On my way back to San Francisco this June, I stopped over for a few days in Taipei to visit old friends, whose 14-year-old is also my goddaughter. I came out to myself in Taiwan 14 years ago, and a few months later, also came out to these same friends. One of the biggest perks of coming out to all your friends and family is that they often end up asking you to be the godfather of their children. Now, I have godchildren in Singapore, Taiwan and Australia. When I was struggling to come out to myself and the world 14 years ago, churning through my mind were all the pros and cons of doing so. Then I had not the slightest inkling that god-fatherhood could weigh in as a pro-factor. The horrors and stigma of being a "homo" simply drowned out any chance of a balanced assessment of the situation. Just goes to show, life never plays out the way you fear or predict, and you're much better off taking leaps than cowering in the corner, but I digress.
I had watched my goddaughter grow up since she was born and over the years when I returned to Taiwan for visits. On this trip, she had just received the results of her junior high school exams. She did so well that she easily qualified for the best school: Taipei First Girl's High School (北一女). But she said she wanted to go to the second best school instead. Her father promised her that if she chose First Girl's High, he would buy her an iPod, a notebook computer and a mobile phone. Still, she hesitated. As we were driving in the car discussing this, she said: "I don't want to go First Girl's High because that school is famous for producing lesbians. They look like men. It is so disgusting. I don't want to become like that."
Her mother replied: "That is just how they are like, girl. There is no need to feel disgusted. Even if you were to become like that one day, we will still love you just as much." I chimed in: "There is nothing to be afraid of. You are either a lesbian or you are not. You won't become a lesbian just by being near one."
Notice what is happening here: the mother was focused on making sure her daughter knows she is loved no matter what. I was focused on making sure her fear would not get in her way to choosing the best school. No points for spotting who is the kiasu Singaporean.
(Editor's note: Used in Singapore and Malaysia typically in pejorative sense, the word kiasu is derived from the Hokkien dialect meaning afraid to lose out to others.)
But seriously, I have no worries about my goddaughter. Whatever half-formed prejudices she has picked up from her peers and from society will dissipate as she grows up. She is simply surrounded by too much love and understanding.
Talking about it in the open, meeting fear and prejudice with love and understanding: this is what Pride is all about.
Given this perspective, you'll see that gay pride parades are coming out rituals, enacting with colorful theatrics one day per year in the streets what happens without fanfare everyday in cars and on diner tables.
Coming out is more than telling the world the truth about who we are with dignity, humility and sometimes with a touch of panache. It is also a process of reconnecting with society as full-fledged members, equal in every ways.
After I came out to my friends and families, my relationship with them fundamentally changed because I now relate to them as who I really am, there is no more need to pretend or evade anything. The tremendous trust and openness that results made the relationship more real and much stronger. Better still, our relationship also remained essentially the same because the revelation was just another thing that they had learned about me, just like how I learned about their marriage problems, or extra-marital temptations. We keep our relationship strong by continuously coming out, continuously telling each other the truth about ourselves.
All of us, gay and straight, are coming out all the time. Each time I came out and tell the truth about myself, I renew the bonds of trust and love with my friends and (most of) my family.
Why then is coming out so threatening? Why do repressive states such as the one in Russia arrest and suppress gay pride parade? I suspect it is because acts of love and courage always call into question the legitimacy of repression. Coming out about same-sex love in the time of homophobia is like coming out about the love for peace in the time of war. We all know that the easiest way for politicians to gain power is by promising to protect society against itself. And society obliges by giving them power to repress one segment for the 'benefits' of another. Some citizens are labeled sexual deviants while others are labeled unpatriotic traitors. Some governments 'protect' moral values while others 'protect' lives. And we all end up the losers because the things these governments claim they protect are the very thing they trample over.
This needs to be said over and over again because it is often lost. Gay pride is about much more than who fucks who. It is about showing the world how to regain trust and empathy for each other. This is a vital task because when there is no trust and love, fear and hatred will swoop in to fill the vacuum. A society beset by fears and prejudices will support repressive laws in the mistaken belief that these laws will protect them and their children. But examine countries with homophobic laws in their statues and you will sadly notice that they also have many other laws that repress everyone else.
As we celebrate pride, whether by marching, partying or even if just vicariously, let's remember that we are all in this together, gay and straight, men and women, liberal and conservative. And if you still deciding whether or not to come out, don't forget to add god-fatherhood to your pros list.
Dr Tan Chong Kee holds a Ph.D. in Chinese Literature from Stanford University in the United States and is one of Singapore's best-known figures in civil society activism.
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...and quite a good analysis of the "political deal" with it.
Nonno
There's really not much 'meat' in it.
Whatever he's trying to say, can probably be summed up in 4 lines or so.
Life's too short to be reading long articles as such.
How about a bulleted point format?
Jus a comment.
A well written through provoking article from Doc Tan.
Coming out is a never ending process we negotiate every moment of our living lives. How much of ourselves do we choose to share honestly with those we come in contact with? What risks do we take by being honest or by not? What business is our personal lives to strangers that may or may not need to know who we love and live our lives with?
As someone that straddles the cultural west and east, as someone that is neither fully gay nor straight (read proudly BI and no confused fence sitter here), as someone that values both my own dignity, respect and equality and those of others. . . there is nothing more liberating or empowering than living with love for yourself through expressing honestly who you are to the world.
MAY WE ALL ACTIVELY BUILD THE WORLD WHERE THIS WONT MATTER ANYMORE and we care more that people are healthy & empowered and that each and everyone of us has the chance to live with DIGNITY no matter where we hail from, whom we consider family and the colour of our skin or class.
LETS BUILD THIS COMMUNITY. THIS diverse LGBT FAMILY with pride, respect and mutual support n' solidarity!!!
Even though it may not be likely for there to be a big-bang in-your-face type of Pride Parade in Singapore anytime soon, there's no stopping everyone from taking baby steps in our own personal way, whenever the opportunity arises....
I am so pleased to hear you say this . . . I thought I was the only person around who feel this way.
Ultimately, IT IS being honest to yourself. That is integrity no one can get you but by your very own inner strength to step up each time you face the world outside. . . straight and gay.
Bravo! Write more . . . write more!
It has always been the efforts of an entirety of any human evolution . . . gay, straight, women, liberal and coserv.
. . . apart from god-father hood . . . also pilial son and the ever approachable uncle and friend too!
My main reason for coming out was I felt I was losing that connection with my family and long time friends.
I was living in London (originally from Scotland) so in a way it was easier to live the (gay) life I wanted. However this also meant that the new experiences and friends I met could not be shared. This inevitably created a divide -because phone calls or meetings with family would inevitably be a round of half truths or ommissions-which inevitably became too much for me too bear.
Yes it was difficult for all parties concerned when I came out -but honestly can say its the best thing I ever did.
You will inevitably come across prejudice in life (but then who on this earth doesn't) but once you are comfortable with who you are -that gives you the strength to tackle anything.
As a clinical psychologist I have often noted the need for a sense of moral superiority reveal itself in lousy ways like homophobia. Whether sponsored by legislation, religion, culture or mentors, it is a dangerous symptom of human frailty.
I wonder whether apologists for the "Eastern difference" in coming out theory may not be struggling with the closet themselves.
Jus my point of view: anything in point form loses its literary merit. It makes things so functional. It takes away the beauty of language and the art of persuasion. Good for time scarce Singapore but ultimately bad for the soul. Try slowing down and savour your food. Like I said, it's just my point of view.
To Dr Tan,
Thanks for touching the heart of the matter and the hearts of many readers. It's unfortunate that many people from my generation never really had this choice of coming out. It was either be closetted and hurt inwardly or come out and hurt people closest to us. I know how the one closest to me - my late mum would be blamed for my turning out gay.
I'm really happy for the new generation of gays and the choices open to them. Although, there is still so much homophobia here, the future looks bright. So keep looking up guys....I'm rooting for all of u.
Please continue writing - some of us surf Fridae not for the flamboyant profiles, but to catch up with what is the limited number of publications for the community. I embrace diversity, some people prefer to be party fluff, some prefer to be "straight-acting", some just want to be themselves, it is all just us - but different. Embrace the differences in ourselves.
It makes me happy to see philosophical articles can be written here at Fridae, and no worries, you have readers who appreciate such articles. Dr Tan and Alex please keep pushing on.
Chong Kee
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