Which is why it is very disappointing to find that Immortals for all its visual flair, is a total misfire from start to finish. Loosely borrowed from the classical Greek myths of Theseus and the Minotaur and the Titanomachy, Immortals is a decidedly formulaic heroic quest movie.
Theseus, played by the forthcoming Superman Henry Cavill, is a toned, handsome peasant who has been raised in the arts of fighting by a mysterious, kindly mentor (John Hurt). He and his mother are ostracized by the rest of their village since he was the product of his mother's gang rape. Meanwhile, the blood-thirsty Heraklion King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) lays waste to all in his path with an army of scarred, neutered men (I kid you not), trying to find a weapon called the Bow of Epirus that at least as far as this movie shows, allows one to fire magically materialising arrows out of mid-air with unerring accuracy, the impact of each arrow depending on the plot convenience as dictated by the movie. Sometimes an arrow just skewers a victim like any other weapon, and at other times, it explodes upon impact, blasting its way through walls of solid rock and marble. Hyperion ends up looting and pillaging Theseus' village and personally killing his mother just to propel the plot it seems, since a tiny village as such would seem to be a place of no strategic importance to a warlord with an army of thousands and not worth the effort. Theseus of course sets out on a quest of vengeance to rid the world of Hyperion.
If the anemic script by the Parlapanides brothers were all that was wrong with this movie, it would be fine, but Tarsem's imagination seems to have taken a wrong turn as he sets out to create what might be the world's first vertically composed sword and sandal epic. Set after set, shot after shot, is designed to emphasise the vertical, rather than the horizontal aspect, the most common recurring visual motif apparently being narrow spaces delineated by high walls, which is by all definitions a bizarre way to frame and shoot scenes in this genre given that the cinema screen, as well as the human eye, both favour horizontal compositions when it comes to evoking awe inspiring landscapes. The result as shown in Immortals of emphasising the vertical is both annoying and aesthetically underwhelming, and it is not saved by Tarsem’s annoying habit of framing key sequences as tableaux vivants. When the final fight between Theseus and Hyperion arrives and it apparently takes place in a space not much larger than a one-room flat, the result just plain verges on depressing. Tarsem’s visual imagination of ancient Greece perhaps is truly depressing. Greece is apparently not much than a few parched plains surrounded by tall mountains, but most of its inhabitants live in villages carved into seaside cliffs, with rare greenery or spaces to raise domestic animals. In the key scenes where the camera tries to emphasize scale, it shoots from such a distance that the ant-sized crowds on screen all lose any sense of awe. As for the Gods, their habitation on Mount Olympus is apparently a villa that is decorated like a tricked-out Club Med resort from which they laze, gaze portentously, and lament the fates of men.
Henry Cavill as Theseus and Luke Evans as Zeus are game in trying to conveying the wounded nobility of their characters, and Mickey Rourke essays the mumbling gravitas of a old, vengeful lion. Freida Pinto just looks nice. None of them can save a very forgettable and disposable fantasy action film at the end of the day. Immortals may be an imaginative misfire, but it is a misfire nonetheless.
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Anyone expecting something like Homer's Odyssey from the makers of 300 needs an invisible arrow or 2 shot into the space where common sense should live. This is pure eye candy, and marketed that way on purpose. We are not here for a lesson from the great philosophers, nor are we meant to make a comparison between Hollywood versions of mythology and documentary. We are here to see the special effects and hunky men. Of that there should be no doubt.
The critic also seems unaware that Greek mythology is full of stories like this that often don't make sense to someone raised in the 80s or 90s. Of course Hyperion razes inconsequential villages. This is nothing to do with plot advancement, this is what evil tyrants do. Have we learned nothing from Hitler et al.? Does anyone believe Hitler made 'sense' with his actions and behaviour? Immortals has a fair share of gory scenes, with blood and guts stylized like a Calvin Klein commercial. While some see this as unnecessary, it bears noting that ancient wars were not as 'clean cut' as the ones we see today. Where today war killings are done with virtual machines and computer controlled weapons, and victims are vapourized... in the old days it was far gorier. It only takes a Google to show you images of ancient war weaponry and torture devices that will curdle your blood and brain. To me, as gory as a movie like this is, it seems pretty realistic to the period.
And really? You're trying to analyze why the Bow of Epirus fires with seemingly unpredictable results? Have you seen Green Lantern? Do you watch much fantasy or sci-fi? We are not meant to always be able to break things down into understandable chunks when watching fantasy or sci-fi. The silver screen is for escapism. If you want realism, you're watching the wrong genre.
I just wanted to see hot beautiful men without their clothes on -sucks thumb-
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