Fridae

As part of our focus on youth in December, Fridae is pleased to bring you three growing up gay stories from a 22-year-old gay student from Manila, a 26-year-old Muslim schoolteacher and a 17-year-old lesbian student from Singapore. We will continue to publish these stories throughout the month as we receive them.

Editor's note: Their accounts have been minimally edited.

Name: Joel
Age: 22
Sexual orientation: Gay
Occupation: Student
City/Country of Residence: Philippines
City/Country where you attended school: Manila

being gay in school:
I find it a bit odd, trying to answer how it was being gay in school. I never really knew, although I suspected, that I was gay. I was never actually considered as one. Perhaps my being aloof and eccentric at the same time kept people distracted. Odder still, from my third year in high school, and onwards till my second year in college, I was involved in a sexual relationship with my best friend. I dismissed it at time as nothing more than the unavailability of sexual outlets: I had no interest in girls whatsoever, and he was one of those guys who was just too shy to approach one. It didn't really bother me, at the time.

coming out to yourself:
It came to me in pieces. Not in just one wham-bang revelation, hitting me like a thunderbolt one day. It was never like that for me. It was usually more of a nagging suspicion. It all came together when my best friend and I "broke up" due to conflicting ideals. By then I was hazarding a few guesses about my sexuality and my growing attachment to our "situation".

To save further embarrassment, he drew away from me, and I... I never looked back, you could say. I pieced it all after a few months of seesawing and began to tell a lot of people about it. There shock, and sometimes indignation, was therapeutic for me. I knew it was registering, finally.

coming out to friends:
The first time I did it, sadly enough, didn't involve a lot of drama. Or even at all. When my "best friend" and I "broke up" he began badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. I lost a lot of acquaintances. He had always looked credible to people. And I wasn't exactly friendly to a whole lot of them at the time. I made it easy for him and them, to believe the stories he spread.

What was left, thank God, turned out to be friends - real friends. And it wasn't that hard for me to tell them about my "newfound" sexuality. They had no problem with it. Concurring that I was too weird back then. Being gay made me human. I could have jumped and kissed every one of them then. Instead, I just smiled and asked if they'd like to go trolling for some guys.

coming out to family:
I was never the secretive type so it was not long before my family caught on too. They haven't exactly welcomed the change with open arms but since I didn't exactly change, they and it have formed an uneasy acceptance. I didn't change all right. Except I had more calls from guys from then on. P.S. My dad still tries to resist though. Every time I go out and ask for some extra (money), he makes it evident that if I were to go out with someone of the opposite sex, he'd happily double the amount he'd give me. You should see the look on his face when I just smile and shake my head.

first crushes/love/relationships and sex:
My first sexual relationship, and first RELATIONSHIP, obviously involved my best friend. We chanced upon it during our retreat. He had a bad back (I hope it turns out to be scoliosis, looking back...) and wanted someone to give him a massage. I, ever the helpful one, nominated myself for the job (considering there were only two of us in the room I don't think I even had the choice, hehe).

One thing led to another. I never thought physical contact, the touch on flesh not yours, could be so exquisite. The warmth of him radiated out to me. My fingertips tingled all throughout. I was not aware I had the same effect on him. He asked if I could go on to his legs and after that began requesting for me to attend to parts previously unknown to me. After then we began to have sex on a regular basis, hanging out in his house.

Progressing from mere massages and mutual masturbation sessions to oral sex and then onto more daring, ahem, "exploits". I still sigh when I remember how it was. It was good. And it lasted for seven years.

Name: A.I.M.
Age: 26
Sexual orientation: gay
Occupation: Schoolteacher
City/Country of Residence: Singapore
City/Country where you attended school: Singapore

being gay in school:
Things started to make sense to me in secondary school at the age of 14. I found myself getting funny feelings 'down there' when I look at other boys. I had an inkling of what I felt. I didn't have a name for it, nor did I know what to do about it. I didn't know if it was wrong or right.

Within a year though, homosexuality topics started to arise and was deemed as 'the most horrible thing' on earth. By then, I knew I had to hide what ever I was and not let it come out. Everything went downhill from there on. I started feeling repressed and depressed, and it was with the introduction of Internet into my life, I started my journey to self-discovery.

coming out to yourself:
Even with all the new knowledge I had found (Being a Muslim convert, GAY = wrong + hellfire + sin + shame + many other things) I didn't come out to myself till I was 22 (Dec 1998, as a New Year resolution I told myself "Look bud, this is what you are! Its either you take it and move with it or die a miserable soul!") When I came out and accepted myself, it felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulder and I was standing taller than before. I knew who I was, what I was capable of, what I wanted and what I needed. But with that, also came the long hard road of looking for love.

coming out to friends:
I came out to friends that same year because I couldn't stand it keeping my thoughts and views (at that point of time, usually my two cents worth about cute guys on the street) to myself. Some took it well and accepted my sexuality; some were a little more apprehensive until they realized that I'm still the same guy they've always known except that I'm now a lot more fun, a lot more open and that I preferred men. (In a way I was safer for the girls to hang out with because I won't do anything to them) BUT as with all good things, there is also a bad side. Most of my friends I had known in secondary school and poly turned their backs on me and proclaimed: 'We don't mix with faggots, sorry!' and ended our friendship there.

coming out to family:
Coming out to family is something I swear I would never do. Initially out of fear, but then it gravitated to respect for my parents. They're staunch Muslims (father converted when he remarried to a Muslim woman) and they have pride and image to upkeep and since they worked hard for it, I have NO RIGHT to destroy their happiness and their pride. I swear to myself that my homosexuality is a secret I would keep till either one of two things happens; that I either migrate or till both my parents have passed on.

My siblings are another story, my second brother is a homophobe, but he respects me because I am older. My sister has an inkling of my gender preference and she's cool about it. My youngest brother is oblivious, but then again, he's only 11. Other than that, I don't really care what other relatives think; even more so once my parents are gone.

first crushes/love/relationships and sex:
I never had crushes, too naive and immature about it all, but I fell full-blown in love when I was 22 with a charming 30-year-old Swiss/American from Austin, Texas. Two years of emails and chats later, he came to work in Singapore and we started dating. We didn't have sex per se. Handjobs and blowjobs were the order of the day and even then, those didn't start until 3 months into the relationship.

But as with all perils of dating a GWM, you're bound to get him snatched away and I lost my first love (to my then best friend - walked into the apartment to find them going at it on the glass topped dining table). I took almost a year to recover from that.

My first real sexual encounter was in Sydney at 24. I had met a nice bearish man aged 44. We met for the first time for lunch and that night he was riding me with all his might. Things seemed so right, he professed his love to me and even proposed marriage. But it was only a 10-day relationship and I was a lot more grounded by then, I told him lets just let things happen and see how the story unfolds.

It has since ended because he decided not to wait for me anymore and has found someone new. Currently, I am sort of pursuing a nice guy in KL and things seem to be going okay, so I'm keeping my fingers and other dangling appendages crossed.

Name: Gai
Age: 17
Sexual orientation: lesbian
Occupation: student
City/Country of Residence: Singapore
City/Country where you attended school: Singapore

being gay in school:
I studied in an all-girls school, but it wasn't so bad because the rest of the girls were pretty okay about my sexual orientation - only if I don't talk about it to them openly. They tried to understand the whole homosexual business, but I think they ended up quite out of point... they just saw it as a phase I would grow out of. Many of the so-called lesbians in my secondary school are now happily straight and donned their spaghetti tops and tight-fitting Levis instead of their previous Quiksilver shirts and baggy jeans.

Guess they were those that grew outta their 'being-a-lesbian-is-cool-in-secondary-school' phase. My classmates, on seeing their 180 degree change, immediately asked me when will I be like them, but I straightaway said no, because I wasn't like them, and I'm just being me. It's funny why I wasn't very confused in secondary school. Yeah there was the occasional "wow, I'm talking to a guy" phase in the earlier part of my teenhood, but now that I'm in poly, I just treat them as though they were brothers.

Of course there were the sporadic scandals and rumours in school about lesbians in school and their illicit encounters [lol] but they shall remain just that. Butches in school were regarded as idols if they were good looking enough, and once I saw a whole corridor of Secondary 2 classes screaming at a senior who was a butch, and she was just making her way to the toilet.

Those were the amusing days. But now that I'm in polytechnic, there are guys and more straight people to contend with. I still go to school in supposedly more masculine clothing, but the rest of them! Don't mind it a bit [or so I think, because they didn't say anything]. I never openly told everyone that I was gay, but I've confided in one girl classmate, who had a girlfriend once, so that eased me a bit, to know that someone in class knows and could understand.

coming out to yourself:
There was the initial 'no, I can't be a lesbian' period, but that was in primary school, where I did have a few crushes on classmates, and an ECA-mate. When I got to secondary school, I seem to just effortlessly make a transition into a boy-looking girl. If it helped, I was a tomboy all my life, playing with a boy playmate in nursery (and the best part is, he's now a gay swimmer), not having any dolls or that girly stuff, and having short hair most of the time. Yes, I did treat the senior butch-looking schoolmates as idols in the beginning, and I wanted to so much look and act like them.

When I got older, I realised there's more to being a 'sheboy' than just attracting attention and just being different in an all-girls school. I didn't want to be idolised in school nor I want to be just stylish and different. I guess I finally found my true sexuality, even thought most would argue I'm too young to say all this stuff first. But no, I could never see myself holding hands and kissing a guy. And yes, I prefer male clothing very much, as well as gorgeous girls -smiles-

coming out to friends:
The first time I came out to a close friend was when I was in Secondary 3, say when I was 15, when I started to sport really short hair and slid off all girly things away from my life. My friend and I were chatting online, and I was saddened by the fact that an ex-girlfriend had another significant other already. So my classmate was there asking me "How are you?" and I replied, "I just lost a girlfriend." She was quite uneasy for a while, but I guess she accepted it pretty well, as there were many suspicions going around about my sexuality then.

I was relieved that nobody went about the things about Christianity and religion to me, because I would definitely rebuke it and cause some hurt to my friends. There were some who were very uncomfortable whenever I was around, they would squirm and stutter, some would use harsh words even. But I think they got used to it after a while, and after they realised that I don't bite and I'm not such a bad person after all -gleams-. But of course some people were outright mean. They would tell the teachers about me, and because of that, I've lost a place in a competition, and most teachers would not pay attention to me during class whenever I faced academic difficulties.

The discipline mistress also would always pick on my uniform and hair and last I heard, she made a 'blacklist' of all the students who were allegedly homosexual or looking like it. I would always spend time in detention class cause of her perchance to book me for my uniform and for everything else that she saw a mistake in.

I would quarrel with teachers for the injustice brought to me and yes, I did shed some tears because of the prejudice, but a form teacher told me of their difficulties and I decided to let the discipline mistress get her way to avoid creating more trouble for myself. But no, I never did regret coming out and not hiding myself, cause I would feel artificial and there's that pressure of making a lie about yourself and trying to remember every lie u told.

coming out to family:
For all the openness outside my home, I'm hiding a bit of myself at home. My whole family doesn't know that I'm gay, but there were suspicions and a few confrontations, which I chose to avoid because it would mean no telephone calls, no more Internet, and no more handphone or pager, which also meant no girls in my life (NO!).

However, I'm coming out to them slowly and steadily as time goes by and when my parents finally wonder why I don't have any boyfriends (that would be when I'm 25+++). My mother would KILL if she confirmed her suspicion that I liked girls. But strangely, she always would buy shirts and bermudas for me.

Yeah, there was a period when she forced me to wear skirts but I would just sit on my bum and adamantly say no. She liked an ex-girlfriend who would come to my house frequently and exchange banter with her (to which I was really proud of and relieved). I figured that would make things a bit easier lest one day momma found that her daughter was gay.

Just recently, she read the FHM magazines that I always buy and mentioned that "this is not for you, this is more for your brother" but thankfully she never said anything more. I know at the end my whole family would flip when they know my sexuality, but right now, I'm enjoying the freedom I have because they don't know it. It may all culminate into a huge mess later on in my life, but I would really like to focus on the present.

first crushes/love/relationships and sex:
Is it safe to talk about the sex part in here? (laughs) I used to think a whole lot about a few girls in primary school, so I guess that count as crushes. In secondary school, I used to really like a junior a lot, she was pretty, sensible, thoughtful, and a deep person. Whenever we went out together, I would slyly try to touch her hand to feel the 'electric sparks' that flew from it. She would occupy my mind the whole day and I would immediately reply any email she sent to me.

Unforuntately, we drifted after two years of friendship and after she knew my sexuality, because she was a devout Christian. And because at that time I had my first girlfriend. I pined for her for five months before she relented. It seemed that I would naturally, almost immediately fall for a girl who was pretty and yet witty and brainy (except for one occasion where I was almost match made).

I don't know why most gay relationships don't last, and my longest relationship was about 4 months. Although I heard about couples being together for years and years but they're rare and almost certainly admired for their strength of love for each other. But most people that I know, and even me, have accepted the fact that gay relationships don't last very long. I was excited about my first relationship and the words "I got a girlfriend!!!" kept repeating in my head. However it fizzled out after a month because she liked someone else. But I had my first kiss with her and yeah, kissing a girl is absolutely nice (if they didn't have bad breath)!

Girls are so soft and nice and some of them have got the sweetest smiles ever. Unfortunately most of my girlfriends are quite rough, but they make up for it by being extremely huggable...small sized and soft and all. For the sex part, guess I wont be saying it because it's much of a private thing. But it's nice to be making out with a submissive partner who accepts your advances. Somehow girls of today are getting a tad too bitchy and snooty. -sigh-

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