Fridae

"Did you hear that so-and-so wore a multi-hued Hawaiian shirt to the party? Didn't anyone tell him that Hawaiian shirts went out with Magnum P.I. ? Like, they died there and then." (Cue: Trails of pitiless laughter).

Sounds all too familiar? Yes, horror stories involving fashion foibles circulate around the vicious gay grapevine all the time - accompanied by no-he-didn't! gasps and much rolling of eyes heavenward.

Fortunately, party people preparing for the upcoming Nation.V parties don't have to be aspiring Mizrahis to make an impression at Phuket come November 4. Fridae has officially released the party dress codes and compiled a list of fashion dos and don'ts!

Overall, I would advise everyone to follow the Mariah Carey rule of dressing: Less Is Best. In other words, stuff your suitcases with the skimpiest of outfits and remember to bring along whatever accessories you may need (in this case, it's better to over-pack than under-pack).

Having said that, do stay away from the tropical resort look (a sarong is so-wrong in this case unless you're a lipstick lesbian) and avoid butt-cleaving denim cut-offs made popular by super-bimbo Jessica Simpson in her role as Daisy Duke in The Dukes of Hazzard - they're tres tacky!

Tans are optional this party season but fake tans are a definite no-no. Trust me, no one should look like they've just been doused in Tang Orange Drink Mix. In fact, the pale "I-may-be-suffering-from-leukemia" look is fast gaining popularity thanks to Korean actors typified by reigning wimp Bae Yong Jun and scores of Korean starlets.

Most importantly, for Nation.V partygoers, it's the attitude that counts. So in the grand tradition of America's Next Top Model, let's all do the requisite Tyra Banks pose (eyes alive, everyone!), repeat the mantra from Ms Banks' hit series: "Fierce Beauty! Fabulous Strut! Fresh Personality!" and get ready to work the Nation party runway!

Poolside Parties: Beachwear
Tyra Mail! "Get ready to swim with the sharks. Beachwear is NEVER forgiving."

The general rule for poolside parties is to be seen in swim-styles which (hopefully) swim rather than sink - and nothing creates more waves than a gym-toned body clad in the latest micro-bikini, Waterboys type trunks or surfer shorts.

For femmes, kindly reference Paris Hilton in her provocative Carl's Jr. commercial or Demi Moore in her amazing Charlie's Angels debut. For butches, it's the usual fuss-free combination of loose t-shirts and beach shorts (how lucky!).

For guys (and some butches), beer bellies should be sucked in (stop complaining, if David Hasselhoff can do it season after season on Baywatch, so could you!) and way-too-tight Speedos should be swapped for beach shorts - especially if you are under-endowed.

G.Y.M. Welcome Party: Sports Attire
Tyra Mail! "To be a successful model, you have to know when to score!"

Bring out your whistle and get ready to play! The G.Y.M. Welcome Party is the perfect party for fitness fanatics (both real and pretend) with its sports theme. Gay men and women can choose from either individual or team sporting events, and play dress up accordingly!

For instance, gay men can wear the jersey and obscene red shorts combo from Iron Ladies (top pic, centre); butches can do a Hillary Swank in Million Dollar Baby and don a sexy singlet and boxing shorts ensemble; femmes can choose to be Maria Sharapova clones while drag queens can turn up wearing whatever it is the Venus Sisters are wearing!

For those with more team spirit (and I'm not referring to those into orgies), they can form "teams" and turn up in the official colours of their favourite sports team from football, basketball, baseball, volleyball and even synchronized swimming (those floral caps are to die for!).

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Locker Room Party: Gym Attire
Tyra Mail! "Looking super is hard work! So be prepared to work that bod-dee!"

For the gym-going crowd, preparing for the Locker Room Party should be as easy as lifting a one-kilo barbell! Gym gods and goddesses can just recycle their cleave-to-the-body workout gear since these outfits would be quickly shed anyway. For gay men with neglected twig legs, avoid running shorts, and for overbuilt gay men with bitch tits, avoid the shorts and singlet combo - you don't want to be mistaken for a waitress at Hooters. And for the more shameless ones, a mere jock strap would suffice.

Whatever your gender, never wear knee-high socks (unless you're a Japanese schoolgirl) or matching head and wrist bands a la Richard Simmons. And if you happen to be as well-fed as Adam West in the Batman TV series circa 1966-1969, then you should opt for the all-purpose track suit.

Nation.V: Bling! Bling!
Tyra Mail! "All ready to razzle and dazzle? Then go forth and flaunt!"

From discreet sparkles to all-out super-shine, the theme for the main Nation.V party is "Bling! Bling!". So drape yourself with your entire collection of rocks, precious stones and even family heirlooms (but leave the jade pendants at home)! Just check out how Elizabeth Taylor, Liberace, Lil' Kim and P. Diddy flaunt and flash theirs and you'll get the picture - after the spots in your vision fade.

Nation.V party goers with a creative flair can adorn their outfits with Swarovski crystals (Cubic Zirconias for those on a shoe-string budget) or coat their skin with shimmering gold dust. For those who wish to stand out from the crowd, there are always jewelled tattoos, glittering eye shadow or gold teeth a la Madonna in Music.

Remember to only pile on the "bling" just before the main Nation.V party and not while you're en route to Phuket - you really don't want to set off the alarms at the airport (unless of course, you are turned on by the thought of a body search by the immigration officers).

See you at Nation.V!

Editor's Note: For all other parties, simply come as you are. Online sales of Nation.V All Access and Weekend Pass end 31 October. Passes and tickets to individual events will be available at the door and at the Nation Customer Service Centre at Crowne Plaza from 3 November.