Fridae

Men's Health magazine reported in June that men, on average, have 12.4 sex partners (in a lifetime), and have sex 1.5 times per week. These numbers may seem low to many gay men, who generally exercise greater sexual freedom than their heterosexual counterparts. But for a person who is sexually compulsive these numbers may seem shockingly low.
Which begs the following questions: How much sex is too much? What is the difference between frequent sexual encounters and Sexual Addiction?

What is Sexual Addiction?
Sexual Addiction (also called Sexual Compulsivity or Sexual Acting Out) is an impulsively driven behavior that clouds your judgement and can lead to negative consequences in your life. Sexual Addiction is, "a chosen maladaptive coping strategy that provides momentary gratification for the emptiness a person feels inside," according to Derrell Tidwell, a licensed clinical social worker based in Los Angeles, CA. As this behavior continues, it gains momentum and becomes a whole new problem in-and-of-itself. "The person's judgement is impaired by the sexual impulses which leads to reckless behaviors with disastrous results," says Tidwell.

In distinguishing between frequent sexual encounters and Sexual Addiction, you must look at your level of self-control and the resulting consequences of the behavior itself. Frequent sexual encounters may be accompanied by feelings of guilt and minor consequences (e.g., tired and unproductive at work the day after a sexual encounter). Compulsive sexual behavior not only carries feelings of guilt, shame, sadness and loneliness, but it also usually results in devastatingly negative mental, emotional, physical or social consequences. Additionally, sexual compulsive behavior by definition involves an irresistible impulse to perform the sexual acts regardless of the consequences. This lack of control over the problem-causing behavior is the hallmark of any addiction or compulsion.

Anecdote
When Ken arrived for treatment he had feelings of guilt and shame related to his recent sexual encounters. Ken promised himself that these meaningless encounters would cease, but he felt increasingly powerless to stop them. "It's a rush, a feeling of pure excitement, like adrenaline pumping through every vein in my body," he explained.

Like many others, Ken suffers from Sexual Addiction, a maladaptive behavior used to compensate for his issues with closeness and intimacy in his relationships. "It's just so much easier to have anonymous sex with someone I don't know. There is this buildup of excitement and a sexual rush, hoping the other guy will notice me�want me. After we connect, I just lose myself in the sex. It's really not about knowing the guy. I rarely even want to know his name. When it's over, I can simply walk away," said Ken.

During his childhood, Ken's father left his home and his mother in order to make ends meet. Growing up, he received little affection or guidance and he had very little structure in his life. He experienced several significant losses and he learned that closeness with others inevitably results in loss and pain.

As an adult, Ken used sex to avoid closeness and intimacy with others (his greatest fear). At the same time, he learned to satisfy his thirst for attention with sex. But his behaviors only created more problems and complications in his life.

Problems Caused By Sexual Addiction
Whether you refer to it as Sexual Compulsivity, Sexual Addiction or Sexual Acting Out, the issue is not only the sexual behavior itself but also the problems that the addiction causes.

Sexual Addiction can cause problems in all aspects of your life -- physical, legal, financial and vocational. The addiction can also impact negatively on your relationships with friends, family and partners.

A sexual addict may display one or more of the following problems:

� Recurrent, intense sexually arousing urges, impulses or behavior that causes psychological stress.
� Continued display of sexual behavior despite a desire to reduce or terminate such behavior.
� Arrests for illegal sexual behavior including prostitution, indecent exposure, voyeurism, selling or buying child pornography, or sexual acts with a minor.
� Financial problems due to excess money spent on sexually oriented pursuits (e.g., pornography, online sex, phone sex, prostitution, etc.).
� A significant decrease in important social, recreational or occupational activities because they interfere with sexual activities.
� A propensity to engage in additional high risk behaviors including unprotected sex and drug and alcohol abuse.
� Contracting frequent and/or multiple sexually transmitted diseases (i.e., HIV, syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, etc.).
� Continuation of sexual behavior despite persistent physical, legal, financial, vocational, social or relationship problems directly caused by the sexual behaviors.

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Possible Causes of Sexual Addiction
The powerful sexual desires, impulses and behaviors associated with Sexual Addiction are manifestations of deeply rooted mental and emotional issues. The sex is used to compensate for, distract against, cope with or fend off inner turmoil and conflict. Unresolved conflicts, lack of trust in others, fear of closeness, and irrational negative self-perceptions originate earlier in the developmental years of childhood.

"People suffering from Sexual Compulsivity experience difficulty attaching to others because of the vulnerability required of true intimacy. Since they do not trust others, they have a real problem being simultaneously close with and vulnerable to significant others," according to Tidwell. Thus, it is much safer to "connect" with someone anonymously on a sexual level than to become sexually intimate with someone on a much deeper level.

Some of these internal issues include:

� Lack of trust in significant others
� Fear of closeness and/or intimacy
� Negative self-perception
� Unending need for attention
� Low self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect
� Feeling unloved, unattractive, and unwanted
� Self-destructive tendencies
� Feelings of depression, sadness, loneliness
� Views of sex as the only "viable" means of connecting with others

Can Counselling or Therapy Help Me?
If you think you have a Sexual Addiction problem, therapy or counseling may help.

The first step of treatment is usually to recognize that your behavior is an unhealthy way of dealing with emotional issues. A professional counselor may help you to become more aware of both your behavior and the unresolved internal issues that may be causing your compulsive behavior. Your counselor may also help you make healthier behavior choices.

A counselor would likely work to:

� Help you understand that your behavior is an inappropriate and/or unhealthy means of dealing with or avoiding unresolved internal issues and serves only to create further problems in your life.
� Help you identify the unresolved internal issues.
� Work to terminate the unhealthy sexual behaviors.
� Replace these behaviors with more adaptive strategies.
� Build self-esteem and trust while repairing your negative self-image.
� Promote healthier behavior choices and build appropriate close relationships that will function as reparative experiences.

If you or someone you know suffers from Sexual Addiction, encourage them to seek professional help.