Fridae

Let me begin by first declaring that I'm not a prude - as anyone who has seen (and experienced) my collection of sexual paraphernalia can attest.

Let me then add that I have nothing against gay couples who choose to display their affections for each other in public - within limits.

However, I draw the line when behavior more suited to the bedroom crosses over to the public domain and everyone around (both willing and unwilling) becomes subjected to a "live" performance of the soft-porn variety.

Case-in-point: A dear dear friend of mine recently got himself hitched to the "man of his dreams". Within weeks, my friend and his boyfriend underwent a radical transformation into a pair of conjoined twins who cannot seem to get enough of each other - inside and outside the bedroom.

While my ever magnanimous heart joins them in celebration of their blissful union, my eyes bleed from the constant sight of having to watch them grope each other feverishly at gay clubs as if to reassure themselves that they both still have buttocks or nipples.

To make matters worse, they would break off in the middle of conversations with friends to swap saliva and grope some more. Scornful looks and snide remarks regarding their anti-social behavior would slide off them as water on a duck's back and even serve as fuel for more outrageous antics.

It is therefore no exaggeration to admit that it took a great deal of goodwill on my part to rein in and suppress my natural instinct to shriek "Get a room!" and then shepherd the amorous couple to the entrance of the nearest hotel.

To be fair, my dear friend and his boyfriend are well-adjusted and normally sensible individuals who are perfectly aware that aggressive demonstrations of affection are simply "Not The Done Thing" in public and that any enthusiastic fondling of private parts should be kept private.

Alas, when you put the two horny lovebirds together and factor in the irrational behavior usually exhibited by those under Cupid's spell, what constitutes proper (and decent) social behavior would probably be the last thing on their hormone-addled minds.

When presented with such a scenario, should gay men take a long stroll and leave their friends-in-heat to have a go at it? Or should they clear their throats, look embarrassed and make a conscious effort to look away from where the action's at?

In most cases, I would suggest adopting a tolerant attitude. The reason is simple: according to my personal observations, most couples start to be less publicly demonstrative about their passions for each other as the months roll by.

This is because either their lust for each other will have lessened or because the first rush of heady hormones that blooms at start of a new romance will have finally fizzled and settled to a pleasant background hum in your friends' brains instead of being the one and only thought that monopolises their minds.

However, there are cases where couples NEVER tire of in-your-face and over-the-top displays of tongue gymnastics and physical explorations. If you discover that your friend and his boyfriend belong to this category, then you may wish to consider getting yourself some new friends (just kidding).

Alternatively, you could choose either one of the following two approaches.

The first approach is to throw every lesson you've learnt from the St. Margaret's Finishing School for Girls with Breeding out the window and be extremely rude about the entire sordid thing.

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When your friends leave you hanging in mid-sentence or ignore you completely at the clubs to make out, you could offer a withering commentary on their performance or start holding up imaginary placards - with derogatory scores.

For more extreme measures, you could empty the entire contents of your jug of Long Island Tea on their over-heated heads. However, as a keen social drinker (kindly note that I'm not an alcoholic), I would not advocate wasting precious alcohol - even if it's watered down alcohol.

However, this approach is extremely risky. Being rude to your passion-seized friend and his boyfriend could lead to catfights, face scratching, hair tearing and eventually the end of your treasured friendship.

It should also be noted that such an approach usually works best when your entire clique of friends are in agreement about how offensive the couple's effusive shows of public affections are. In such an instance, presenting a united front and threatening to kick the two of them out of the group may put an end to future shameless shenanigans.

Unfortunately, if the couple are of the view that having verbal barbs thrown their way is a small price to pay for indulging in public passion, then there really isn't much you or your clique can do except to ask if you could do what Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriend did and video-tape the entire carnal act.

The second approach is to veer towards the opposite end and be extremely polite.

In this case, when the lip-locking or physical pawing starts, you could whip out a magazine or a book and start reading or lay out your entire set of Urban Decay Nail Polish and start doing your nails. Remember, a blas� air of nonchalance is what you're trying to achieve here.

Should the couple stop what they are doing to ask you what you are doing, you could graciously explain that while you love them both dearly, you really do not wish to be party to their make-out sessions. And then ask them to show some consideration.

You might also wish to explore having separate conversations with each of them whereby you point out that while you are extremely happy for them and they make a really lovely couple, you REALLY (and I emphasise REALLY) do not want to play witness to their love-fests.

Never make it sound as if they are at fault because they might get defensive. Instead, keeping explaining that you don't want to be a voyeur during their more passionate pursuits. (Note: You may end up having to have this conversation with your friends (separately and as a couple) several times before they finally get the point).

In the course of your conversation(s), one or both of them may point out that in today's far more liberal society, no one should be made to feel uncomfortable about expressing their physical love for one another. Nod sagely, put on your best Colgate smile and then ask them if they would want to watch their siblings, parents, or co-workers in similar sorts of trysts.

Hopefully they'll get the point about people (even close friends) NOT wanting to observe every last detail of their romance - if not, go back to the idea of whipping out a book to read whenever they start putting their sex life on display.

If nothing else, you'll get to catch up on a lot of reading.