Fridae

Hi, I feel like I don't fit in. At school or church I'm treated like "that gay guy." But I'm also treated just as differently at gay places. While there, I've heard other gay people say, "Oh, he's not really gay," or "What's he doing here?"

I don't fit the stereotype of a gay 19-year-old who runs around in a tight-fitting Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirt and designer sunglasses talking about last night's episode of Singapore Idol. But at the same time I don't talk about soccer matches or how I "nailed" some girl the other night.

It's as if I'm not straight enough or gay enough for the world.

To me, the gay community is driven by sex. It's everywhere - on the silver screen, in online advertising etc. In most gay websites, I found myself surrounded by lube and condoms advertisements, porn, and "live pleasure" performances. But I am not interested in having sex right now, so I asked myself, "What am I doing?"

Even though straight people in my generation have taken huge steps toward fully accepting gays and lesbians, I still have a hard time fitting in to the image they have of me. I don't have a straight girl friend to go shopping with and give advice to on dating boys. Although I do have a lot of straight guy friends, I definitely don't have any guy friends to whom I can give style tips or help to understand women's emotions. So why are we still driven by stereotypes? I hope that one day I will be accepted by all for being me. And I hope that future gay youths never have to face this problem.

Rebel w/o Cause

Dear Rebel,

Firstly, you do not want to waste precious time by giving "style tips" to fashion-challenged straight guys. This is not Queer Eye for A Straight Guy.

Secondly, you do not need to go shopping with "straight girl friends" - unless you need an excuse to pick out some hot snakeskin miniskirt or try on female lingerie.

Thirdly, you should not rant and rave against stereotypes and then propagate them by implying that all gay men wear tight tees (even if they do) and are obsessed with sex (even if they are).

If I may be brutally frank, it would appear that your real problem lies not in being typecast by people around you. Rather, you yourself are guilty of stereotyping the homosexual and heterosexual communities as two extreme and disparate camps where never the twain shall meet. That being the case, you should learn to unknot your knickers and re-examine your personal prejudices.

In this day and age, boundaries between homosexual and heterosexual behavior have become increasingly blurred - especially with straight-acting gay men, fence-fitting bisexuals and fey-acting straight men masquerading as metrosexuals. So there's really no such thing as being "not straight enough or gay enough for the world."

Being gay doesn't mean you have to be the antithesis of whatever heterosexuality stands for and vice versa. And being gay doesn't mean you have to leave your individuality stashed away like an embarrassing pair of stonewashed tapered jeans from the 80s. As a gay man, you have the freedom to be whoever you choose to be, not somebody else's idea of what it means to be gay.

So get over it, accept your homo-self for what it is and start enjoying life the way any healthy 19-year-old gay boy would - by going out and having fun before the world passes you by.

Mother Hen To Troubled Youths,
Alvin Tan

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Dear Alvin,

My parents have been pressing me as to why I still don't have a girlfriend. It is understandable for any parent to do that but I am only 18 years old. They suspected that I am gay after they caught me semi-naked with my ex-boyfriend in my apartment last year, and they questioned me non-stop for a few weeks. Throughout the ordeal, I denied that I'm gay.

My father then lectured me about how being gay would only destroy my future but my mother went further by threatening to disown me. On and off, they will bug me to get a girlfriend but I am unable and wouldn't want to as I'm not attracted to the opposite sex!

Recently, I feel that I'm losing bits and pieces of myself as I cannot take any more of this lying and deception. But I still don't want to hurt and disappoint my parents. Should I tell my loved ones about who I really am and how should I tell them? And should I tell all the people around me, like my rugby teammates and buddies?

Closeted Jock

Oh You Poor Closeted Jock!

Unless they are card-carrying members of PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays), no parents would react well to the earth-shattering news that their bundle of joy is a cocksucker. While my heart goes out to you (and your ex-boyfriend), there are no easy answers to your predicament.

My only advice is: Come out only when you're ready. Never let your situation or frustration push you into coming out to your family or friends. You know your relationships with your parents and friends better than anyone else. You decide when and to whom you should come out.

And when the (dreaded) time finally arrives, you may choose any of the following news-breaking channels: a heartfelt sit-down conversation or a "Dear Mom & Dad, it's time you know the truth" type of letter. You could also enlist the help of your siblings or leave "subtle" clues such as printed copies of my advice column on the family dining table.

In most cases, a child's homosexual orientation will never be an easy topic. Just be patient and be prepared to answer many uncomfortable questions such likes of who does what to whom and which parts get inserted where etc.

Unfortunately, in your case, it would appear that your parents would have a tough time coming to terms with your homosexuality (now that's an understatement!). It may therefore be better if you are financially independent before you start hanging the rainbow flag above your room door.

And if all your best efforts at coming out to your family and friends have failed, you may wish to cultivate a network of close gay friends and surround yourself with a surrogate family who will be there for you and accepts you for who you are.

For some final advice, permit yours truly to share with you (and other readers in similar straits), my personal Top Three Things Not To Say When Coming Out To Your Parents:

1) "Honest! It really doesn't hurt that much! I can still walk!"

2) "Now we could go to the hairdresser's and have our hair and nails done together!"

3) "Please don't blame yourself Mom. I think I got it from Dad."

An Ardent Fan of Jock Straps,
Alvin Tan


Dear Alvin,

I met a lady about a year ago. I'm a butch and she's a bisexual. It certainly was a fatal attraction. We've been meeting up and chatting almost daily since then, getting along very well. Her charisma and intelligence are a real turn-on. Her tender loving care is causing much envy amongst my pals. It doesn't matter to me that she's a divorcee with a kid. I'm dead sure by now that she's the woman that I don't want to live without. I'm all ready to commit myself to the woman that I truly love and to take care of a witty kid whom I adore.

Almost everything seems so perfect, except that she's 10 years my senior. I don't give a hoot about this age gap but it's eating at her. She's concerned that I would probably dump her for younger girls some day and kept telling me to find some other girls around my age.

No matter how I had assured her again and again, her sense of insecurity remains. I've finally agreed to her suggestion that I give her a few more months to think things over. Our commitment party can be shelved till then. Other than the already not-so-perfect age gap, I'm also pretty disturbed by the fact that she has an endless string of suitors within her age group. My dear consultant, please give me some guidance. What should I do?

Best Regards,
Deeply-In-Love

Dear Deeply-In-Love,

Unless one party is an unrepentant cradle snatcher or gold digger, most age gap couples never set out to date someone much younger or older than themselves initially. It just happens to work out that way.

From what you have written, it would appear that the both of you need to work on resolving your own issues. You need to work on your self-worth and contain your bouts of jealousy while your partner needs to deal with her insecurity. If she is feeling insecure now, she will be utterly miserable as she ages because she will always be worried that you will trade her in for a newer and younger model somewhere down the road.

More importantly, the questions you and your partner should ask yourselves are:

Question 1: Do you appreciate qualities in your partner which are age-resistant?
For instance, are you attracted to her beauty and body or are you attracted to her personality, intellect, sense of humor etc.? If you are attracted to the former, then problems will arise with the appearance of sags and bags. If you are attracted to the latter, then you'll have less of a worry - unless she becomes a cranky old hag.

Question 2: Are your activity levels compatible?
Does your older partner keep herself physically active and take good care of her body? If not, you could run into some serious differences in stamina (especially in bed) and the types of activities that you can enjoy together as you both grow older could be limited. (Note: Ignore this if you're both into sedentary activities such as basket weaving.)

Question 3: Are you prepared to deal with the impact of the age gap on your sex life?
Get on your knees and thank your lucky labias that you are both lesbians! While the majority of men will experience some erectile dysfunction by middle age, the Pfizer Global study (2000) revealed that aging women should only be concerned with lubrication as sexual satisfaction does not decline appreciably with age - so all you need is a good tube of lube!

In the final analysis, most age gap couples are attracted to each other for the same reasons any other couple is. Just because there happens to be an age difference doesn't make it any different or any more abnormal. As long as the basis for the relationship is solid, age is irrelevant. So here's wishing you a beautiful commitment party.

An Older Woman Herself,
Alvin Tan


Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality/ religion/ sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.