They're coming out of the woodwork. My exes that is.
Is a trip to a romantic southern province where no one knows us a ticket to hot illicit sex? Or a recipe for disaster?
I am cool. I am calm. This is the woman that broke my heart, after all. I text back. "Maybe. Let's talk in a few days." My heart doesn't even make it into the lift never mind past the 21st floor.
But it gets me thinking. Is it a good idea to get frisky with a former lover? Or will sex with your ex fuck up more than just the sheets?
As a recent ex myself - goodbye Stud and oh! hello empty dildo drawer - this question has more than just singular relevance.
Now, I've always been a firm believer in the wisdom behind "it never pays to get laid by your ex." And I can honestly say I've never been tempted. Once a girlfriend gets the "ex" tag, I just can't get it up for her anymore. It's some built-in biological defense system that, truth be said, I've always treasured. It makes life a lot less complicated.
Ms X, a 30-something Beijing lesbian, has the same reaction to her exes.
"Usually I can't get aroused or feel attracted to my ex," she says, amused by the question. "In fact, I've already had enough sex with her, I don't want any more!"
Then why am I considering - it hurts to admit it - Ms Y's advances? Does that wily dyke still have the direct line to my clit?
I seek help from another ex - the wise-beyond-her-years, Canadian-Chinese Jockie.
"Don't do it!" She says.
"When it's over it's over. If you have any shot at friendship following the breakup, you need to stay out of each other's pants. No amount of wine and candlelight, or tequila shots and tears, makes it a good idea," adds Jockie, who has slept with what she describes as "far too many" of her exes. Dammit. I think. Why didn't I bring tequila?
"Sure, your ex already knows how you like to be touched and the sex is extra hot because you know you shouldn't... but I think in the end, seducing someone new ends up being far less emotional effort, even if you have to teach them a few tricks," she says.
And we all know how difficult it is for lesbians to divorce the sexual from the emotional. When I first arrived in Beijing I fell into bed with Ms Inner Mongolia after a heavy night with a bunch of rough drag queens in a frog hot pot joint. The sex was sextastic. In the morning I rolled over and she greeted me with a kiss and a "Zao an, lao po!" (Good morning wife!) I couldn't get her out fast enough. A shared early-morning bowl of amphibian soup and a spot of shagging, and in her mind we were already betrothed.
Even if you can have sex with no strings attached, maybe she can't. Indonesian dyke, Slim, tells me she's about to encounter this very problem.
"Sex is great with her [the ex] but I don't know if I should," she says. "My conscience says that I should just leave her alone so we both can move on but I haven't got laid in a while, and I think it really depends on how many drinks I have this Saturday."
At least she's honest.
My loopy friend, Ms L, a British lesbian in a serious relationship with a Xinjiang girl, is shocked when I ask her if she would ever sleep with her ex.
"No," she squeaks. "She's mad and married."
That never stopped you before you got hitched, I think.
"It would be completely inappropriate," she adds. "It would give her hope for more and she'd have control of me. It's a bad idea in general. When you've ended something it's mad to go back. It fucks things up. Never go back always go forward."
But Naomi, a twenty-something American, who's in a committed relationship with a Beijing girl, is having none of it. She thinks sex with an ex is a great idea.
"First, you get laid," she says. "Secondly, the sex will be better than that with a random stranger in a bar because you know each other's bodies and thirdly, the post break-up sexual tension will spice things up."
Well, I dig the getting laid, but not the rest. Seducing a foxy dyke you've met in a bar surely has to be hotter than slipping back into that old routine and any post break-up tension tends to be more splenetic than sexual. I'd rather wring her neck than neck her ring, you could say.
But for some, temptation comes from two fronts.
Jessie, an Australian girl living in Shanghai ended up having sex not only with her ex but also with her exes' girlfriend when she went for dinner at their house.
"I spilt some wine on my top my ex's girlfriend told me to take it off and she would clean it when she came back she started to kiss me," she says. "My ex - was just watching us, and then started to kiss her on the back of her neck... things just went from there and it ended up being a very hot night of sex all over their house... from the kitchen, to the lounge room, to the bathroom - where my ex's girlfriend cleaned me some more... and then into their bedroom."
I can't stop thinking about Ms Y's text. Isn't there any situation where sex with an ex is a good idea? I ask Jockie.
"There is one kind of ex-girlfriend you can sleep with - the 'never was your girlfriend in the first place' girlfriend," she says. "These include summer camp flings, travelling hookups, bi-curious old friends passing though town and hippies or anarchists.
"Dig out the dildoes and go for it," says Jockie. "As long as they are getting on the next bus or plane out of town in the morning."
Which reminds me. I better get on that ticket to Guilin.
We invite readers to share their views and experiences below.
读者回应
In the end, can you handle it? If both parties can, why not?
And if the parties involved were to take the view that 'ex' is only a tag, there's no baggage anyway to have sex between two grown-up, sensibly-discreet, we-do-whatever-we-like adults, except for the fact that they may gain an extra tag of 'slut'. So what's the fuss about it?
Conclusion: sometimes should or shouldn't does not equal to will or will not :P
Don't, if you cannot bear the heart wrenching ache.
My stand is regardless the status is single or attached (if u're welcome complex problems), you can have sex with anyone who gets ur libido going. It's just mind over matter and how much emotional attachment is being applied on the pleasurable act, is entirely up to you. Of cos the control is easier said than done. Once you have exercised it and stay consistent on the lines u have drawn, needlessly to say, you can enjoy great sex with new or old flame :)
"I can't get it up"
**********************
Maybe it would be refreshing to hear a complete article written by an Asian lesbian of Asian origin, unless I'm mistaken about Ms Dinah.
**********************
I feel how far you can go with this depends on how well both of you (ex and self) can decouple emotions and "getting it going".
Woman = complicated
Man = simple
Woman x Woman = very complicated
Man x man = very simple ;). That's why gay=happy
And in response to Magdelene's post:
'Man' does not always = 'simple',
Neither does 'Man x man' = 'very simple',
Nor does 'gay' = 'happy' all the time....
In real life, things are definitely more complex and complicated than those few equations stated....
it as much as complicated as lesbian.. or the straight people too..
it just the person who can decide to go back rekindling the past or not..
because laid back with ex could heat something.. maybe at one side person only but not with the others.. it makes more complicated..
haizz
Being each other's 3rd party when both are attached raves in mystery of why we can only be together when we are apart..
there's no love left.
pathetic ay.
if u looking back ,,,,,,,salty tower be
you are responsible for your own actions if unsure always ask and don't act surprise if its a one night stand because you thought you had a chance.
we all assume alot of things and assumptions are mostly bad for your health. :o)
i have yet to sleep with any of my ex's but i guess i could never come to it. something always manages to get in the way when i really wanted it. lol
When I am single, I did had sex with my ex as they know me best in bed plus I am lazy to search for some ONS in time of need. Hehe
Of course, I am already over him for sure. To me sex is sex and ex bf make a good regular buddy :)
i wish i could have that 'last sex' with her becoz we had a very rough break-up.
But, one thing 4 sure, relationships wise, i don't go back to my exes.
I can solve your problem of lack of getting laid.. *winks*
=)
Personally, I would not do it because it just has way too much emotional baggage involved, even if you parted on good terms. But the question here is really not to lay or not to lay but what is little Ms. Y's overt objective for asking you ?
Sure, it would be fun and all but one must not forget that this little trick is actually and old Casanova manuvoer familiar to all players, ( I am not saying I am one, but I am known as a slut :P ) a romantic setting, wine and dine, undivided attention, some smooth talking and *bam* you're in love, again.
Can you handle that kind of roller coaster ? its not like you are going just down the road to "scratch an itch" and you can slip away like your inner mongolian fling. That kind of emotional blackmail is just bad for one's health.
But then again, we could all be focusing on the wrong thing, for all you know, she is just looking to fill up space with you and to get cheap stuff and discounts and just to fill in the blank time, if that is the case, the emotional downfall could be even worse.
I wuold suggest to let is pass and spend the time at a bar getting drunk with friend and laughing it off.
No,if you're looking for sex alone its better to just get a ONS...of course there's risk bt well..no free lunch huh =p Cause with yr ex, there's too many issues -or shall we say unfinished business??- involved; you or both of you could end up in one emotional tangled web of mess!! lol
That being said, it's just my opinion- of course for those of you naughty ones who think sex with an ex is oh-so-hot fobidden desire- u shld know who u are gals - what's to stop u fr taking the plunge? =D
请先登入再使用此功能。