Fridae

My Darling Daniel,

Through my personal spy network (which would put the KGB to shame), I first received the joyous news that you would be in Singapore to promote your new movie Enter The Phoenix. I knew there and then that my mission in life would be to obtain (through whatever means) a pass to your press conference at the Conrad Centennial Hotel held on April 5.

Being ever so resourceful, I was able to ambush a female floozy from some local Chinese tabloid in the restroom, hide her unconscious body behind an Ikebana arrangement, apply my makeover skills and pass myself off as "Mary Mee" (at least that's what "my" press pass says).

Taking my seat amongst the unfashionable hoi-polloi from the press (how great is my sacrifice!), I waited with bated breath for your arrival. The moment you walked through the door in crisp white linen shirt and black pinstriped pants, my head started to spin (perhaps I should have listened when the salesgirl told me my Paris Hilton blonde wig was two sizes too small but I digress).

Throughout the conference, your quick-witted and self-assured answers to the paparazzi only served to confirm my assessment that you are truly deserving of me! You revealed that homophobia was never an issue with you since you grew up in San Francisco (wink wink). Then you made the smile on my face wider when you said that you have many gay friends.

You would be pleased to note that when Stephen Fung interrupted you to pass obvious remarks on how you appeal to both men and women, I shot him a look that would have paralysed the average Bengal tiger.

But enough about Stephen - according to all my friends (after a bit of arm-twisting) - we are simply perfect for each other! You are maddeningly gorgeous while I have been labeled maddening on more than one occasion.

As an avid marital arts proponent who has trained at the Beijing Wushu Academy, you would also be delighted to learn that I am an accomplished cocks(wo)man... I mean swords(wo)man! After years of watching old wuxia movies the likes of Golden Swallow (1968) aka Mistress of the Thunderbolt and Flying Dagger (1969), I can now proudly declare that I know every thrust and blow of the Heavenly Virgin Stance!

What's more, in your new movie Enter The Phoenix, you play a gay triad leader - why! I have always aspired to be a gangster's moll! Surely, that cannot be a mere coincidence?

And if that's not proof enough, remember during the press conference when that hare-brained hussy from the Hong Kong press asked you to name your ideal gay partner? I could have sworn you cast a sly look in MY direction before doing the politically correct thing by mentioning director Stephen Fung's name (but you can't fool me!).

Fortunately for you, I perfectly understand your need to keep our "mutual attraction" in the dark - considering how you are a public figure. I therefore declare my utter devotion to you (and your well-toned body) through this secret missive and end with my humble offer of my hand in marriage.

Awaiting Your Reply,
Your Concubine Alvin Tan

(With thanks to Sylvester for the wonderful pictures at the press conference.)

Editor's Note: Daniel Wu's spokesperson was initially bewildered when approached for comments regarding Alvin Tan's "claims" but later recalled that a blonde transvestite was indeed given the boot by hotel security after attempting to throw folded notes at Daniel.