Fridae

My friends ask me how I feel about casual sex. I don't normally engage in this kind of sexually gratifying exercise but I've no problem if people want to do it. We all have the right to please ourselves and if we can't do it on our own, then the other only option is to do it with someone else whether that someone is a lover, friend, acquaintance or just someone we met over the net.

We all have our curiosities and I was curious some years back. I had just made a terrible and ungraceful exit out of a significant relationship and being alone after more than two years almost threw me out of the circle of living and loving.

Before that painful innuendo with loneliness, I never thought I would be looking for wild, cheap thrills. But there I was, brokenhearted searching among and into the wrong people who I hoped would make things right. I became lazy, unmotivated to work so I quit my job. I looked for temporary highs so I kept some beer under my bed in my room and drank every night before I went to bed. Worse, I spent hours chatting on the Internet, flirting and looking for dates. I had been set-up by friends with some girls but the set-ups never worked out. Once I started to enjoy someone's company, they turned me down and left. I went out every night to a certain lesbian bar frequented by chatters, only to find myself searching in vain. My existence at that point of grief depended on my perseverance to get laid - or so I believed. Later on, I'd realized I was looking for someone to love.

One night in the stillness of my room and the noise of the chatroom, I mustered enough courage to ask someone if she wanted to have a casual fling. And this Womyn, someone who knew me in person, someone who has met me at an Eye Ball party said "yes".

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The venue was set and I was getting ready. "How does one prepare for an act of sex without love?" my mind was spinning with excitement as my fingers twitched with a lustful anxiety. I waited for her and she arrived. It has probably been a month since I've seen her last and she hasn't changed. She didn't look nervous so I had to pretend that I was cool about the whole episode - after all, I propositioned her, did I not?

The Womyn was tender and sweet, I thought I was feeling a comfortable energy flow through my body as we flirted with each other with little embraces and stolen pecks on the cheeks but there was something missing. At one point, we tried to kiss and I jumped. I suddenly realized that I couldn't even kiss her. At that moment, I felt that I was making a big mistake I knew we might regret if the affair went on. It stopped and I promised myself secretly that I would never do that again.

I realized that I needed love to be there in between us before I could feel true comfort. Yes, I felt good because I finally felt attractive and wanted by someone but that was not enough, I needed to be loved. One part of me was feeling fine but the rest of me was uneasy.

The Womyn and I became great friends. We did talk about what happened and realized that both of us were searching for a Feeling. We could have discovered the Feeling we wanted but we also could have failed and ruined a wonderful friendship by going all the way.

Still, I am glad that I had my taste of the temporary thrill of lustful pleasure and now I know that even in desperate times, one could be discerning and still make the right choices. The ending of the story is inside of my mind and heart. Maybe I changed a few details, maybe I edited out some bits about the Womyn but my feelings were real and we chose not to make the both of us regret what could have been a lifetime of guilt.

Fire is a twenty-something writer-entrepreneur who's also one of the founders of INDIGO Philippines. You can reach her thru firewomyn@iname.com