Fridae

The silence hung awkwardly in the air.

You've read of "pregnant pauses"?

Of "comfortable silences"?

This wasn't one of those. This was one of those moments you hate, and try desperately to dispel while you fumble towards a semblance of a conversation - with someone, two minutes after meeting, you realise you have absolutely nothing in common with. I'm sure almost everyone has had a similar experience.

Yes, I was on a date. Lord have mercy.

When I first came back to Manila, I never thought I'd be entering into the whole dating-and-courting routine again. Generally, I was pretty happy with my being single. I've always said that I only lived one night at a time. But what I didn't figure on experiencing was the dearth of prospects to be found. My friends were all in that "I'm-too-lazy-to-go-out" stage in their lives, or were happily married. I'd outgrown and gotten tired of the incessant screen-staring you do on IRC. I avoided cruising the malls, because I usually end up buying something I don't need. And I didn't want to pay for nookie all the time.

And, somewhere in a dark, murky corner of my head, an insidious voice kept whispering that maybe I should look for someone to settle down with, the whole car-house-dog package.

So I decided to try one of those post-your-pic sites and see what I got. Since I was probably fresh meat (relatively speaking), I got a few messages.

And so my ordeal began.

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In a way, it's amusing to see the different kind of people you meet. Barely. Granted that nobody's perfect, it doesn't mean that everybody should be imperfect either!

One guy had a habit of setting dates and cancelling at the last minute. One had a chip on his shoulder the size of Jennifer Lopez' ass. One developed this fatal attraction-esque clinginess after one conversation. One was so deep in the closet, the first bars of any Madonna song would probably make him break out in a cold sweat. One had two other boyfriends and was looking for a third (what, a weekend mahjong group?). One sent a photo that looked like Jabba the Hut on a bad day. (Note: Having an I-want-people-to-accept-me-as-I-am mentality is all good and well, but good god, at least use one that looks vaguely human!) One guy was ok, but had the personality and conversational skills of a potato. One was for hire. One was so anal, I wondered if he'd suck in the cushion he was sitting on. One had a thpeech impedimenth. And so on and so forth. To top it off, the only one I sorta clicked with, was happily married!

I'm certain that each of the guys I'd met had their own good qualities to which I was just too blind to appreciate. Or maybe it was just that they didn't trigger any "sparks". I just wish there was an easier way to screen prospects, rather than the hit-and-miss method. Like some sort of pop quiz or chemistry test that will help narrow down my choices.

Part of it, I know, is figuring out what it is I'm looking for. I'm still not really quite sure. What defines attraction? What tells your inner person to give this guy or that guy a shot? Is it always just lust? Almost always, attraction begins on a purely physical level. Once the sex is out of the way, only then does your mind start to wander down curious pathways and you to start to pick out the theme music for your golden anniversary.

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Moving on to sex. That's another issue that screws up the whole thing. Say you meet a great guy. Fun, loving, intelligent, cute, and has it together, etc. But he's not a top or bottom or whichever you're looking for. Do you just say "fuck it", and limit yourself to foreplay, or do you say "nope" and keep searching. Considering how important sex is to gay relationships (at least most long-lasting ones I know), it's a serious factor to consider. I don't really think a great relationship can happen without great sex.

But then again, with my track record, I'm probably not the best authority. Because for most of my life, I've been utterly commitment phobic. The mere mention of the word "steady" can send me running for the hills. And maybe it's not an easy habit to break.

A friend asked me if I was perhaps being too critical, or my standards too high. But then again, is the choice of a life-partner something one should be willing to compromise on? Where do you draw the distinction between "I'm lonely, so he'll do" and "I'll wait." I don't know. I just know that when I think about it, that old song keeps coming back to me: "It's gotta be perfect. So many people take second best, but I won't take anything less�"

So I guess I'll just have to keep reminding myself that there are still some good prospects out there, and that it's just a matter of patience, forbearance and intestinal fortitude. And although I hate dating, I'll probably keep at it with my usual stubbornness. Who knows, eh? The next guy could turn out to be more than just another notch on my bedpost.