"Two men, one cart, fresh pasta - think about it."
- Suzanne, from Designing Women.
If there's one thing on earth that will forever separate gay men from their straight counterparts, it is the former's uncanny ability to spot another member of our "family" however closeted or straight-acting he might be.
Is he gay? Watch out for dead giveaways such as: an unexplained allergy to sleeves, a celestial gym-toned body and an impossibly uniform tan among other clues...
According to gay myths, gaydar is the sixth sense that all gay men are born with - much like our innate ability to accessorize tastefully and watch Beauty Pageants religiously (oh, all right, the latter may be true only in my case).
Although inborn, one's gaydar must nonetheless be honed over time. Accurately interpreting that blip on your gaydar screen does require constant target practice and some patience, but in time, you'll soon be spotting new faces in never-thought-of places and be able to cruise with greater confidence.
However, if your gaydar happen to be in disrepair due to years of neglect or if you are an inexperienced green homo out for your virgin cruise, here are some dead giveaways that even Helen Keller couldn't miss:
Court Evidence 1: Dress Sense
Discounting tees that come with Brad Pitt's fabulous face or screaming slogans (such as "Out & Proud" or "I'm Not Gay, My Boyfriend Is" etc), most gay men are usually "guilty" of being impeccably togged out. Whether it's tight tees, one or more earrings, expensive sunglasses or a good pair of tight jeans that showcases a perky butt, most gay men exhibit an obvious fashion consciousness that would be hard to miss.
Court Evidence 2: Grooming
In line with good dress sense, most gay men can again proudly boost of a good haircut that adds just the right bounce to their coiffure and features highlights that accentuates the cheekbones. If still in doubt, tune your gaydar to detect the following: noticeable cologne that drifts pass when the guy in question walks-on-by, a pampered complexion (due to weekly facials) and an impossibly uniform tan (due to hours spent in a tanning saloon).
Court Evidence 3: Body Wise
While straight men would proudly show off their beer bellies or regard channel surfing as a form of exercise, most gay men would be obsessing over their Body Mass Index and hitting the weights at the local gym in order to attain that celestial gym-toned body all decked out in the latest lycra rage (see Court Evidence 1). And if you are still unsure if that cute guy sharing your workout station is gay, here are some other clues: an unexplained allergy to sleeves, a body resembling Arnold Schwarzenegger's upper torso joined at the tiny waist of Christina Aguilera, and of course, a pair of roving eyes.
Is he gay? Watch out for dead giveaways such as: an unexplained allergy to sleeves, a celestial gym-toned body and an impossibly uniform tan among other clues...
The final clue is by far the easiest. Just imagine, two men shopping for grocery together, arguing over curtain fabrics or trying out trunks in the changing room, what more do you need? And if you encounter a group of cute men on a night out in town (and obviously not on business matters), chances are you're in the presence of family. But what if the guy in question is operating solo? Here's a hint: lots and lots of designer shopping bags.
So does that mean that you can now stand in the streets and pick out gay men by the dozen with unshakable authority? Hell, no. In these increasingly confusing times where straight men are finally beginning to give a damn about their appearance, gay men can no longer judge a banana by its peel (so out goes Evidence 1 - 3).
These days, our straight counterparts are finally wising up to the effects on the opposite sex of a well-fitted crotch and bulging muscles under a tight tee. Conversely, for some inexplicable reasons, some gay men are also becoming increasingly straight-acting (see Rock Hudson) and many are even dressing down to avoid detection by the heterosexual community.
Faced with such conflicting signs, gay men must thus adjust their gaydars to go beyond the outside (even ostensibly "heterosexual signs" such as wedding rings) and focus instead on the eyes. A confident, knowing gaze followed by a wave of sapphic recognition (even though you've never met) or a furtive glance lasting a split second longer than it should, are signs that your gaydar is up and working.
For instance, picture that cute guy in university who always has his arm around some fawning female suffering from salivatory control deficiency. To the untrained eye, he's as straight as an arrow. But when his eyes lock onto yours, it's a direct hit. And if he holds that stare a while longer and smiles, you can be sure that that's a soon-to-be fag hag swooning in his arms.
In the final analysis, using your gaydar expertly and reading the signals right do not happen overnight (unless you happen to be gay and psychic at the same time). It is through sheer trial and error (and a great amount of luck) that one learns to hone one's gaydar until one becomes adept enough to detect the presence of an unseen gay man in another room or sniff out a gay man blind-folded.
But the good news is that once you catch on, you will never lose your sacred ability to spot Friends of Dorothy's however well-concealed they may be. Best of all, when confronted with a homo-in-denial or a closeted queen, you'll finally be able to say: "Darling, you can scoop up a poodle's poo, bronze it, wrap it up with chiffon, take it home and pretend it's a piece of art. But at the end of the day, it's still a piece of steaming stinking turd. So cut the crap and act the fag."
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