Fridae

Parents can be difficult. Very difficult. At least I know that my parents can be. I remember one great family get-together some time back. It was after I had started living with my husband, M. I had really believed that my father had finally accepted the fact that I was a PLUS and that M was my partner. When I look back at that time I realise just how naive I was.

Well, the family was together and dinner had been had. M had stayed home and I had gone alone. After dinner while we had gathered around for some talk, my father suddenly blurted out to me "When are you getting married? When am I going to get a grandchild?" He said these things after I had already been together with M for a few years. I was devastated. Everything that I had assumed, that he had accepted us, that he was cool with our relationship, was shattered.

Naturally I defended my relationship, and rather than doing what so many other PLUS Asians do, agree to a marriage to save "face" (often meaning to save inheritance), I held my stand. But it was not easy. And I very well understand the amount of pressure that many of my gay bothers and sisters, especially those in non-Western countries, go through.

I do love my father. He loved me, took care of me, guided me, educated me, and all those other things that I thought a father should do. But at times, when he is in one of his nasty moods I feel that I could just pop that little pinhead of his. It is what I call a love-hate relationship. I love him, yet I would love to be away from him. At times we talk so well, yet at times I think he is a rude, nasty, being. But I know that deep down he is a very lonely man. Many people are lonely as they get older. Many, especially the hetties, are. They lack many of the resources to go and meet new friends (or, I should say, are hesitant to do so, at least more than PLUS are).

My relationship with my mother is simpler. She told me many years ago to get married, knows that I am a PLUS, and although we never talk about it, has more-or-less come to accept it. I think that is the way it is with mothers; they always know that their children are gay, no matter how hard we may try to hide it from others as well as from ourselves. In Japan/Asia, such matters are left unsaid. No one really wants to talk about it.

Many Westerners believe that in this respect Asia is far behind the West. They are right. This is not to say that I no longer believe in Asia. I believe that the future for Asia is very bright, and that despite the recent misfortunes, Asian economies will continue to grow at a fast clip. I also believe that PLUS rights have come a long way, and will continue to progress in our continent. There have been gay parades in Japan, the Philippines, Thailand, and I am sure in other places. But many Asians still believe that the main purpose of life is to reproduce. And reproduce. And reproduce. That, and perhaps belief in God, are all that really matters. Everything else is secondary.

It's strange. No matter how much talent a PLUS may bring to the world, no matter how much healing, or love, or art, if he/she is not married with kids, he/she just sort of missed out of the main purpose of life. This is what many still believe, not only in Asia but the world.

True many Asians increasingly come out to their families, and are accepted. I know many in Japan that have done so. But still, for the most part they are the exception to the rule. Most Japanese parents, Asian parents, still can't accept the fact that their children may be homosexual. They just can't fathom the thought. It's not that they don't understand what being gay is, despite what many Japanese PLUS like to believe. Due to wide media coverage, sometimes favourable, other times not, it is hard to escape the mention of homosexuality in one form or another.

As I said earlier, as for my folks, they know that I am a PLUS. Many, many years ago when I was in my thirties, my father and I had a big fight over my not dating girls and not mentioning marriage. I simply told him that I was not the typical guy and could not get married. Since then the pressure has eased up. My parents know what homosexuality is, and they know that I am one of "them." But I have never come right out and said it.

And because of this, I have been chastised by many of my PLUS friends. Many believe that I should make some earth-shattering announcement to them and to the world that I was gay. But I don't understand the reasoning behind this. My parents know that I am gay, but they just don't want to hear it or believe it. Isn't that their prerogative? Why rub their noses in it? Stand up for gay rights? Of course! But why fight with them and hurt them for no tangible reason? But this concept is one that many PLUS just can't understand, especially those brought up in the West.

It is especially difficult to come out to your parents when you know that their reaction will not be favourable, and when you have a good relationship with them. There had been so many family outings, bicycle rides, and other times when I just wanted to tell my parents about my wanting to date guys, but couldn't bring myself to blurting out my dark little secret.

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One reason that the West is ahead of us in this respect is that the PLUS communities in these respective countries are so well organised. Indeed, any politician that hopes to win in local elections would need to make at least a brief appearance at the gay and lesbian parades held in New York, San Francisco, etc. The political lobbying for PLUS rights, as well as actions groups to oppose offensive television shows and personalities is quite strong.

But what about Asia? Most of us are still too meek to do much the same. Things are improving and the local PLUS rights groups are increasingly making themselves known. One reason is that we are rarely taught to stand up for ourselves and for our rights. Another is that many of us are so comfortable with sex readily available, that we can become complacent. In some countries, it is down right dangerous to come out, but this is certainly not the case in most of Southeast and East Asia. In places like Japan too many of my older PLUS brothers and sisters were all to content with the ample supply of saunas and bars, that few wanted to join PLUS groups to push for political power. In fact many were against it!

Yesterday
I remember a time once in the early 1980s (which I am sure seems like the 1880s to many younger readers) when the gay movement in Japan was just starting to come about. During those first few years of organising and planning of meetings, I was stunned at how many GAY men I knew who were older actually criticised the movement. "Why come out and make ourselves known?" one person said to me. "Since we are invisible no one bothers us." (At that time the Japanese government was busy telling the world that Japan had only 300,000 homosexuals. How they got that number is anyone's guess. They have long since ceased guessing at our numbers.)

Sadly, this form of thinking was the norm among many PLUS that I knew at that time. Yes, we were invisible, and thus gay bashing was unheard of, but then again, we were invisible, and as such our rights were not protected in any real way. So was it good to be invisible? Heck No!

That is now changing. In fact, in Japan thanks to groups such as OCCUR as well as JILGA, Japanese gay activism has come to the fore.

Senkyo=Vote
My main point here being that if more PLUS Asians take being gay seriously, and, if remotely possible, try to help their local organisations push for PLUS rights, then things would be a hell of a lot better for us as PLUS children. If more people are aware that we exist as average people (as opposed to some faggy queers), then perhaps coming out to our parents would be an easier task. Rather than sticking our homosexuality in our parents' faces (when they most likely know that we are gay), let's stick it in our politicians' faces. By simply tolerating abuse by politicians and society, we are in fact silently condoning such attitudes.

And what better way to do this than to VOTE for those that are sympathetic to our cause. In the US, voting in taken seriously. Unfortunately, in places such as Japan, it is not. I am so sad that so many of my PLUS Japanese friends do not feel that voting in Japanese elections is of any importance. They are dead wrong. Politicians are politicians and may be swayed with political pressure. It is especially sad for Japanese, because we are a people blessed with a democratic system. We are also a people who are, like US nationals, allowed to vote while living abroad. Yet I am the only Japanese PLUS that I know of that registered at the Japanese embassy and voted in the most recent election, by mail.

Political apathy is deadly. And for those that don't believe that PLUS activism is required, or still believe that we are better off being invisible, I most strongly urge you to see a movie (based on a Broadway play), titled The Boys And The Band. It was made in 1970 and shows what the US was like then. It is perhaps my favourite US video and I watch it frequently, to keep reminding me of where many PLUS Asians are, and where places like Japan and the US would be if not for the brave souls doing what I call the "dirty work."

Too busy to be active? Then at least vote. Too busy for that? Heaven help us! PLUS rights in such seemingly "progressive" places such as the US and Japan are a far cry from anything that most of us would consider even remotely satisfactory. In the US, I still cannot marry M anywhere, must get him legal documentation for him to have right of attorney in case of any major accident that should befall me, etc., etc. In Japan things are worse.

So we have a long way to go. And this is especially true in Asia. We need gay activists in the West, but we especially need them in Asia. We also need people to become more politically active (where it is possible). This is how change is fostered. Simply being able to have sex is not enough. But at the very least, vote, and urge your politicians to vote in our favour.

This column reflects the personal view of the writer and was first published in July 2000 in OG Magazine. Hidesato Sakakibara's columns will be published on alternate Fridays. He lives in New York with his husband "M" and has a Master's degree in business, but enjoys writing on various topics that may be of interest to gay Asians.