Fridae

"Public restrooms are chosen by those who want homoerotic activity without commitment for a number of reasons. They are accessible, easily recognised by the initiate, and provide little public visibility."

- An excerpt from Tearoom Trade by Laud Humphreys, 1970

Everybody does it, so the saying goes. The beautiful, the ugly, and the damned� Hell even George Michael did it.

Just what is it about cruising and public sex that makes it synonymous with gay men? While I'm sure our straight counter parts participate and enjoy it as much as we do, the instant 'link' (unfortunately not the 'weakest') is that our very sexuality and situation seem to support this. The difference is that we seem to have reason to engage in this activity more than our straight peers.

Just as there are many reasons why people go to the movies, play golf or go clubbing, there are unlimited reasons as to why people are motivated and drawn to go cruising on say a Saturday afternoon, or at any other time for that matter.

Cruising as an activity has really existed long before the word 'cruising' even came about. The centuries-old culture of gay men alludes to the fact that gay men have always been drawn to sexual adventure outside the bedroom.

There exists a historical need for public sexual encounters because a place of community for gay people hardly existed. Long before Internet Relay Chatrooms, Gay Personal Ads and all the rest existed, cruising was probably the safest and fuss-free way one could get a bit of action. The lack of any public social place for the forming or support of the gay community boosted and kept up the practice of cruising among gay men.

Especially in a 'closeted' Asian country like Singapore, where anything remotely 'gay-related' is frowned upon, cruising is a good source of quick, anonymous, freely available sex. Or to put it in another way, cruising offers the perks of a relationship without the strings attached.

Why bother getting a relationship that is hard to maintain by itself, worse still facing social pressure and the lack of its approval, when you can get sex so easily without the intricacies of a relationship?

As a friend of mine once put it, "if every gay man wanted a relationship or get married to each other, we might actually just become extinct".

And then of course there is this other reason which Woody Allen, self-confessed sex fiend, once said: "Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions."

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Sure we all know how hard it is to maintain a relationship, much less find that perfect Prince Charming. So who can deny that going cruising to allay those sexual urges is a good hobby while waiting for the lazy fairy godmother who is half a century late to do her job?

People have always used sex as a way to escape their solitude, forge connections, and gain a sense of power or pleasure. And gay men in particular have found that exploration of sex together a means of healing that loneliness, notwithstanding it may sometimes last only in the region of hours.

Personally, as with the use of porn, I don't have any problems with promiscuity per se. To quote John Reid: "What is the difference whether you have the stigma of being a homosexual or the stigma of being a promiscuous homosexual? If you're going to be stigmatised, the least you can do is enjoy it."

In fact, I'd rather think it perfectly natural for one to have sexual urges (inhuman if you don't). However, given that society has enshrined heterosexual monogamy as the norm, anything else is seen as wrong, perverted or amoral. Being gay, moreover, gives us the chance to rewrite those rules of sex.

That is also one reason why heterosexuals are often shocked (and/or very envious) when they discover what the average gay man gets up to in private. After all, the saying goes that if everyone on the gay scene pursued gay rights with the same fervour that they pursue cock, then they'd be running the country by now.

Ingeniously and out of practicality, we invented the availability of promiscuous sex. And this in itself has a huge advantage in that it can be endlessly recycled. But while you may be satisfied for a few hours, before long your body will be ready for more.

Now here comes the catch we all didn't see coming when we rewrote those rules. The whole irony of it all is that endless anonymous sex won't really make you happy.

"It'll scratch an itch, but it'll also make you even itchier." So you'll keep going back for more sex, for "more of an experience", until you may reach the ultimate climax of getting caught (think pop star George Michael or British minister Ron Davies).

And sex this way usually ends up being not about pleasuring someone else, but it becomes about pleasuring yourself. Because you do not know the other person and really aren't even interested in small talk much less their name, they become little more than sex toys.

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People I've talked to who engage in anonymous sex (and I must confess to concurring with them rather sheepishly) often talk about a sense of emptiness afterwards.

Sometimes their horniness gets to so high a level that they've ignorantly had sex with people whom they'd never have looked at normally, or have done things that weren't within their safe-sex limits because they got carried away and did not know how to take control of the situation.

Surely, I decline and frown on moralistic preachings: that one should wait for Mr. Right, only have sex post-marriage and have sex with only one person for the rest of one's life.

But if you do go to cruising grounds a lot, ask yourself why are you there? Do you like to objectify sex i.e. see it as porn rather than sex itself? Is it because having other men want you makes you feel desirable and validated? Is it because loneliness eats away at you and you want a boyfriend? Or is it because you're bored and sex is the first thing that comes to your mind? Would the thought of never being able to look for sex again scare the daylights out of you?

If you answer "yes" to any of the above, my friend, you are then heading towards a problem. According to psychologist Walt Odets: "When a gay man goes out for anonymous sex, he is often really seeking intimacy and acceptance, even if he actually doesn't receive either of those things."

While this may not always be true, more often that not, the above is the root of many a cruising man's behaviour. Also, if having lots of sex (or the craving to find it) does not feel so good to you now, then perhaps you may be suffering from "sexual compulsivity".

While not strictly a by-product of cruising, it is a term used to describe patterns where sex feels powerful without being pleasant, something you repeat over and over with less and less reward or sense of control.

There certainly is no right or wrong way of looking at the art of cruising or its necessity. If that's what you label as fun, and rocks your boat, fine and good. On the other hand, if it stems from the deeper problems of loneliness, social prejudice or sexual compulsivity, then you need to seriously examine your life and search for the true motives of why you cruise.