Fridae

Dear Fridae,

I'm an exchange student and I've found the gay life in Singapore to be fabulous, just fabulous! Everyone is so friendly, and I just love the local tongue! But I'm not really all that experienced in, you know, that stuff. Yet I am eager to experience everything. While I am not ready for any relationship, I am ready to have my first one-night stand and I want that to be, you know, incredible. And memorable. Really memorable. But I have a rather high selection criteria and would like to know how you can tell if a Singaporean is well hung?

Soon-to-be Shameless Hussy


Dear Shameless Hussy,

You can always tell if a Singaporean is well-hung when only the very tip of your index finger can slip between his neck and the noose.

Always the definitive authority, one remains,
Alvin Tan
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Dear Fridae,

As you know, butches don't really have one night stands ... at least not as much as the boys anyway. So my question is: Why don't butches have more one-night stands?

Damn Butch


Dear Butch,

The answer is simple: Because by the time they finish uncoiling those endless miles of wrap used for breast binding, fold them up neatly in one corner, strap on the dildo or charge up the vibrator, it'll be daylight.

Risking the wrath of butches everywhere,
Alvin Tan
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Dear Fridae,

I have a very unique problem. I am a gay man twenty-nine years of age and still a luckless virgin (sigh). I don't think I'll ever have one night stands as I am a staunch believer of the sanctity of sex. That and the fact that I look like Quasimodo. Please help me.

Chaste Beyond Words


My dear girl,

Remove that tampon and stop being so anal retentive. (Bites tongue) But since you've written in to seek our advice, it is my duty to remind you not to worry over those things which may never occur in your lifetime. Think of the damage even one fretful thought can do to an already aesthetically challenged face. That said, always remember that unlike wine, the value of virginity will never improve with age.

Serenely, one remains,
Alvin Tan
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Dear Fridae,

My boyfriend and I have been together for eight years. I love him and we have a very healthy sex life. Still I cannot resist indulging in one-night stands whenever he is away on business to satisfy my naughty streak. What does that make me?

Alvin Tan replies:

In just four words? A Human Cum Rag.

A believer in the brevity of language,
Alvin Tan

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Dear Fridae,

After every one-night stand, I feel like a tainted whore. Despite countless invitations to stay over, I find myself compelled by the urge to hurry home and wash myself clean of the filth. Because of my dirty obsession, I find myself unable to fully enjoy my one-night stands without unclean thoughts penetrating my mind! How can I improve upon my unfortunate situation?

Dirty Linen


Dear Dirty Linen,

With a vocabulary like yours, one would be hard-pressed to imagine why you would feel the way you do. As for how to make yourself really really clean, you should do what I always do: check the bottom of your shoes when you walk out - you can never be too sure you don't have a soiled tissue stuck to your shoe.

Ever willing to wash others' dirty linen for them,
Alvin Tan
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Dear Fridae,

I am no virtuous citizen. Although I am single and available, I am consumed by a sense of guilt every time I indulge in a one-night stand and refuse to acknowledge the other party the day after. To make matters worse, my indulgences are getting increasingly rampant and I am getting increased weighed down by guilty feelings after every nightly tryst. What should I do?

Remorseful


Dear Remorseful,

Unless you style yourself as the Mother Theresa of Gaydom (though I don't think so given your track record), I do not think you will burn in the fiery pits of hell if you end up bumping and dumping your one-night stand.

So it is my gentle suggestion that you not torture yourself if you feel unable to follow through on your ideal image of yourself. In other words, if you happen to be a slut, I would suggest that you try to cultivate some self-acceptance and love yourself for your sluttiness.

Ever the slutty � I mean, sensitive one,
Alvin Tan
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Dear Fridae,

I'm a lesbian with an embarrassing problem. Whenever I have a one-night-stand, I am so aroused that leaks would appear all over my bedsheets! What can I do to stamp the flow and prevent any possible embarrassment?

Wet Lesbian


Dear Ms Loose Faucet,

As you did not specify the types of leaks or the conditions under which these leaks occur, one cannot be too specific about the solution. However, my Martha Stewart handbook on Elegant Housekeeping did mention a wonderful device known as a "Cement Gun" which apparently is versatile enough to plug most leaks indefinitely.

Still the expert on household tips,
Alvin Tan