Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a mosquito?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.
It is a well-known and well-accepted fact that to get "a-head" in the homo-verse, all gay men - except those who look like models straight from the International Male underwear catalogue - must be able to give good head.
Unfortunately, if you're unschooled in fellatio feats or if you are going down for an oral encounter for the very first time, you're likely to "suck" (pardon the pun) when performing a blowjob.
Fortunately, before readers belonging to the two aforementioned categories start tearing out their hair and "suckumbing" to despair, let it be known that orgasm-worthy oral skills can be acquired and cultivated.
As Fridae's resident sexpert, the burden of educating readers on this revered oral technique long held responsible for bringing both straight and gay men to their knees naturally falls on my broad shoulder-padded shoulders.
To put it crudely, a blowjob refers to an act of sexual pleasure whereby a penis is shoved into your mouth and you suck on it eagerly. When giving a basic blowjob, you first create a vacuum by pursing your lips and using them to "engulf" the throbbing appendage in front of your face.
With cock-in-mouth, you can then proceed to initiate the requisite up and down motion. In most cases, you may wish to do it sensually and slowly at first - after all, you do not wish to be mistaken for an over-enthusiastic participant at the local Apple Bobbing Contest.
Varying the speed or adopting the "Quick Quick Slow" technique can help to prolong the pleasure. Remember to exhale on the way down and inhale when you reach the top - trust me, you do not want to turn blue in the face and pass out halfway.
(Note: Practice makes perfect - so if your partner's penis is humongous, average or pencil thin, you may wish to practice on a salami, a banana or a Yakult straw respectively).
Having covered the bare basics for blowing, let me now share with you my Mind-Blowing BJ Tips which, when applied faithfully and skillfully to any blowjob - will guarantee anyone an "A" grade in any oral exam!
Mind-Blowing BJ Tip 1: Tongue Action
As any sexpert will tell you, one half of a good blowjob is all tongue. An eager and probing tongue is often all you need for a good to excellent blowjob. To start with, you may begin by licking up and down the sides of your guy's shaft to give him a foretaste of what's to come.
Mind-Blowing BJ Tip 2: Lip Service
And as any sexpert will also tell you, the other half of a good blowjob is all lips. When giving head, always (and I repeat always) curl your lips over your teeth (cross reference with Basic BJ Tip 3 below). If your lips are dry or chapped, remember to invest in a good lip-gloss for that extra smooth glide - otherwise, lubricate your lips by running your tongue seductively (not hungrily) over them.
According to BJ experts, the ability to do a Whitney Houston and quiver your lips dramatically when giving head is said to create "ripples" of sensation along the penal shaft. However, such a technique should be left strictly to BJ experts (and drag performers) since it is extremely demanding and may result in severe lip-cramps.
Mind-Blowing BJ Tip 3: No Bite
There are toothy terrors out there who operate under the delusion that penis-biting can enhance the oral sexperience. The fact of the matter is - there is no greater cause of instant shrinkage than the pain of sharp teeth sinking into one's sensitive penis. Unless you're performing the oral equivalent of a Lorena Bobbitt, I would strongly advise against leaving behind any teeth marks when giving head.
As a matter of fact, this may be one of the rare few instances in gay sexual history where oral sex with a geriatric grandfather with detachable dentures may actually be preferable to some cock-sucking hunk with vampiric tendencies but I digress.
Mind-Blowing BJ Tip 4: Porn Speak
For that extra oral stimulation, you may wish to display your penchant for fluent porn-speak. When giving head, put your porn viewing to good use by making (or mimicking) appropriate noises which include sucking sounds, deep moans and guttural grunts.
In the case of advanced BJ practitioners, it is believed that a blowjob can be greatly enhanced with what is known as a "hummer." A "hummer" refers to the act of emitting a slight hum while the penis head is resting against the back of your throat (assuming it's long enough to reach the back of your throat in the first place). The vibrations from your vocal chords is said to be able to produce a pleasant penile pressure.
When performing a blowjob, use your free hand(s) to hold his penis firmly at the base to control how deep he penetrates into your mouth. Having a firm hold is also essential in creating an L-formation and preventing his penis from flopping around like a fish out of water.
With your lips, tongue and mouth already engaged, you may also wish to use your hand to give you that added advantage by incorporating the highly recommended "Up, Twist And Over" handjob technique to ensure that your man continues to "stand" at attention.
Mind-Blowing BJ Tip 6: Surprise Surprise
Introduce an element of surprise into your oral repertoire by slipping a small cube of ice into your mouth before going down on your guy or when halfway through. The sudden chill of an ice cube on an overheated rod can create a spine-tingling sensation that will have your guy biting his pillow to stifle his moans.
While other viable substitutes for ice cubes include extra-strong mints, Altoids, toothpaste and mouthwash, Axe Brand Oil should never ever be considered - except as an ingredient in a sadistic S & M ritual.
Finally, some parting advice: When giving blowjobs, it is perfectly natural to have pubic hairs in your mouth - especially if his follicles down south are the pubic equivalent of an Amazon rainforest. Just stop for a second to remove the stray strands subtly and then resume giving head. Good bedroom manners dictate that you should never make a disgusted face or behave as if you are choking on a hairball (even if you are).
It is also perfectly natural for your throat to tense up - especially when a penis of jaw-distending-and-dislocating proportions is ramming itself in and out or up and down your mouth. To prevent the dreaded gag reflex, you have to learn to relax - both mentally and physically.
Achieve peace of mind by taking comfort in the knowledge that oral sex is completely natural (despite what some archaic Singaporean law might argue) and immensely enjoyable (provided certain personal hygiene standards are met).
Likewise, position yourself to allow for maximal intake by making sure that your neck isn't all bent up. To do so, simply tilt your head back a little to create a straight line into your throat. As an added plus, an upturned head can remove any unsightly wrinkles or the double chin you may have and make your neck appear firm, flab-free and fabulous!
Now go and earn your BJ stripes!
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