Fridae

Dear Alvin,

I am extremely interested as to why most of the gay community is inclined towards opposite sex behaviour when their primary love interest is of the same sex? If anything, gay men should be more masculine and lesbians more feminine? To me, the more masculine a guy, the higher his appeal.

Also why are arts and music so closely associated with gays? I for one never had much artistic talent and if defense sports were an exam subject, I would probably the only one to pass with flying colours. Shouldn't we stop perpetuating this stereotype of gay men?

I am asking all these questions because my boyfriend always insists that I participate in his arty activities which I find extremely boring, but refuses to join me in extreme sports. He also said that I am too masculine and once asked if I'm really gay because all my friends are straight and I'm not into the usual gay things! Strangely, I am the more romantic and affectionate one while he is more closeted and conservative.

Also, he doesn't like me paying for everything (I can well afford it and enjoy eating at nice places) because he feels like I'm his sugar daddy even though I am younger than him. So now we only go to places he can afford and it's killing me because it's either too stuffy or the food or service sucks. What am I to do, continue living like this till death do us part?

Thanks a lot,
Inquisitor


Dear Inquisitor,

Your boyfriend is clearly deranged. This is the first time I've come across a gay man who has issues with his boyfriend being too "masculine." This is also the first time I've come across a gay man who has issues with his boyfriend offering to pay for everything! I should think that the reverse situation of gay men complaining that their boyfriends are too effeminate or too penny-pinching would be more commonplace but I digress.

Moving on, let me channel relationship gurus everywhere and say that a relationship should always be built on compromise. So if your boyfriend insists that you follow along for some butt-numbing concert performed by visiting foreign orchestras, you should agree only if he is willing to join you in your month-long Himalayas trek. After all, fair is fair.

Next, partners in a relationship should always be equal or made to feel equal. If your partner is uncomfortable with fine dining (another indication of his derangement), then you should start growing a wardrobe more conducive to hawker centers and food courts. If you really need to dine out at an expensive restaurant, reassure him that he's not getting the meal for free and then ask him to suck you off underneath the table. (But drop me an email to let me know the venue, date and time first).

Finally, let me conclude by saying that the gay universe is far more diverse than you could ever imagine. Just as there are masculine gay men, there are also effeminate gay men. Just as there are gay men more inclined towards the arts, there are also gay men who are into rugged activities (and can't tell the difference between a pirouette and a petit jete). Whatever the case may be, there will always be other gay men who appreciate the gay men belonging to each (or more) of the aforementioned categories. So always remember: "To each his own."

Ms Gay Universe Herself,
Alvin Tan

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Dear Alvin,

I'm currently in a long distance relationship and somehow my interest and love for my partner is dwindling. I know I will hurt him if I break up but I feel I am just wasting more of my time the longer I stay in a relationship that really has no substance. However, that's not my dilemma - this is my dilemma: he has hinted before that if I break up with him, he will burn my flat and kill himself. What should I do?

Worried Sick

Dear Worried Sick,

Your boyfriend (and soon-to-be ex) is a drama queen of the highest order! Imagine! Resorting to threats of property damage and suicide in this day and age! Why, you must either be a creature of unparalleled beauty and charm - or a gay man with questionable taste in boyfriends!

When faced with potentially "fiery" situations, one should refer to the basic tenet of Firefighting 101: remain calm and do not panic. With that in mind, here's what you should do:

1) You should insure your flat and your wardrobe (especially if it's filled with Dior, Dolce and Demeulemeester);
2) You should make sure that you're not IN your flat when he attempts to torch it; and
3) Finally, you should start shopping for a stunning black funeral suit and purchase a wide rimmed hat decorated with reams of black Chantilly lace to complete that grieving widow look.

Your Fire Extinguisher,
Alvin Tan


Dear Alvin,

I found myself in a dilemma brought about by the electronic age. I know it's wrong to lie and deceive, and I used to think that little "white lies" are okay just to avoid hurting someone's feelings. But the other night I found myself in a morally compromising position.

I was chatting with a "friend" over MSN Messenger and things got hot and heavy. He had a webcam and treated me to a little show. Things went fine for a while, but then he just kept going on and on and on and I got really bored. So I faked an orgasm and it goes something like this:

"Oooh yeah, wow. F*** oh that's so hot ... be right back."

"Sorry have to go clean up."

I had to finish it off so I could sleep. Now I'm wrestling with my conscience as to whether this is ok or not. Can you help me?

Sincerely,
Pleasure Faker

Dear Pleasure Faker,

You bad boy you! Don't you know that losing interest in one's partner (and showing it) after one has "climaxed" is the height of poor manners? Having said that, you definitely need help - not with your appalling bedroom etiquette - but with your ability to "fake" an orgasm online.

If you have a webcam, you should watch the infamous When Harry Met Sally restaurant scene and 9 1/2 Weeks, Whitney Houston's music videos (just reenact the quivering lips and add in her usual shrieks for effect) and lots of porn (paying attention to the facial contortions of the actors prior to the money shots).

If you do not have a webcam and have to resort to "describing" your orgasm, then you should read (and memorize) erotic passages from Jackie Collins, Harold Robbins and again watch lots of porn (this time, paying particular attention to the utterances (groans and moans included) emanating from the actors prior to the money shots).

Trust me, an online orgasm the likes of "Oooh yeah, wow. F*** oh that's so hot... be right back" is not the least convincing (unless your "friend" is illiterate) and honestly, a bit of an "anti-climax."

The Multi-Orgasmic Man,
Alvin Tan


Dear Alvin,

I've been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks now. He's great in bed but it came to my attention that his reputation in the gay scene isn't too good (in fact, it's horrible). I have been avoiding his calls for the past few days. But I feel guilty. Is there a diplomatic way of telling this guy I'm not interested in seeing him anymore? I really don't wish to hurt him as I know what it's like to be dumped. Please help.

Dumped Turn Dumper

Dear DTD,

As the Mother Theresa (God bless her soul!) of the gay world, I am of the opinion that every gay man deserves a second chance. Hence, when it comes to dating someone, it's not important what that someone has done in the past - unless he happens to have a history of serially killing off and then eating up his boyfriends. Rather, it's how that someone is treating you in the present that's important. Unfortunately, you appear to have made up your mind about not "seeing him anymore" so the point is moot.

Next, when it comes to dumping someone, there is no such thing as "a diplomatic way." However, the next best thing is "the honest way." Instead of avoiding his calls and behaving as if you are in the Witness Protection Programme, you should be upfront about the matter and let him know why you're dumping him - so that he would have a chance to defend the allegations or at least be aware of his "odious" reputation in the gay scene.

An Honest Homosexual,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality/ religion/ sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.