Fridae

In gay parlance, a Muscle Mary is a homosexual with a Nautilus sculpted body who spends all his free time working out and eating right in order to attain that oh-so-fabulous body. Commonly sighted at the gym at all hours of the day or flaunting their bare physiques at clubs, Muscle Marys are indeed a sight to behold.

While the favourite pastimes of many a Mary include swanning around the gym and gossiping with fellow muscle mates, make no mistake - most Marys take their workouts very seriously.

In fact, Muscle Marys are so committed to attaining and maintaining the body beautiful that they can be found working out furiously for hours just to get ready for a major gay circuit party or lifting weights religiously on a Saturday afternoon so that they can look suitably "pumped up" for a night out at gay clubs.

Usually clad in sprayed-on gym attire with less material than a Mariah Carey outfit, Muscle Marys believe that appropriate workout clothing refers to outfits that best show off their body parts. In addition to their distinctive gym attire, Muscle Marys are easy to pick out on the street as they wear a discomforted look when dressed in "normal" clothes or any attire with sleeves.

Muscle Marys are also known to spend almost all their income on gym memberships, health supplements and skimpy gym outfits. A quick rummage through the gym bags of Muscle Marys will usually yield the following tell-tale signs: subscription to Men's Fitness, coupons to tanning saloons and more grooming products than you can count.

Having said that, Muscle Marys should never be confused with Gym Queens who delude themselves (and only themselves) into thinking that donning an Adidas singlet and track pants while carrying Tweety Bird sized dumbbells are all it takes to transform them into the musclemen they fantasise about.

For homo-muscle worshippers interested in netting a Muscle Mary, the obvious hunting ground would be the gym (where else?) as well as its locker room and steam room. Many a dedicated Mary can also be found at health outlets such as GNC and Nature's Farm and the sportswear section of shopping centers scanning the racks for the most fetching running shorts.

While establishing the hunting grounds for Muscle Marys may be relatively simple, cruising a Muscle Mary can be an extremely intimidating endeavour. Since most Marys find it hard to take their eyes off their flexing muscles long enough to notice you, you would have to make the first move.

When making the move on a Mary, do not ever engage him in deep conversations. Topics such as the current world economy, philosophical ruminations or political debates are sure conversation killers. (Note: Muscle Marys are not to be blamed for their weak conversational skills - after all overdeveloped muscles are known to restrict blood flow to the brain).

Instead, you might wish to begin by flattering him and then steering the conversation towards exercise and fitness related topics such as how to train your pecs and abs, how to calculate body-fat ratios, what constitutes a high-protein diet or the latest exercise device has-been actress Suzanne Somers is peddling on Sell-A-Vision.

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An additional point to note: since most Muscle Marys are totally into themselves and their physiques, all topics should always focus on - yes, you guessed right - them and/or their bodies. If unsure, memorise the Muscle Mary motto: "Enough about me; what do you think about me?" and tailor your conversations accordingly.

In almost all cases, your success at getting yourself a Muscle Mary ultimately depends on one single factor: are you buff enough to warrant his attention? News flash, girls! Muscle Marys almost never date out of their species. So if you want to date a Muscle Mary, you have to become one in the first place.

The reason is simple. Muscle Marys are not just into their own physiques - they are also obsessed with other men's physiques - especially if those other men happen to be their dates, one-night stands or partners. In the world of Muscle Marys, it's a brutal case of "No Pecs, No Sex" and you'll have to match your Mary muscle for muscle before you even make it pass the bedroom door.

After you have succeeded in convincing a Muscle Mary to get into bed with you, do not rejoice - your ordeal is far from over. Having sex with a Mary may mean that you end up doing all the hard work. This is because most Muscle Marys are used to being worshipped for their perfect physiques and as the object of worship, they can hardly be expected to "work that body" can they?

Since the pleasure one derives from a sexperience with a Muscle Mary is purely visual, my recommendation would be to get your eyeful while keeping sex simple. Begin by worshipping his body and grabbing whichever muscle takes your fancy. Your ability to speak fluent porn may come in useful. Here's a sample: "Oh you musclebound hunk� let your unworthy servant lick/ kiss/ suck/ bite your (insert most impressive muscle group)".

You may then wish to throw in some manual action, a little oral "application" (hardly strenuous given the "equipment" but I digress), and finally, round it off by bringing him to a climax before making a quick (but polite) exit.

Throughout the entire inter-course, it is necessary to bear in mind the following bedroom landmines that you avoid at all costs. Firstly, do not laugh if his wiener turned out to be the equivalent of a shrunken straw - that is unless you favor the two-front-teeth-missing look. Steroid abuse has been known to reduce many a formerly impressive appendages into miniscule shadows of their former girths - so be sympathetic.

Secondly, never ever mar their perfect bodies by leaving behind "physical" mementoes the likes of "love bites" or "cat scratches". Trust me on this - it's never a pretty sight to be shrieked at and physically removed from the apartment by a hysterical and distraught Mary just because of a teeny weeny little scratch.

Finally, never commit the faux pas and assume that all Muscle Marys are by default the "top" men in the bedroom. In the homo-community, being muscular is NOT necessarily related to being masculine - and in fact, many Muscle Marys turn out to be Legs-Up Lucys in the bedroom.

But then again, you would already know this wouldn't you?

After all, that's the reason why they are called "Muscle Marys."