Fridae

When physical appearances determine one's preference, sexuality, and identity, it seems crucial that we dress appropriately to put across the 'right' signals. But what happens when a femme cannot be differentiated from any other heterosexual woman?

Invisibility for some femmes does hold benefits so as to avoid unnecessary discrimination from the mainstream heterosexual culture. But for other femmes, it is living a life of being unrecognised by their kind. As much as invisibility is crucial to butches' existence, this issue from a femme's perspective is very different.

It is difficult enough dealing with oneself as part of an 'alternative' culture without having to face problems within your society. I am sometimes criticised because I have access to the safety and privileges of straight women - whatever those are: the safety to be raped, denied economic parity, scorned, treated as objects without intelligence? Yes, it is true.

Expressing my femininity does leave me open to this hatred from other lesbians. It is hard to have other femmes, even butches at times to believe that yes, you are one of them as well. Lesbians seem to fear that I am really a straight woman who will betray butches by choosing men.

As a femme, I feel and know that I am invisible to other lesbians within the immediate environment. The only way that seems to convince others of my validity is by looking at whom I am with. Butches often display their 'butchness' physically; femmes who revel in their natural womanliness like myself often are not easily identified as such.

When I enter gay bars alone or with femme friends, we receive raised eyebrows and querying glances about our sexuality. A well-meaning dyke who asked 'Do you know this is a gay bar' even approached me when I stepped in. However, when I entered the same gay bar with my partner, I was immediately accepted without so much as a look in my direction. Is my existence only measurable in terms of my relationship with my partner?

Friends and family, as part of the direct environment, are important to your well-being. They can crush your spirit to survive by not believing, or they can trust in who you are, and love you for that.

There are problems that do, however, arise with friends and family.

A fine example would be their denial of my identity. Some of my friends very diplomatically tell me that I am going through a phase, where I prefer to date butches because of their sensitivity, but once I meet a man who is characteristically similar; I would be straight again.

My mother believes what I am going through is also a phase, if she actually believes I am a lesbian in the first place. A 'real' lesbian cannot have long hair and wear dresses; she has to be a girl parading in men's clothing. Perhaps this is the reason why she still introduces me to her friends' sons.

Invisibility is sometimes, a serious issue, but as in all aspects of life, avoid taking things too seriously.

As a femme, my identity is held secret until I choose to share it with you. As a femme, I might be invisible because I look the same as any other heterosexual woman. As a femme, my existence is only because of whom I am seen with. But as a femme, I empower myself with my femininity. And as a femme, I play the cards dealt to me. I win at times, I lose at times, but in the end, it is the game itself that matters.