æ: Bathhouses are usually at the bottom of the list of places when gay men are asked where they would go to meet another men with the intent to have a relationship. And then there are those who view bathhouses as vile, and filled with desperate and/or closeted men, and that anyone looking for love in a bathhouse is surely "looking for love in all the wrong places". What do you think?
Marcel: I couldn't disagree more. How two gay men meet can be very varied – online, at work or the gym, in a club – and to say one way is any 'better' than another is absurd. Especially as it's what happens afterwards, like sexual compatibility, finding out about each other and building trust, that are really important in making a relationship happen. And if anything, I've always found it easier to make this sort of connection with no clothes on, where it was also possible to have a chat and chill out. It's so practical.
æ: What has your experience of saunas been like?
Marcel: When I first started going to saunas – I was 19 and it was on holiday in Paris – it was just for sex. I'd been in the closet until just before my 18th birthday and, like most teenagers, thought about sex more or less non-stop for most of my teen years. Paris saunas for me were a bit like giving someone who'd never seen a department store a credit card. Also, I came from London where at the time there no saunas like the ones in Paris – so open and easy. Plus, there were those really cute Parisian boys and it's true what they say – the French really are the best lovers. I'm not at all surprised I met my Mr Right in a bathhouse and he turned out to be French. It was fated.
æ: How did the idea to write the book come about?
Marcel: It was my 45th birthday and I was having some friends round for drinks. I was chatting with one who asked me how I'd met Pierre; we'd been with for about three years at the time. When I told him it was in the steam room of a 24-hour bathhouse, he was surprised because he thought you only went to such places for sex and suggested I write a book about it. So that kind of got me thinking and a couple of weeks later, I picked up a pad and started writing out a plan and jotting down ideas.
æ: In the book, you mentioned that you met your current partner and last two boyfriends at the bathhouse (on different occasions) over a span of several years. Do bathhouses function the same way as bars in terms of meeting partners? What do think are the benefits of meeting a potential partner at a bathhouse instead of other venues such as the bar (aside from the test-drive)?
Marcel: 'Test-drive' – I love it … maybe more like 'test-drives'. The thing I always liked about saunas and bathhouses was that I always found I could cut to the chase and get intimate that much faster than in bars and clubs and I could also be sensitive to good conversation and 'connection'. My success rate was always much higher and I really believe that finding long-lasting love, to start off with, can be treated as a numbers game. Kiss lots of frogs and eventually you'll find a prince.
æ: Have you had any bathhouse experiences that told you that he's not boyfriend/husband material?
Marcel: Yes, but that was more to do with my having a clear idea of what I wanted and didn't want in a partner. Sure, I've had great times with absolute babes, but I'd never have tried to initiate a second meet hoping for a relationship after a great sexual encounter with such a man if for instance he was very much younger than me or we spoke different languages or didn't live in the same city. I couldn't really see something like that working out. When the dice are stacked against you from the start, best to just enjoy the moment – and in the right sauna with the right guy when you feel just right, it can be a real 'Dear Diary' event, something you'll remember forever and always will make you smile. That said, it was never meant to be a relationship, just a great memory.
æ: What are the signs that the person one is interested in is looking for more than an anonymous or casual encounter?
Marcel: Verbal communication in the first instance. Then more conversation and a shared drink or snack maybe, plus a really good or even better second sexual encounter with the same guy.
Also, myself being a total sucker (so to speak) for good manners, if I have sex in a bathhouse with the same guy twice, the right kind of guy for me should have made some kind of enquiry as to my drink or food needs by the end of round two.
æ: What has been your experience of bathhouses in Asia and how do they compare to those in Europe?
Marcel: In 1997, I was in Bangkok for a while and went to the Babylon sauna a few times. Compared to the saunas in Europe the facilities were much more luxurious. It had more staff and lots of pleasing details, like a TV in the dry heat sauna showing movies, a nice restaurant, little shower hoses in the toilets and a plethora of condom and lube dispensers. Cruising-wise, I did my usual fourth-gear-big-smile-show-off-assets. What was different though was the novelty of being in a Caucasian minority that seemed to be fetishised – it was very exciting and through some great sexual encounters, I met some lovely, open people who became friends. We stayed in touch and have seen each other since in Europe.
æ: What advice do you have for bathhouse virgins who now are inspired?
Marcel: Don't skip the chapter in my book on STIs, HIV and condoms. A gay sauna or bathhouse, where you will be having sex with people who are themselves having lots of sex with other people, is the perfect environment to catch and pass on an STI. But you don't have to. Get informed, not infected. And remember to moisturise.
æ: You found love in a gay bathhouse and now you're happily married. What's it like the other side of the bathhouse?
Marcel: It's great. I love him to bits and although we have our ups and downs, my relationship really inspires me and informs a lot of my thinking. I'm a journalist and work as a production editor at the Guardian newspaper dealing mostly in international news and I've been hooked on what's been happening in Egypt and the Middle East. I think until it's cool for a couple like my Pierre and me to live an open, out, secure gay life like it is in London, Bangkok, Cape Town or Tel Aviv, in all probability reform will be missing a whole lot of people out.
The fact is where LGBT rights are secure, chances are so are most of everyone else's. So just like a straight person being totally at it ease with him/herself and having lots good friendships with LGBTs, a society that's at ease with itself doesn't need to jail people for having same-sex relations.
æ: One last question. How have your parents reacted to Find Love In A Gay Bathhouse?
Marcel: Well, my dad died when I was a teenager, so there's just my mom, who can be quite, er, ... forthright in her opinions. It was a stretch for her to read it – I can't imagine any parent really wanting to know about their adult child's sex life, or vice versa. But in my heart I know she loves me a lot and that if people like my book, she'll be very proud.
Read chapter 1 of the book here. Find Love in a Gay Bathhouse is available in print and ebook format here.
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May God help us all, indeed!
We have been friends via email and host for over 10 years (I stayed with him and his partner during the 2000 Olympics) and they have stayed at my house on various travels.
So, I can vouch for attaining interpersonal relationships in sexually-industrious businesses.
I have to agree that overall Babylon is probably the best sauna in the world. (9.9 out of 10)
I think one in Melbourne,WWW, is better in some respects though, because it has limitless condoms and lube available in lockable rooms ( all of which are free of charge). The pool is bigger than the one at Babylon. In fact all saunas in Melbourne have free condoms and lube.
Saunas are great. They are like speed dating in an some sort of international airport lounge.
Quote edsmale: We don't need to be hemmed in by straight sociatal norms
- No offense, but problem is, why would you think that a preference for building a relationship over time be necessary due to following a norm? Some people just prefer a less promiscuous lifestyle.
Agree with penstate79. Sometimes, i wonder if some gays just wanted a freedom to f**k in the open, than freedom to love.
After all, not only single gay men who are socilise, DTE and willing to get into relationship to go to sauna. Plenty of 'so called' bi-men, married men, partnered men go to sauna.
I was surprised. San Francisco is one of the best gay cities in north America. Why your state government still wanna to interfere gay sex between 2 adults? It is Time that Americans really have to force your authority to court. Canadian gays took the police and our local authorities to court and won our rights in bathhouse years ago.
It seems a bit that we are expecting way too much here.
The bathhouse give you the opportunity to see immediately if someone else gets you hard. If you also get them hard, you can do the business. Job done. Move on to the next one until you are exhausted.
Anything else is icing on the cake.
The most important thing is to eat a lot of cake....
The Author of the book is not getting a love relationship, it is just pure sex that he is more enjoying....
By the way, I dount really like that word, "straight"...
*You do not have to have have sex with people while you are at a sauna.
*Saunas offer a lot different services for gay people e.g a distribution point for gay newspapers and magazines, entertainment, work out, free internet, latest release movies, health counselling for people who want it, health check ups and a place to get clean before a night out in town, saves going home.
*I have noticed that lots of international students and other immigrants go to the saunas, probably because they are safe places to meet the "natives."
There is not just one sort of love available at saunas. They can be a place where you can be part of a community. Sadly not all saunas meet basic standards and seem just there to exploit gay people. However we are lucky to have places like Babylon, Sansuk, WOW and others I am yet to find.
As for saunas in San Francisco...they are illegal because the thought is when people can go behind closed door they may bareback more often. In "sex club" everything is open and can be seen, and the powers that be (health dept.) thinks that will make people use condoms more. There IS "saunas" available in surrounding cities
I think *your comment* is lame..honestly..personal opinion.
People should have their freedom of opinion. You have no right to talk like this. It is very unprofessional to unable to handle criticism. The way you do is not democratic at all.
I am exercising my freedom of opinion :)
The author and people that uses saunas are low class and the people that own and operate these places are total losers and most respectable gay men don't go there. Its all a scam by the sauna owners to grab your wallet and not take responsibility for dirty environments.
One of my friends just got pubic LICE in Towel Club in Hong Kong, what a nightmare that place is.
Its embarassing that Sylvia Tan such a nice person gets involved with the gay sauna lobby in Singapore cause it hurts the GLBT cause more than helps it. So many victims of unnecessary sexual abuse and the incidents that occur there never get reported. It also forms a negative image about our community and the respectability goes out the window everytime she highlights an article about people getting arrested in a gay sauna in Malaysia.
I actually put a clause in my employees employment contracts that they can't do anything immoral to embarrass the company and if they get caught at a gay sauna they will be fired cause its the most embarassing and dirty sex party place to be.
Fridae glorifies it cause they make more money running gay saunas and its much more profitable than running a web site, so its all about the money and not about taking care of people or keeping the place clean.
Plus the condoms they give out or so small and cheap.
I have at least four really good friends who have HIV from gay saunas and group stupid sex and they are suffering from it gravely so I really don't have any respect for the glorification of gay sauna life and a whole business structure and enterprise built on having sex with strangers.
Total fucking losers and the real strong and noble men with class in the gay community who are educated and work hard at their relationships with their partners don't need to go there.
I doubt Sylvia Tan would want her kids to go there. None of the lesbian moms I know approve of such a place and we would rather our kids have sex at home in a safe environment.
"Strong and noble men with class who are educated and work hard at their relationships don't need to go to there". I bet they do though! In fact they are more likely to 'cause they're pissed off slaving for tyrants like you and need some casual sex for a change!
Sounds like you are based in somewhere like Singapore with attitude like that. Close minded, bigoted and complete control freaks.
Am I right? Bet you don't live in Western Europe, the US or Thailand, come to that.
"Strong and noble men with class who are educated and work hard at their relationships don't need to go to there". I bet they do though! In fact they are more likely to 'cause they're pissed off slaving for tyrants like you and need some casual sex for a change!
Sounds like you are based in somewhere like Singapore with attitude like that. Close minded, bigoted and complete control freaks.
Am I right? Bet you don't live in Western Europe, the US or Thailand, come to that.
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