Fridae

Conventional "wisdom" has it that gay men do not form lasting relationships

Conventional "wisdom" also has it that gay men drift from one sexual liaison to another, never finding satisfaction and forever avoiding commitment.

Well, conventional "wisdom" has it wrong.

Although longstanding relationships are not unheard of in the gay community, such male partnerships are nearly always invisible and under-represented because of the social stigma expressed against homosexuals.

In fact, according to research literature on gay relationships, the rate of gay "divorces" is no greater than the rate of separation among unmarried heterosexual couples. And most of gay couples I know do try their very best to keep a relationship together.

The crux of the matter therefore does not lie in the homophobically biased assumption that these relationships don't last because the individuals involved are gay but rather, in the examination of the factors that contribute to the failure of long term gay relationships.

So why is it so hard to find connubial bliss in the gay community?

And why do most gay relationships come with an expiry date that's shorter than Posh Spice's hemlines?

For a start, it is undeniable that all gay relationships experience more humps and bumps (and I'm not referring to the bedroom kind) than their heterosexual counterparts. The most common and prevalent source of pressure comes from families and friends whose objections can range from disappointment to anger to outright rejection. The stress of severed friendships and the conflict in loyalty between your family and your lover would definitely put a considerable strain on your relationship.

And to make matters worse, the both of you may begin to internalise the fears of those surrounding you or close to you. Internalising these fears and attitudes means that you begin to take in and incorporate these feelings as being a part of how you feel about yourself and your relationship. This is a major difficulty among gay men and is often the source of many a breakup.

Should you be one of the fortunate few to receive heartfelt blessings and acceptance from your family and friends, there's still the issue of living together. When gay lovers decide to live together, they can no longer conceal their homosexuality from society at large (especially from nosy neighbours). Consequently, they may face an open hostility they never knew during their days of closeted "bachelorhood".

Take, for instance, Alex and Harris, a gay couple who have been living together for 3 years now. According to Alex, everything was fine until the day Harris moved in: "My neighbours and I used to greet each other every time we meet and engage in small talk. But since Harris moved in and our relationship brought to light, my neighbours seemed to avoid me like the plague and treat the both of us as if we are invisible. So now, we just keep to ourselves and our group of friends."

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Such predilections are far from surprising considering that most gay people can only truly conceal their sexuality when living alone. Living together (particularly in a one-room or one-bedroom apartment), on the other hand, merely confirms everyone's suspicions that the two of you are more than just good friends.

Then there is the troubling issue of commitment. Men, are by nature, commitment shy. Place two men in a relationship and you have a situation potentially more volatile than a crisis situation in Bosnia. And given that gay weddings still remain quite unheard of for gay men in Asia, many find themselves adrift when defining or formalising commitment.

The lack of ties that bind is exacerbated by the general impossibility for gay couples to apply for affordable public housing together in most Asian countries. Considering that a mortgage often proves to be a much stronger bond than any marriage license, it is not an exaggeration to say that heterosexual couples are, in this aspect, better off than gay couples.

Perhaps the most pressing concern for gay couples in relationships is the issue of monogamy. According to research conducted by Mchirter and Mattison who spent five years studying 156 male couples, hopes of sexual fidelity are simply contrary to homosexual yearnings, and not a single couple reported sexual fidelity lasting longer than 5 years. Hence, monogamy - much like the legendary unicorn or a straight man with impeccable dress sense - is indeed fast becoming a myth in these gay ole times.

The reasons for this phenomenon have been attributed to sexual boredom, the need for new materials for sexual fantasies, the existing partner not being one's sexual type and so on. And given the intense social scrutiny and objection, it is no wonder that many gay men have historically been promiscuous, shunning long-term relationships in favor of one-night stands.

However, it should be noted that it is an inherent composition of human nature (both gay and straight) that, sooner or later, no matter how fortunate we may be, the bird that we glimpse in the pubic bush always looks more appealing than the bird that we hold in our hand (pardon the not-so-subtle pun). So don't start worrying, it's a universal condition that's not limited to gay men only.

Yet despite the inability to stay monogamous, it is also (however contradictory this may sound) the very nature of gay men to continually seek out other men for long term relationships - that is, unless you are a certified bed-hopping slut or have just taken a vow of celibacy. And us gay men are nothing if not resourceful and resilient when it comes to searching - oh, all right, cruising - for the man we yearn to spend the rest of our lives with.

So do something about that hair and throw out a line.

Give commitment a chance and who knows, in no time, you may find yourself happily embroiled in a domestic situation with your partner arguing over fabrics for your bedroom curtains.