Fridae

I am often asked via e-mail and occasionally in person how my coming out experience was. I realised that I haven't covered it before for Mogenic [an Australia-based gay youth website] ridiculous really, when you consider that in essence, it is an experience worth addressing. Maybe the fact that I have neglected this shows how relatively painless my coming out was.

At 16 years old, I informed my mother one afternoon that I was bisexual, and that the friend of mine that had come over the night before was my girlfriend. At the time, using the title bisexual [and we all know how I feel about titles, so I use that term very loosely], seemed like a nice transitional term. She passed the whole thing off to being a phase, and seemed as though she hadn't really heard me at all. I knew though, that this was possibly the most difficult thing that my parents would ever have to hear patient and understanding of that, I knew that mum was just coming to terms with it, whichever way she could.

Telling your parents 'Sorry, no grandchildren' is possibly the hardest thing that they will ever have to hear. Forget for a moment that this isn't the easiest thing that you have ever had to communicate to them and remember that they have not one iota of a choice in this. You are giving them the option to take it or leave it. While you have probably known your true direction all along it may well be news to them. With this in mind, remember that they may not be too thrilled about the whole experience. Time, like everything, will be the true test of acceptance, which has been the way of it for me.

Dad didn't get the scoop flash like mum did, I just wasn't ready to do that to him I was too young for him to give up on the idea. He would come later.

In time, mum seemed to be coming around to the idea. She said things like, 'Just so long as you are happy' and 'I don't want to see it flaunted in my face', after which I knew that she had moved on from the 'Just a phase' stage that she had been at earlier.

It seemed though, during all of these many months and in fact years, my dad was cottoning onto things. He knew that I was living in the 'Gay Ghetto of Sydney', and that I could regularly be found on Oxford St, bumping and grinding the night away. And he understands what that means, parents aren't as stupid as we would like them to be [sometimes!]. I liked that he was being informed indirectly, probably the best way for a man of his character to do so I was, am, and always will be, daddy's little girl.

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There were a series of letters that I wrote to my mother, after I moved out of home for the first time. It may be that you just can't find your voice to come out to your parents the written word has always been the best way for me to communicate and so it was that the 'Dyke' letters began.

Below are some real excerpts from letters that I sent to my mother some time ago:

My ears pricked up the other night when Dad called me a 'lemon' under his breath. I thought for a moment that I might be hearing things, so I let it slide. My natural instincts would have had me call him hetero in the same derogatory manner next time maybe? I should have guessed that he knew what was going on doesn't really take much to put two and two together.

Is there anything that you need/want to talk to me about, with regards to my sexuality, please just ask. I'm not about to bring it up myself understand that I don't want to be a disappointment to either of you. I want to be able to share with you my joys as I have in the past. The gender bender that is me, must be difficult for you know that even though it is something that I can choose it's not something that I can control. The realisation that I am not like all the other girls was not an easy one to come to for me I can't imagine how you would be dealing with it.

It's a difficult situation for me to put you in. I've spoken about this with friends before. Essentially I am telling you that this is how it is, and unfortunately for you - you have no choice but to live with it. I can't apologise enough for pushing this on you.

When all the hoo-ha is through, I am just a girl that likes girls. Nothing more, nothing less. It's that simple. Maybe one day I will be able to say all of this to you face to face but for this time I go about my world, living, breathing and laughing with all the joy that I have found. I am being true to myself, dong what I want not what I think everybody else wants. Selfish? Yes, perhaps but living outside of the closet is definitely something that is important to me. I love you mum, please don't be upset with me. I am still the small child that once grew inside of you special, and just a little different to all the rest.

To sum up and update, the coming out experience there is no painless way to come out to your folks. And you and only you can devise the best way to do it. It may not be an overnight process, just because your parents aren't doing summersaults to begin with, doesn't mean that in time they won't. Give them some credit, and be patient.

As for me, mum is now taking a genuine interest in my life and loves. For this I am thanking my lucky stars. Dad is tagging along in one of my mother's earlier stages, 'Oh, it's just a phase'. With any luck, she will guide him through the same path of acceptance that my father has. To all of you that are coming out, thinking about it, or in the process, keep the faith and remember that you are what you are, and people will love you for that.