Fridae

(The cars are arranged in alphabetical order.)

Audi Q7

What is it? An enormous 7-seater SUV with the most imposing frontal design.

What you might think: He must be: 1) Doing well 2) Cares for his (nuclear-sized) family.

What we know: Let’s face it, why would a single gay man buy such a large SUV for? Blame it on his insecurity of his penile size. The Bigger the car the Smaller the equipment; over-compensating acts like these means bad sex ahead. Run!

BMW 323i

What is it? The BMW 3-series coupes are still rated as the ultimate driving tool, but in less sexy clothes these days.

What you might think: He must be a really good driver and is passionate in the things he does.

What we know: The same 2.5L engine is installed in both the 323i and the 325i, but in different state of tune. He forgoes 41 extra horsepower to save a mere S$3,000. He might just give your friends socks at a Christmas party.

 Fiat Doblo

What is it? Euro-commercial van and an extremely ugly one at that.

What you might think: Looks like you will be getting hot car sex tonight behind at the Doblo’s spacious cargo bay.

What we know: Looks like you will be chopped into pieces at the spacious cargo bay of Doblo.

 Lamborghini Murcielago Reventon

What is it? A limited run of 20 in LHD (All were taken up for silly money) And there are rumours that one found its way to Asia.

What you are thinking: My date is driving the ultimate porn star’s car. The sex will be out of this world, just like his car!

What we know: He will appear very distracted by the attention he and his Reventon is getting. And you will be just a tool to bait his next sex-date.

 Lexus IS250C

What is it? Lexus (failed) attempt to sex up the IS range with first drop since the rather odd SC430. Boasts the fastest roof and the biggest boot among coupe-cabriolets.

What you might think: This coupe cabriolet looks a bit dumpy, but it should be quiet inside. He could be looking for a long term peaceful relationship, just like me.

What we know: Your second date onwards will be at a golf driving range: as he introduces you to his favourite and only hobby, golf. The CC thing was his bait.

 Porsche Cayman S

What is it? The Cayman S is Porsche’s extremely fine handling mid-engined sportscar.

What you might think: Why not a 911? He must be too desperate for a Porsche batch.

What we know: The Cayman S remains second fiddle to the 911 because Porsche wants the 911 to remain its top dog. The man knows his cars. But you should still leave, the typical Porsche-man are usually more into driving, than driving you.

 Proton Evora

What is it? A MPV from our neighbours from the north.

What you might think: Wow, you must have a big family at home, right?

What we know: A bi-sexual man who is clearly not doing so well financially. He probably needs the Evora to ferry the 3 kids he has fathered. Drama PaPa.

 Subaru Outback

What is it? Subaru’s brand new jacked-up station wagon.

What you might think: This explains the Crocs he is wearing now.

What we know: I think this time: even the lesbians might find this one too bland and way too ugly. Are sure you can be seen in the streets with him? Worse, your friends will laugh (at you) very hard.

 Toyota Camry

What is it? Singapore’s favourite big Japanese brand family car that is made in Thailand.

What you might think: This is so touching; my 19 y/o boyfriend is coming to pick me up for our first date, hours after getting his driving license.

What we know: Even if there are no accidents, you will see a panicky side of him as he suffers from the pressure of faster cars, driving daddy’s car and being on his own without a driving instructor. Actually, you should skip today’s date and re-visit this date when he drives better, hopefully.

Volkswagen Golf 1.4 TSI

What is it? Currently the VW Golf is the king of hatchbacks as it offers a good mix of fuel efficiency and performance and has a classy cabin.

What you might think: Not exactly a premium car, but he seems to climbing up the corporate ladder.

What we know: We told you to get the Scirocco 1.4 TSI. Offers equivalent fuel efficiency but much sexier lines and more fun to drive. This one will be a vanilla in bed.