Fridae

Hi,

My boyfriend and I just broke up not long ago� The breakup was a sudden one. He did not contact me for five days and after five days, he MMSed me asking to breakup. The reason that he gave was a breakdown in communications between the two of us� but we only live two blocks away! My heart was shattered into pieces. I cried for hours but no one seemed to care, not even my ex. What should I do? Is there any possibility that we can patch up?

Pid0

Poor Poor Pid0,

You have suffered a most vicious blow! Imagine being dumped via MMS! Oh, the ignominy! Still, let me get this straight - your boyfriend ups and leaves you with no word only to reappear five days later to dump you and you want him back? Unless he is the victim of an alien abduction attempt, any man who hasn't the strength of character to say good-bye face-to-face is, in my opinion, a spineless and useless creep.

As for what you should do, you should get a grip and show some spine. Unless, you are considering revenge as an option (if so, do write in for some bunny boiler tips), there's nothing much you can do. Once a person decides to dump you, that, I'm afraid, is the end of the story. Time to move on Pid0, you deserve better. Afterall, there are a lot more penises in the pond.

Never A Successful Marriage Counselor,
Alvin Tan

Alvin,

I wish to break up with my boyfriend. He's really attractive and everything but I feel that he's spending way too much time on his military career and neglecting me as a result. A "girl" does need some attention and affection from her man you know. So how do I dump him without hurting his feelings too much?

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Dear Up Is Hard (sorry, couldn't resist),

Firstly, you should never use those so-over-used-they-should-be-banned reasons such as "I'm not ready for a relationship" and "It's not you, it's me." Secondly, you should just be frank and completely honest with him about the entire matter. And finally, if he's a high-ranking officer, you should send him my way.

Sir Yes Sir,
Alvin Tan

Dear Alvin,

I am a young professional in the creative business and good taste is a prerequisite. The problem is that my boyfriend does not share the same aspirations as I do. He still needs some polishing in taste and social etiquette. When we go out to bars and clubs, I find myself embarrassed to introduce him as my boyfriend to my friends - so much so that many of my friends still do not know that I have one! The dilemma comes when I get some advances from guys that I find really compatible with myself. So my questions are:

a) Do I attempt to change my boyfriend?
b) Do I change myself to suit him?
c) Or maybe it is time I ended this relationship?

Not So Innocent

Dear Not So Innocent,

To be quite blunt, the answer is a resounding "No!" to your first two queries and an equally resounding "Yes!" to your final one. How can you even consider him your boyfriend when you obviously don't love him for what he is? You do nothing but criticise your poor boyfriend - he has no taste, he lacks the requisite social skills and he's an embarrassment to you. Good heavens darling, can the list get any longer?

So I'm afraid I don't have good news for you. Brutal as it may seem, it's time to call it a day since there really doesn't seem to be anything remotely compatible in your "relationship." There, dilemma solved. Now you can stop "wondering" and start "wandering."

Still Very Innocent (as if!),
Alvin Tan

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Dear Well-Mannered Alvin,

I have a confession to make. My butch and I dine at our favourite open-air seafood restaurant every weekend. After feasting on chilli crabs, she would (without fail) slip her fingers inside my underwear so that I can enjoy a more "stimulating" evening. Unfortunately, our "under-the-table" adventures are always conducted in full view of the other diners. While I'm flushed with excitement whenever that happens, I'm also terribly worried that we would, one day, be caught in the act. Oh, what should I do?

Ms Bereddened Cheeks

Dear Ms Bereddened Cheeks,

Your predicament merely confirms my suspicion that public manners for lesbians have degenerated to an irreparable level these days. Still if your butch and yourself insist on engaging in such wanton behaviour in the public, you should, firstly, make sure that your partner washes her fingers thoroughly and secondly, email me the details of your weekly dinner date so that I can inform our lesbian Editor who would no doubt wish to sit at the next table and watch the entire torrid act while treating herself to some "finger food".

Ms Manners Herself,
Alvin Tan

Editor's note to the pair: If exhibitionism is your bowl of chowder, may I suggest that you put some ads up on Fridae to solicit invitations to perform at private parties where you can be sure that others around you do actually want to share in your excitement.

Dearest Alvin,

I suspect that the guy I'm dating could well be a drama queen. How can I be certain if he is or if he isn't? I've read your article on Drama Queens and as an expert on the subject; can you perhaps help me out here?

Life Is Not A Stage.

Dear Life Is Not A Stage,

It's simple really. If your guy is a drama queen, then everything else is a much bigger deal to him than it is to everyone else. When his mood is down, he's not unhappy, he's chest-thumpingly livid. When his mood is up, he's not happy, he's over-the-moon ecstatic. When his mood goes haywire, he'll rant and rave at the top of his lungs. And to give credence to his outbursts, unbelievable things happen to him all the time - only his reactions to all of them are truly worthy of an Oscar. If your guy is indeed a drama queen, just remember that he's a regular gay turned up to level ten when everyone else is functioning at level five. So you can either tell him to bring it down a notch or two or you can ask him to exit stage left.

No Drama Mama,
Alvin Tan

Erm Alvin,

This is most embarrassing. My partner (who's top) has on numerous occasions asked to do it "doggy style" but I have no idea what he meant by that. Once I consented but it turned out to be disastrous (I will spare you the details). Can you please explain what "doggy style" means? Thanks.

Bow Wow

Dear Bow Wow,

One word of advice: when your partner asks you to do it "doggy style," he really isn't asking you to bark (or bite 'it') like a deranged chihuahua. "Doggy style" is the classic position that the heterosexual community thinks is the only way we do it (oh, ignorance is bliss). Basically, it requires the bottom to go down on all fours with his butt facing his topman. This way, the screwer can have an easy angle of entry and get a great view of the screwee's butt at the same time. A note of warning: doing it "doggy style" can be rough on your knees so you might wish to have a pair of those volley-ball knee pads on standby.

A Firm Believer In The Heels To Heaven Position,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality/ religion/ sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin's advice.