There are those awkward moments. It happens even to the best of lovers. We believe so much in the ideal relationship setting: no fights, smooth sailing all along, enough finances, enough attention, great sex and a feeling of love that will last forever.
We want to believe that nothing is going wrong and when things do, we ask ourselves the "why" of it all.
Our partners ask us, "why?" - and to this question, some people hardly ever find answers or don't know what to say. And they find themselves almost struggling to say something but afraid that they will say the wrong thing. They find themselves searching for the answers as their partners wait in anxiety and bouts of irritation for their lack of words and explanation.
Friends, inexperienced as I am to conjure correct answers to situations like this, one thing is for sure, something must definitely be said.
The next thing is, these questions of "why" did not just pop out of the nowhere of our partners thoughts but were asked because certain things or events have already been bothering them in the past, they just haven't been talking or worse, we haven't been listening as intently as we should.
A relationship is truly secure when both people can air out concerns, say exactly what they feel and feel these feelings freely without having to think twice about it. In this case, partners are certain that any trouble that comes their way is repairable. Problems need time to heal but they also need our willingness to close the wounds they cause us and learn from their scars so that the same mistakes are not made twice.
Bottling up feelings will not help you make them disappear. On those long and lonely moments you spend cramped up in your room or office, instead of being productive or doing something that will contribute to your well-being (reading, catching up on friends, writing letters), you'll end up thinking about how unhappy you might become if a certain quirk of your partner goes on. Instead of mooning and thinking about how insensitive and careless your partner is, formulate ways on how to tell her (or him) what you're feeling.
Compromises are healthy and help keep a relationship stable. One cannot simply bow to the others desires without considering herself (or himself) and how giving in fully would affect her (or him). When you feel that something about you cannot be changed, be honest about it. Tell your partner, explain why and offer a compromise.
So when something about your relationship is bothering you, don't wait for shouting matches to hurl it out of your system and into your partners face, talk calmly about them to your partner and help each other find solutions. If your partner is the one who talks to you and waits for an answer to their questions and concerns, think well but not too long then give your answer. If it takes you a long time to think, then ask for time but do give an answer when the time is up.
A friend once told me that if you have a superb sexual life, talk to your partner after having sex. They say that after making love, as both lovers bodies are bare, it is easier to bare each others minds hearts to one another.
I used to think that saving memories alone will make my life worth living. But today, I don't desire to save the best of times merely for memories. Memories I have many of, now I want real happiness.
Fire is a twenty-something writer-entrepreneur who's also one of the founders of INDIGO Philippines. You can reach her thru firewomyn@iname.com
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