Fridae

Some lesbians can have such a hard time with dating; they want to skip that part and jump right into a relationship. Some even move in together after the first night of sex. Why is dating - which can mean anything from seeing someone without a permanent commitment to having numerous partners - so hard to do?

Some lesbians are horrified at the thought of seeing someone without a permanent commitment. An explanation for why is often: "I know what I want right away, and if someone can't give me that commitment then I don't want to wait around." But what if commitment evolves from just that -- hanging out with each other, getting to know each other, being content to take it day by day, living your lives together and apart without pressure -- letting the commitment develop naturally over time?

Even if two women know that there is something really special between them, it still doesn't mean that they have to make a permanent long-term commitment. Besides, if you're certain it will be permanent, why define it as that right away? I've seen many lesbians fall in love and know with certainty that they'd met their soul mate. But this alone was not enough to make their relationships work. We are raised to believe that if two people love each other, everything will work out, and it's simply not true. Relationships take much more than that. Sometimes, dating provides the time and space necessary to build the foundation for a more permanent relationship.

Do You Feel Invisible Without a Partner?
As lesbians, our lives can be so invisible -- even within the LGBT communities. Many lesbians feel more visible while in a relationship because there is someone to go out with, a girlfriend to talk about, and someone to be seen with in public. Being invisible, not having easy ways to meet and befriend other lesbians, and dealing with heterosexism and homophobia can be very isolating and lonely. Understandably, some lesbians jump into relationships to avoid feeling this way.

After a break-up, many lesbians feel like their social life disappears. Single lesbians are often isolated, have trouble meeting other lesbians, may feel uncomfortable with traditional venues to meet lesbians, and may feel like an "outsider" even within the lesbian community (for example, older women and women of color). When lesbians do meet someone that they feel comfortable with, they really want it to last forever. Being in a relationship can feel like having a safe cocoon.

Wanting Love to Last
Lesbians may also hurry into relationships as a reaction to homophobic myths; myths that say that lesbians are a fad, are only interested in sex, that we don't or can't have relationships, and if we do they don't last. This may explain why we are so thrilled when two women get together -- even women we don't know -- and disappointed when they break-up even though we know nothing about their circumstances.

Given homophobia and heterosexism, this reaction is understandable. The presence of other lesbian couples gives us hope -- despite all the obstacles we face. Successful relationships remind us that lesbians can be happy together. But when the break-up of a lesbian relationship (for example, Ellen and Anne) feels like a blow to all lesbians, that's a sign that we are reacting to heterosexism or homophobia, not to the circumstances of the women involved. It may seem like evidence that the myths are correct -- that lesbian relationships don't last. This can lead to fear and panic which, if not addressed for what it is, can contribute to your making a commitment sooner than you want.

As a community, we tend to admire lesbians who are in long-term relationships; we assume if they've been together for a long time it's a good thing. We're so starved for good role models that we applaud long-term relationships without knowing anything about their quality. Some lesbians even feel pressured by friends to remain in unsatisfying relationships.

We should be more concerned about the quality of our relationships, not the length. If a relationship is formed out of insecurity, fear, loneliness, invisibility, chances are that it won't be satisfying or last. And while we may not always see them, there exist many loving long-term lesbian relationships that are still going strong.

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Dating Is Not Easy
Dating isn't easy. For one thing, some lesbians disapprove of other lesbians dating more than one woman. You've heard the putdowns -- "She's a player/user/can't commit/just like a man," and so on -- as if dating different women is morally wrong. It's easy to see how these stereotypes can develop; our only role models for dating women is the traditional male gender role. While there are definitely lesbians who don't treat women respectfully, we need to avoid thinking in stereotypes. Just because a lesbian wants to do something that has been traditionally defined as male, doesn't mean it's a bad thing -- after all our choice of sexual partner is socially defined as being for men only.

There are plenty of other reasons why dating can be hard. Dating involves risk-taking; meeting new women, initiating conversations, asking women out, having an evening of conversation with someone that you don't know very well, and maybe nervously thinking about sex and, if so, how to initiate that. Expectations are usually unclear, and you risk being rejected. Many women worry about whether they are physically attractive or desirable; again something which is usually less of an issue in a relationship. No wonder so many lesbians skip this part -- it's too tension-filled!

As lesbians, there aren't many places to meet each other, and the places that do exist aren't always the easiest places in which to be introduced. Outside of lesbian-identified environments, it is not always clear who other lesbians are, or how to broach the subject of a date.

Dating means coping with undefined situations -- not knowing where you're headed, being unsure of what you mean to each other, and maybe feeling insecure and uncertain. For some lesbians, that unknown territory feels out of control and terrifying. To feel more secure, they immediately define the relationship and set clear parameters around it. But, if the definition of your relationship is coming out of fear rather than what you actually feel or want with a particular woman, it can be a setup for failure.

Taking Our Time
It takes bravery and often conscious and deliberate effort to not fall into a relationship after a few dates or sex. Proceeding slowly -- and not assuming that there is only one way to think about relationships -- challenges us to recognize that there are different commitments, and different ways to begin and form relationships. Ideally, you'll want the kind of relationship that suits both you and your partner, and not one that is determined by social expectations, fear, other people's relationships, or the media.

Setting your own boundaries; giving yourself time to see how you feel; discussing how you both view relationships and what you want; spending time apart and with friends; maintaining your usual activities; and distinguishing between sex and love when you probably want both will help you to create the kind of relationship that not only feels good to both of you but that is more likely to last. If you have a commitment to date only each other, what more can be gained in the beginning stages by making a permanent commitment? It's definitely possible to have both the excitement and intensity that characterize the beginning of a relationship without having to rush into a commitment, or neglect everything else in your life. At any stage of a relationship, spending time apart, alone, and with friends improves the time you spend together, including your sex life.

By letting yourself date for a longer period of time, you'll have the time and presence of mind to decide what you really want in a relationship and a partner, and be able to create that. Or alternatively, know more clearly what you don't want. Because the choice of who you partner with shouldn't be made in haste.