terms.
Trailblazing
I’ll be honest. Things are not looking too good for the institution of marriage. At the same time that same-sex couples are campaigning in countries the world over for relationship recognition, heterosexuals are leaving their marriages in droves.
While the exact figure of divorce rates vary from country to country, for those like myself who have been partially raised in ‘Western’ countries like the USA and Australia, I cannot help but be impacted by this statement, almost a proverb: ‘1 in 2 marriages end in divorce.’ It is a chilling and damning statement about marriage. It really does lend one to cynicism.
Not to mention that the history of marriage has been about far more than just romantic ideals. We hear that marriage has been about control of sexuality, about regulating the raging male libido, about managing inheritance and land, about the exchange of women as property. Indeed, as far as gender goes, marriage is often experienced as more liberating for men than for women, easily evidenced by seeing that, on average, women recover much sooner and thrive much more quickly after a divorce when compared to men.
But of course, same-sex couples do not even have the luxury of that sort of misery (yet). We have the opportunity, as gay people, to revive or reject, renew or indeed, even reinvent the meaning of marriage.
The additional reality is, across all cultures, same-sex couples have always existed, and have been recognised in many diverse ways. Many cultures have had configurations of family and kinship that are quite different from those we take for granted in many middle-class Western and Asian countries. These include matriarchal and lesbian ones, where it is women who tend to be householders, own property, who may have a wife, etc., to ones where one woman marries two brothers (e.g. Tibetan ‘fraternal polyandry’) to ones where men get married to women, but are even expected to have male concubines on the side to prove their virility (e.g. some Emperors of China)…
The sad thing is how most images we get exposed to in mainstream media tend toward exclusive heterosexuality, but this is no indictment of the extent to which same-sex couples have always found spaces where our love for one another could be consecrated and recognised by loving friends and family.
In this sense, then, Nic & Tim are lineage-holders, as much as they are trailblazers…
They both clearly recognise the power that their story could have in inspiring others, and so they have bravely volunteered to share it with us. It is such a privilege to hear Nic and Tim’s story, and to share in their joy. That we too can aspire to share our love with our own families, and to dare to call for love, acceptance, and celebration in return.
As Tim said: “If there’s an Asian little kid out there, and he’s struggling with his sexuality… Rather than saying ‘It gets better,’ I want to say, ‘Here is our wedding!’ It was moving, and people came, and we were really blessed with kindness… Here you go, just watch this video!”
Shinen Wong is an educator on issues of gender and sexuality, sexual health and social justice. He has worked in health promotion and culturally diverse community development. He enjoys hot chocolate when it's cold, and cycling even when it's raining. Shinen lives in Melbourne, Australia.
讀者回應
Greetings from Scotland where same sex marriage is just about to go through parliament.
Steve x
All I want to say is that a good married relationship does not end but begin after a beautiful marriage with the struggles in daily life.......
the video is so touching... i found myself feeling warm inside and teary-eyed... i wish the world was just that open minded or rather even a little more like the people that celebrated nic and tim's wedding... more civil and loving...
congratulations and have a very very happy and loving life together, guys!
but id like to comment on this line:
"Singapore, of course, is a peculiar example of an Asian country… It stands out as being the only country where national education is conducted in most schools in English"
the Philippines has long been using English in its educational system, as early as 1901... and several hundred years prior to that, Philippine universities had used Spanish as a medium of instruction...
Nevertheless, the topic is about the marriage, i hope an Asian country will soon make a law recognizing it...
My brother and his BF have been together for over 20yrs, I have just reached the 5 years with my BF and we went to Melbourne Town Hall and registered our relationship, just last year.
Who said "Gay Relationships never last", dumb ass straights.
I think being LGBTI & Ethnic Background it makes an individual think more deeply before committing to a life long journey together :)
All the best guys, to a life long journey together :)
Andy & Jeff
congratulations....!
祝你们永浴爱河~❤❤
But, congradulations to the Happy Couple. If I could only convince some here that a Civil Union would work and to stand up to their families, maybe China will catch up in the future.
Soong & Ray^^
Ps your camera man or lady did a wicked job too ; )
marriage is a big thing, not everyone has courage to do that. wish u both the best ^_^
Totally agree that gay Asians should be more proactively out to make ourself more visible
I wish you every happiness for both your futures!!!!
Thoughts and best wishes to you both.
Wishing you both all the love.
Pastor Gary Chan very cute too... Cheers!
I hope your sharing will give gay couples of all ethnicities hope, and especially those from countries where discrimination against gay people is still practiced. I have two friends here in New Zealand who have had a civil union - they have been together 8 years. One is Malaysian and Islamic, the other Malaysian-Chinese and Buddhist. For obvious reasons they have chosen not to be a couple in Malaysia and I am happy they found love and happiness together in NZ - and NZ residency too. There is a gay marrriage bill coming before Parliament in NZ, and there is a lot of support for it.
I hope we hear more stories like Nic's and Tim's - inspirational.
All the best. Such a beautiful wedding.
GOD BLESS
All the best. Such a beautiful wedding.
GOD BLESS
This is from an older married man with children who has had to recognize that he does not have two lifetimes......You have both so beautifully demonstrated how dignified gay marriage can be.
I live in Dublin.
I have not held my male Chinese lover who now lives in Melbourne for 4 years.....another life maybe.....
Value your time together
This is from an older married man with children who has had to recognize that he does not have two lifetimes......You have both so beautifully demonstrated how dignified gay marriage can be.
I live in Dublin.
I have not held my male Chinese lover who now lives in Melbourne for 4 years.....another life maybe.....
Value your time together
Congratulations to you Nic and Tim, may your Love to each other, never ends.
*Cheers*
I attended my first Asian man-man wedding in 1991 in Los Angeles, with a massive 100 tables dinner at a Chinese restuarant in L.A. Chinatown...
Please refer to www.gapsn.org
i cant see it
thax to the great fire wall of China
Peter
Vancouver, Canada
請先登入再使用此功能。