Fridae

"We have come to it at last, the great battle of our time."
- Gandalf to Pippin in The Return of The King

After sitting through The Return of The King, I have come to one conclusion: To enjoy the film in its entirety, you would need to have the water-retention prowess of a seasoned Sahara camel or a bladder with the ability to hold back a bursting dam.

Touted as the trilogy to end all trilogies, the final story arc of Tolkien's Lord of the Rings saga, The Return of The King, clocks in at a butt-numbing three hours and 20 minutes. Yet despite its length, the film makes up for any discomfort and seat squirming with its epic storytelling, magnificent sweeping landscapes and you-try-and-top-this combat scenes.

Harkening back to the past, the opening sequence of the film offers the audience a glimpse into the origins of the schizophrenic CGI-marvel that is Gollum (Andy Serkis) and explains how he was once a Hobbit named Smeagol (also Andy Serkis) who murdered his cousin Deagol (Thomas Robins) to take possession of the One Ring.

Having established the corruptive power of the Ring, The Return of The King then picks up where The Two Towers left off with Frodo (Elijah Wood) and Sam (Sean Austin) continuing on their quest to cast the One Ring into the fires of Mordor's Mount Doom - with the treacherous Gollum as their guide.

While Sam continues to gaze with barely disguised longing into the soulful eyes of physically weakening Frodo, Gollum sows discord amongst the two journeying Hobbits and eventually succeeds in (mis)leading them to the lair of Shelob - a spider so scary it makes the rest of the Eight Legged Freaks cast appear as threatening as a flock of braying lambs.

In the meanwhile, the remaining members of the Fellowship have rallied together to defend the Byzantine city of Minas Tirith, capital of Gondor. Reeling from the loss of his son, the Steward of the city, Denethor (John Noble), rejects the wizard Gandalf's (Ian McCellan) counsel to call on other armies in preparation for the Dark Lord Sauron's final siege.

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Enter valiant human and future sovereign Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen), swoon-worthy elf archer Legolas (Orlando Bloom) and altitudinally challenged Gimli (John Rhys-Davies) as they rally an army of nobles against the overwhelming forces of darkness. On the eve of battle, however, Aragorn leaves with sidekicks Legolas and Gimli, and uses his power as the heir to the throne of Gondor to enlist the aid of a cursed spectral army of the dead - all of whom happen to resemble Marilyn Manson.

In the climactic mother-of-all battles known as the Battle of Pelennor Fields, the united warriors of Gondor square off against Sauron's invasionary force comprising 200,000 foul-smelling Orcs augmented by trolls, dive-bombing Fell Beasts and Jurassic Park-like mastodons known as Mumakils.

Particularly battle-worthy are Eowyn (Miranda Otto) who is transformed from a weepy-willow in The Two Towers into a Xena-type as she takes on the Nazgul Witch King Gothmog (Lawrence Makoare), Gandalf and his enchantments (including summoning giant eagles to neutralize the Fell Beasts) and of course, my favourite Legolas (Oh Orlando!) who dispatches an entire Mumakil with nary a strand of his re-bonded golden locks out of place.

Fans of Tolkien's fable will also be glad to know that the eternally lovelorn Arwen (Liv Tyler) returns in The Return of The King to model capes converted from bed linen and whisper in an asthmatic manner. Likewise, drama-mama Elf Queen Galadriel (Cate Blanchett) continues to deliver her lines in slow-mo and makes an uncharacteristically subtle appearance to lend support to Frodo in his hour of need sans blinding light and flowing robes.

After the battles are fought and won, The Return of The King ends with a 20-minute coda of quiet grief and muted celebration which, combined with Howard Shore's stirring score, provides an eloquent and thoughtful conclusion to a deeply satisfying trilogy.

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And as a farewell tribute to J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of The Rings saga and the cinematic triumph that is The Return of The King, Fridae would like to present its very own LOTR Awards:

Most In Need Of A Wash-And-Blow Dry: Aragorn

Most Likely Spokes-Elf for Pantene Hair Conditioner: Legolas

Most Heart Wrenching Breakup: Frodo and Sam near Mount Doom (no thanks to third-party Gollum).

Most Touching Scene: Any scene featuring Homobbits Frodo and Sam or Merry and Pippin professing their devotion to each other.

Most Hard-To-Kill-Off Character: Gollum

Most Worthy Of Being On American Idol: Pippin (check out his threnody to Faramir!).

Most Guilty Of Over-Enunciation: Galadriel and her Cambridge accent.

Most In Need Of A Facial: The leader of the invading Orcs who resembles a walking pimple.

Most Likely To Be Mistaken As A Rock Band: Eomer and the Riders of Rohan with their flowing curls.

Most Likely To Be Mistaken For Cher: Saruman (give or take a few years and plastic surgeries).