Fridae

My friend Bing has a thing or two for married men.

With a charming lack of logic sometimes found in the incurably romantic, he finds such men particularly irresistible for their "straightness." In fact, he notches up every conquest like a prized catch, each a testament to his ability to seduce the straight and narrow away from their normal paths.

I harbour no such delusions myself, though I have had encounters too with married men. Tempting as these men may be occasionally, I am too aware of their inner turmoil and pain to play them like any other gay person.

The impossible situation of gay men and women trapped in straight marriages comes up every now and then. In a high profile case in 2004, James McGreevey who was then the Governor of New Jersey announced that he is gay and was resigning on account of an affair with another man. A twice-married man with two children, McGreevey's revelations clearly showed that despite an increasing openness about gay issues, countless gay men and women are still masquerading behind the respectability of a straight marriage.

Indeed, societies around the world may be opening up but family, society and religion continue in many ways to be pressures that kept many gays firmly in the closet and push them into straight marriages.

In Asia particularly, strong family ties and traditions combine to make it almost impossible for one to stay single for life, not to mention the incessant nagging by parents eager to have grandchildren for bragging rights. And in Singapore, we have the exquisite privilege of the Government reminding us to have babies as a citizen's duty, preferably within wedlock.

Tan Beng Huat (not his real name), 41, puts it rather matter-of-factly. "What can one really do in my days? It's either living a lie with another woman or a life of lying to your parents, your siblings, your relatives, your friends, and so on. I think the choice, no matter how unsettling, was rather obvious for me then. If anything, at least it shut my parents up."

For Helen Khoo (not her real name), a previously-married lesbian, getting married was also the obvious thing to do as she "thought it was a normal route for everyone, to find a good man, get married and have kids."

The Singapore corporate world also plays a part in the marriage game. At work, one's sexual orientation is definitely not to be worn on the sleeve, unless he or she is in the usual "suspect" industries like creative industries, airlines, etc, in which case it is tolerated at best.

In the Singapore civil service, there has reportedly been a long-standing unspoken policy against the hiring of gays, which makes the announcement by then PM Goh Chok Tong on a new relaxed stand all the more surprising. However, nobody is betting on a mass exodus from the collective closet anytime soon.

It is impossible to estimate the number of gay men and women in straight marriages in Singapore but it is disconcerting that almost every gay person knows of someone in such a situation. Of course, not all such marriages are a result of external pressures.

Dillon (not his real name), an expatriate here in Singapore, got married because he "believed it was the right decision to make" and he was "very happy with life and comfortable with my sexuality." Amazingly, he said, "my wife was well aware of my feelings for men prior to getting married"!

But for the vast majority who felt pressured in one way or another to get married, there is often no fairy-tale ending.

Clarence Singam, Clinical Director and a psychologist with Oogachaga Counseling who works with gay clients in Singapore, said that "as the gay person becomes more in tune with his or her own authentic sexuality, he or she will be thrown into a conflict between living out an authentic inner life and maintaining the heterosexual fiction for the sake of the family."

In Helen's case, the married life was a source of constant turmoil.

"I couldn't face him, couldn't give a valid reason for divorce, have to avoid his sexual advances, couldn't get physically close to him." She said of her marriage which ended several years ago.

For Dillon, whose ex-wife knew of his sexual orientation before marriage, there was one main issue in addition to the usual relationship problems. He said, "my wife was constantly feeling as if she could not compete with men and was always afraid that I was going to leave her for a man."

The emotional maelstrom of married gays is compounded further by their isolation.

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Chris Lee, a forty-something high-flying investment trader in a Singapore bank, is a prime example of such. Not having had access to the channels freely available nowadays when he was younger, Chris has no close gay or lesbian friends to socialise with, let alone confide in. Practically coerced into a marriage in his early 20's, he used his long working hours like a hiding place from the straight married life, while struggling at the same time with his sexuality.

With no one to talk to, he sought solace and release by engaging in increasingly dangerous behaviours, from masturbating in office toilets to cruising in public areas. Fortunately, he stumbled into counselling and was rescued from the brink in time.

Like Chris, Helen was also "confused" and unsure of what to do next when she became more aware of her own sexuality. She remembered, "it was a totally different part of my usual life. I can't even confide in my usual friends who are straight and there are no gay or lesbian friends to talk to."

Not surprisingly, many became depressed and even suicidal, though counsellors here in Singapore are hard put to size up the situation as the majority chose to suffer in silence. And ironically, the increasing openness in Singapore about gays and gay issues actually led to greater tension for married gays.

Singam pointed out that "the heterosexually married gay person will find it increasingly difficult to live in an isolated cocoon. Previously they had 'assistance' from society's homophobia to keep up the barriers that they have constructed in their minds to maintain their heterosexual fiction."

So what can gays and lesbians trapped in straight marriages do?

There are a few brave ones who have decided to take the plunge and came out to their families. It is unlikely many did in as spectacular a fashion as former Governor had done but the aftermath is often the same, and just as devastating. Families, relatives and close friends have to pick up the pieces, and come to terms with the new reality.

There are also those who choose to just end their marriages without ever coming out. Helen plucked up the courage to nullify her marriage but was unprepared for the consequences of non-admission. "I couldn't explain to my family and my friends for my change of heart. I got lots of accusations from them and I felt pain to see my parents feeling sad."

Although the consequences can be devastating, gay counsellors like Singam are actually noticing a small trend of married gay and lesbians re-evaluating their positions. This mirrors a trend in the US and the causes are the same: increasing societal openness to gay issues and divorces becoming less stigmatised.

Ultimately, as with most things, there is no single answer. A lot depends on the circumstances and feelings of people involved. However, Singam thinks that "generally, it is psychologically damaging to keep suppressing one's sexual orientation, particularly when one is clearly conscious of it. The challenge, however, is to assist my clients to be able to reconcile with their sexuality and yet work out a way to live a life that takes into account the spouse and particularly the children."

On the brighter side, not all married gays' experiences have been negative. For Dillon, his seven-year marriage actually helped him glean valuable lessons that he now hopes will make his current relationship (with another man) much more satisfying and lasting. He also did not regret getting married in the first place as it has brought him "three wonderful children and seven years of fond memories."

Given the current developments, there is also hope that the younger generations of Singapore gays will not face the same pressures to get married.

With increased exposure to gay issues, greater societal understanding, an ever-burgeoning singles population, and a more relaxed attitude in official circles about gays, getting married will eventually become more of a choice than a necessity. What this will mean, hopefully, is that more people like us can take the road less travelled and create a future that is unique and true to ourselves.

Where to go for counselling
- Oogachaga (www.oogachaga.com) is a charitable pro-family sexuality affirming counselling and personal development agency; specialising in gender, sexuality, identity and relationship issues particularly for lesbian gay bisexual and transgendered ("LGBT") individuals and communities.

- Counselling and Care Centre (www.counsel.org.sg) is a non-governmental, non-profit agency offering psychological counselling services and training for professionals in the mental health and social services.The Centre's main area of service is providing counselling to those who are facing emotional, psychological, relationship and marital problems.