Fridae

"HARD-BODIED HUNK SEEKS DISCREET, GOOD LOOKING GUYS FOR HOT NIGHTS OF FUN", screamed the ad text in caps. And it ended with "No effems!"

I was skimming through the Philippine personal ads on this site a friend had referred me to. Notwithstanding the fact that I wasn't quite in the I-need-a-boyfriend-or-my-life-is-meaningless stage yet, he was insistent that I check it out and post an ad. So to shut him up, I went to take a look, figuring I could maybe at least find someone for a quickie.

I clicked on the next ad. "Shy, 18 year old virgin seeks unforgettable first-time experience. No effems please." And so on.

Seemed like an overwhelming majority of Filipino ads were skewed away from guys who were effeminate.

I decided to poke around IRC. I remember there used to be a gaymanila channel somewhere, but couldn't for the life of me find it. I did find a few of its more "discreet" equivalents - Bi-manila and Boys-male on Dalnet. And I found the same thing here. Nearly everyone advertising their stats and specialties always added the "no effems" qualifier. I even found one channel where it explicitly stated that "effems" were not welcome, and that the people there should band together to eradicate them! I mean, jeez.

A few months ago, I'd written about the gay terminology, if you can call it that, here in the Philippines. How "gay" was the term for effeminate, limp wrested queens, and "bi" was the term used for butch marys. I hadn't realized till lately, though, how endemic the paranoia had been getting.

Just when I thought that the Filipino gay culture, at least in the city, had evolved into a sufficiently first-world form, I discover just how backward it can be underneath. Just when I thought that local gay men were finally ready to stand up proud, high heeled or otherwise, they scuttle back into the closet.

Now far be it from me to dictate what someone's taste leans toward. Ads in Singapore often had more qualifiers - no chubs, fems, trannies, etc. But I've noticed that the stigmatization here extends beyond just the search for love and sex. Many of the "discreet" (in local terminology "closeted") gay men here refuse to even socialize with those who are out. As if being effeminate was contagious in some way. They've equated being an out queen with someone who's loud, tacky, embarrassing, and one step away from cross-dressing. When in truth, it's the person's social class that usually determines his behavior.

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Discreet doesn't necessarily mean safe. And effeminate doesn't necessarily mean shameful. Just remember, that tacky little queen you're sneering at has shown a lot more courage, will and strength of character than you.

When I started my first job 10 years ago, I was faced with the question of being chummy with a colleague who was openly gay, loud, effeminate, and who went to work bedecked in pearls. Even for the advertising field, that was flamboyant. Should I continue my friendship with him (I wasn't even out then yet) and accept the stigma and natural assumptions that follow it, or should I join the ranks of the disapproving heterosexual majority, and thus preserve my own closet space?

I chose the former. To this day, he's one of my closest friends. Screw what everyone else thought. Granted not everyone has that luxury, especially those working in the corporate world, but hell, you have to draw the line somewhere. Maybe there was a price, but I chose to pay it. I already live under enough constraints. Why should I fetter myself further? Yet to this day, people still aren't sure about my orientation. Hell, even my gay friends keep asking me if I'm sure I'm gay. But just because I'm that way doesn't mean I demand the same level of butchness in my friends or lovers. What gives me the right?

However, I do admit to some guilt. I don't get all that turned on with effeminate guys, although I've had a few really good encounters but I draw the line at drag queens.

What depresses me is that most of the people who subscribe to the "effem" stratification are the ones from the younger gay generation. I mean I can understand better from someone who's in his 40's and who's spent the last 2 decades of his life in the closet. But for the young, trendy, twentysomethings, it's practically a crime against gayhood. No "Friend of Dorothy" card for you. I'm not saying that everyone should come out, right here right now. Coming out is a gradual process of growth, and the readiness comes to each of us differently. But AT LEAST try to further your own personal growth, not stunt it.

Fear grows stronger with feeding. Don't cater to it.

Worse, it's the kind of trend that the even newer generations of young gay men are meeting when they enter the scene. Where does that leave young queens?

One of the virulent Fridae forum responses to one of my columns stated, "people who pay for sex must be either fat or old or ugly". Actually, my dear bigot, it's the effeminate gays who have to do this more often. Because even chubs and old guys have an easier time finding love and sex in this city. And I really don't think it's a matter of choice for them.