The relationship between the boyfriend and I seem to thrive on ordeals. It's ironic, but ever since I've entered the boyfriend's life, I seem to have turned it upside down. His cat went missing just two weeks after we went steady. His grandmother got admitted into the hospital nearly two months after. And before I could get to know her better, she passed away a month later. I have to admit that it's the stuff you only see in those cheesy Korean dramas, but I'm glad that it adds some meaning to this relationship.
However, just when I thought the stormy seas have finally settled, fate has dealt me a tricky hand of cards once again. And frankly speaking, I don't know if I can survive this next ordeal.
All this began after the grandmother's death. For some reason, the love between the boyfriend and me has somewhat dissipated. Gone are the quaint little gifts from the exotic locales that his job takes him to. Similarly, the public displays of affection are a rarity these days. Text messages with random declarations of love can be listed together with the endangered species. The days of mushy text messages seeping with dirty puns are just not happening anymore. Even 'physical activities' that bring to mind words like 'seeping' and 'dirty' are a thing of the past.
Dry spells aside, I think this is what everybody means when they say that 'The Honeymoon Period Is Over'. Which is what got me really worried. Is this all there is to a gay relationship, meeting up once a week over dinner and movies, just to update each other with the on-goings in our lives? The occasional gathering with his clueless acquaintances, with me assuming the all-too-familiar role of 'the best friend'? From the looks of it, the boyfriend is fast downgrading from life partner, to simply a good friend whom I meet on a regular basis.
So, like the concerned partner that I'm supposed to be, I sat the both of us down one evening after dinner to have 'the talk'. I figured that this whole thing was going to be tricky, which is why I intentionally picked a smoking area outside Raffles City which was somewhat secluded. I thought that with the cigarette by my side, I could perhaps come up with something tactful to broach this whole topic with. Besides, I've never had much prior experience initiating 'the talk', preferring to just let sex resolve most problems.
We had some idle chitchat about our working lives and just carried on updating each other on the course of our lives. And just when I couldn't take it anymore, I blurted it out:
"You seem very distant lately. Is there something wrong? Because if you're not interested in this relationship I think we should move on and not waste any of each other's time."
There. I said it. A bit abrupt and rather brash, but I guess it got the important message across to the boyfriend. I was expecting some sort of defensive reply from the boyfriend, citing work commitments and the like. But all I got were several minutes of awkward silence and the lighter trying to ignite against the strong tropical wind. And that was when the boyfriend stated sobbing. I was freaking out. Crying people? Not my forte. What more then, a crying person in the public setting?
I panicked. Many things raced through my mind: Do I touch the boyfriend to comfort him? Do I tell him in the most tactful way that it's a public place and he needs to stop crying? Why should I be embarrassed when someone is expressing grief in a public place? What should I say that would help the situation? Do I offer a tissue or my handkerchief? On hindsight, I didn't know if this was a good move, but I offered my somewhat snot-stained handkerchief. I had the flu earlier that day, you see.
In between sobs, the boyfriend started explaining how the passing of the grandmother affected him greatly. 'Tis true that death has this tendency to set one's priorities straight. And in the gay context, I mean literally STRAIGHT. Suddenly, the worldly pursuits and carnal delights seem so minute compared to the after life. For the boyfriend, it was kind of like a wake-up call, to see the real world and its realities, sans the fashionable rose-tinted glasses. To put it clearly, the boyfriend was experiencing a conflict between Islam and his being gay.
Deep down inside, I knew I could trump loss, break-ups or even death anytime. But to battle against a greater force that has been tried and tested over a gazillion years, the boyfriend's conflict is something that's beyond my capabilities. Truth be told, I have absolutely no idea how to go about to resolve an issue like that, falling short of a compromise between both parties. I suggested that to him. But he was rather adamant about the fact that there was no such thing as compromise when it came to religion. And I know I'm in no position to preach about finding the middle ground in one's faith. I gave up mine so that I could be the happy homosexual that I am today.
The evening ended abruptly with the boyfriend excusing himself to go home, albeit with somewhat puffy eyes. It's time like these that I wish I could do something more than just smoke a cigarette or offer an unhygienic handkerchief for the crying loved one. How many times have we wished that we weren't so powerless when it comes to problems like these?
I wish I had superhuman powers like them ordinary people on Heroes. I wish I had the ability to read the boyfriend's mind so that I could find the rights words to say. Or the ability to fly so that I could accompany the boyfriend on his air stewarding job. Or even better, the ability to bend the space-time continuum so that I can prevent the grandmother from dying that early. Alas, I'm just the ordinary gay person who contributes a column to a gay web portal.
So here I am, writing away for Fridae, hoping to get some advice and perhaps, solutions to the boyfriend's moral dilemma. I guess at the end of the day, it's still the effort that counts.
Jonathan Zhang, 22, has been gay for eight years and a nurse for four. You can read the combined average of the above in his blog at www.spankthemalenurse.blogspot.com. Ah Men! will be updated every other Sunday.
讀者回應
Now to the substance; I bet many a person reading these pages has bumped into a conflict between the boyfriend and the boyfriend's faith mostly Islam or branches of Christianity. Chances are that Gran told him once or a thousand times that before she dies she wants to see him settling down with a nice girl, not a slut like you Jonathan just joking there Jono she wanted a girl with a front vagina and the ability to make babies and get married in front of a khadi.
This isn't going to happen of course, but try telling that to a Malay family....they might even forgive a few individual acts of man man main main but they want it all to cease in favour of the halal relationship.
If you really love him then tell him how much you love him. He knows deep down he cannot change his nature. And tell him that you love him so much that you will wait for him to go through his mourning for his grandmother and to come out with the realisation that God does many wonderful things for us all but He does not change the way He made us....being gay is His work and His wonderful mission to at least ten percent of us.
We will all accept it one day, and even reconcile it with our faith in our own funny ways.
If you give up eating pork and be at least a little supportive to him as a moderate Muslim I think you will find that he will greatly appreciate it. Hard as nails as you may be, you must be respectful to his culture for it is a part of him you will never delete.Good luck.
As a woman, I do not wish your boyfriend to suppress his gayness, marry a woman and then go around having affairs with men behind her back while she happily makes babies for him (Other than Jack and Ennis, don't anyone pity their clueless wives in Brokeback Mountain?). He most probably might do that once his duties towards his religion have been accomplished. Am I imagining too much? Maybe, but you can't say this scenario is impossible.
The world may be unfair, but no one should make their lives and others worse than an epic soap opera.
THEY ARE KNOWN FOR SMOKERS......
Do you remember when,
Many seasons ago,
Amidst the spring breeze,
The warmth of the sunshine,
You was the dancing zesty butterfly ah,
Amidst the flower booms,
The sweet scent of lavender,
Yet this poor butterfly,
Caught in the intrigues of man,
Gathers gloom, disillusioned,
What is gained in pursuit,
Does it compensate what is lost?
What is attained in bliss,
Does not come in pursuit, nor struggle, nor fighting,
But in tranquility,
in being at peace at oneself,
In contentment,in forgiveness,
In being that zesty dancing butterfly,
That you once were,
Hard indeed, for one to ever experience the intrigues of man,
And yet see the bright side of all life,
For it is such folks,
Who can truly light up this gloomy world many folds ...
Whoever can understand this,
No matter where they are, who they are,
Happiness will always cling to them,
For they will always be amidst the dancing butterflies in the winds,
The blooming flowers,
the gentle spring breeze last spring ...
Bunny the Zoologist Up ..
Let it go ba...
There is nothing left for u le...
Only scattered leaves in the autumn winds..
Let him go ba...
If its not u he truly love,
Cling to him no more...
Let memories go ba...
If they bring u only pain,..
Shelve them all in a forgotten place in ur
heart...
When u at long last regain ur footing,
And finally be able to face love again,
U will regain all u have lost and much
more...
Its not all darkness my dear frens...
For hope is eternal in faith and
compassion...
Hurry along and learn from this lesson in
life...
Emerging stronger and braver..
Like a butterfly emerging from the
cocoon..
And finally sees its beautiful reflection
on the water puddle...
From: Dr Pek
Heart specialist
(No license one..)
Now, if a person is able to sort out his gay self, the battle is not won yet. There is another hurdle if the holy book tells you not to mix with other non-believers of your faith.
Recently, I met a Christian and when he knows that I a Buddhist, he will quote a scripture in the Bible which says, "not to be unequally yoke"....He prefers to have a Christian bf so that they can attend church together. Isn't it crazy? Life is short but we complicate with more obstacles.
Amen
We have been together for 8 years and 7 months now.
Anyway it was not well received and I wont go into it.
For the past few months, I do have this desire to move on. But I could not as I love my bf so much. However the calling was becoming stronger and stronger each day. I believe my bf definitely knows about it as sometimes I give silly excuses just to avoid sex.
When it finally happens, It was truly unexpected and I was feeling down about it.
However, God's grace is great, I felt that a heavy burden has been lifted off my chest.
Truly I am still the same person. I am gay, I still have that feeling for men but not as crazy as before. I learnt to suppress the thought and I hope I will be guided in this very difficult moment.
A muslim has to abide by the five pillars of Islam. They are
1. To acknowledge the syahada - the acknowledgement that there is only One God and Muhammad is his Messenger
2. To pray 5 times a day
3. To fast for a month during the month of Ramadan
4. To pay the obligatory alms (zakat)
5. To make the pilgrimage to the holy city if one can afford it.
Anyway back to my case now, I seek help from Mom, who I believe found her calling 15 years ago. Living in poverty (my dad never works) and my mom had to work to bring us up, she turn to the Holy Qur'an for solace. She read and re read and understand the Holy Book in a manner that none of us could. Just for your info she is not an educated lady.
Thank God for his Grace, we are far far much better off now.
On homosexuality, she recounts the story of Lut (he is known as Lot in the bible)
And she came to this conclusion and she tells me this :
"you may be gay coz that is how you feel. When you love another man, question this my son, Is it because of his looks? His body? Or YOUR lust? Coz if it is because of this 3 my dear, do repent coz that will lead you to do something else and I am very afraid it will go against the natural order of things. However if you love him for who he is and you dare not tell him about it because for your love and faith to God that is in you heart, truly you are a winner at the end of the day and hopefully God will compensate you for this defect that you are having now for that love is unfulfilled and in that act of selflessness for Him, you will live and lived well."
It got me pondered. Truly I believe she speaks the truth and in that I was much much happier. I am currently embracing myself more nowadays and Only close friends knows about it.
Yes some of you may say it is only a few days but I would like to tell you that these few days has never been the same compare to the years of days that I used to have.
To Jonathan, I hope you would slowly guide your bf to his desired path. Only with your blessing and support he is able to let go.
He needs you at this hour of need coz he is feeling guilty about the whole thing. But what you can do is to give that bit of compassion and I am sure he will remember you for life.
In any case, I welcome any queries that you might have, feel free to msg me.
Regards
Edz
If love does not lead us to heaven, will fake lies do?
If you google 'gay muslim' there are lots of discussions and support groups on this topic, for example: http://www.imaan.org.uk/ .
Religion is not incompatible with homosexuality.
It is our own minds which constrict and bind us.
Maybe you think I am looking at this from the easy side, maybe I did.
Having to love someone regardless of religions and sexes, is not a sin. It should be the greatest gift bestowed on yourself that you are able to love someone back!
Therefore, it is not "against Islam" for your BF to be in a loving gay relationship with you, Jonathan.
If he continues to be in conflict, stick with him, support and reassure him. He is likely to go through a stage where he wants to be heterosexual, marry a woman, etc. And he is likely to go through a stage where he feels he wants to reject Islam. These are quite typical reactions. I went through both myself in my 20s. If he wants to discuss with someone who does not claim to be an expert but who has researched this topic very deeply, and can discuss it in English, Malay or Arabic, have your BF contact me here on fridae.
I like your analogy of oil and water with religion and homosexuality....Cool!
To liken homosexuality to water is so fluid and religion to oil is so messy
You are always saying that someone has been gay for ..."_____ years" i.e.-Nathan Zhang, 22, has been gay for eight years...
Have you been hiding in a closet for the past 20 years?
It is a proven and established fact that gay people are born gay-it didn't just happen one day!
No wonder gay people remain confused when even a high-profile gay website can't even admit that this is our orientation from birth...
I think it's about time I resigned my membership here.
It's really pathetic how this staff thinks. How old are you? 145?
Kudos to Nathan Zhang for confronting the bf.
And, also kudos to him for leaving his own religion that obviously supported homophobic ideals.
Organized religion is man-made, not God-made. Organized religion's primary intent is to control people through guilt and self-hatred via a set of rules only Hitler or an S & M master would dream of.
Islam, Christianity and Hindu all damn gay people as well as women, children and others.
If a person is spiritual, then he or she has a direct connection with his higher power-no need for the man-made intercession by some idiot with a robe and a 4ooo year old set of rules fit for shit.
Nathan is lucky to be rid of the Islamic bf. Of all the religions, that is the most negative against gays, women and equal rights. The ex-bf deserves every bit of pain he is about to put himself through.
I have no respect for these types of religious beliefs.
Gay people need to seek out positive spiritual reinforcement, including each other as support, not homophobic sub-species of religious ideals...
This was a translation by Haji Oemar Bakry - Indonesia in his Tafsir AlQuran (translation)
Al Qur'an Chapter 21 - Al Anbiyaa (Nabi Nabi)The prophets
Verse 74
and to Luth We gave guidance and and We shield him from the land whose people does immoral acts (homoseks)
its the act of it..which i emphasised..so truly he has to draw the clear line..
Oh well to each his own opinion.i stick to mine..
I hope that your boyfriend is able to make the right decision before he loses you and everything you've built together. If he doesn't then it's his loss. The expererience might be painful, but it will make you stronger.
I was fortunate to grow up in an environment without such a stricty religious viewpoint, but I try to maintain a respect for those who see things differently.
All the best.
I do agree in part with what makethebest has mentioned, sometimes we just gotta be a bit more careful with our remarks.
And yes, uness you can live happily and (harmoniously with others) as a free thinker, an atheist or a yoist whatever. When a homosexual needs spiritual support, often it can be vey distresssing for him if his religion is of those...well you should know. So just gotta seek out positive spiritual reinforcement, that emphasizes equality, respect, human dignity and ability, not homophobic sub-species of religious ideals.
I'm happy enough to stick on to my religion/ belief. It is by far most gay-friendly as we know, perhaps due to its ideas of self-reliance, a thinking phylosophical system that's for human evolved/ civilized behaviours.
im not do commit on there
thanks anyway
Maybe if "The boyfriend" were telling the same story, his side would be quite different. Religion is a good scapegoat. Did you show any compassion and support about his grandmother's death, who seemed to mean a lot to him? Did you pay attention to his feelings? Reading your article, it looks as if it is just a big bore to you.
Think your boyfriend needs to clear his own doubts and insecurities. Being a closet and trying to be straight is tantamount to lying to the girl, unless he's bi, of course :P Good luck!
It's easy to say or do what you feel would be better. But if it were to happen on the spot, how would you react?
Jonathan may have said something which could have hit a sensitive nerve there in the boyfriend, but that doesn't mean that he's without feelings nor tactfulness.
Writing well is a skill needed to be honed. But knowing the emotions, feelings and effort put in, is what the reader must realize.
I admire him for his determination to know his grandmother better, for I myself don't even bother to visit my grandmother until she passed on last October. So how is he supposed to write it out?? It's either it turns out to be self-pitiful, or plain arrogance, the way people see it.
No matter what, I'm sure Jonathan knows what he's doing and I'm sure he'll do better =)
Don't worry because there are so many guys out there who are 100% sure that they're gay, 100% sure that they're looking for a long-term relationship, & 100% sure that they don't want religion to interfere with their sexuality.
It's not easy being gay and trying to find someone decent to settle down, makes it even more difficult.
I see. John is only 22, and this bf is only of 4 months.
I think you guys just took him too seriously. This is just one of many so-called heartbreaks and disappointments he's gonna face, until he sort out his own life, and find out just what's he really wants in life.
I am sure by now he would have bounced back and thinking of making sure of his many spa memberships.
John, that's where you belong. In spas, smoking your ciggies and just enjoying your youth while you have it. Stop thinking of Bfs or STRs. Take the time to GROW UP.
i read and re-read this article, and i'm concerned..
you sound powerless and on the verge of giving up and you're resigned on the thought of losing him to his belief. if there is one thing one shouldn't do in times of trial, is focusing your mind on the negatives.
you attract your dominant thoughts. thoughts manifests actions, conscious or subconscious. even if you don't say it, the vibe is there, both of you could feel it, and it hardly feels good doesn't it? it's painful isn't it..
hey... if you think i was talking about 'positive thinking', i'm not. it's more than that. "missing cats", "grandma admitted" and other events, just became a 'social proof' especially for your bf, validating that him being gay, is bad. i don't blame him. hey, let's face it, even you thought to a certain extent that these events might have stemmed from your relationship with him. all these events reinforces his believe... there are only 2 main driving motivation to act, avoiding pain and seeking pleasure.. avoiding pain generally wins over pleasure, but i know one feeling that wins over pain, it's love. isn't it true that sacrifice means pain, but we so often see it when someone is in love?
hey. love is not only a noun, it's also and verb. when you love someone, you do things for them. you create an environment when you can love and be loved. he is in a very difficult situation, he needs your love more than ever, he needs someone who'll understand him and who best to do that other than you?
Islam u said. I dated quite a handful Malays in my life and I hate to said that religion is really an issue to them. A big deal. I assume ur bf is about 20 something and this is really bad as normally we r not that strong emotionally during these ages.
I must said if your bf is under pressure from family and his religion belief of going the "straight way" it could be bad. Usually, it will become a brokeback mountain drama as they will marry and later in mid 30s, coming out to become gay again with wife and children at home.
However, the only advise I can give u is that if u still love him, u need to strong and still be at his side. It really depends whether his emotion can be settle down and he ok again and this demand a lot of patience, caring from your side.
If he still become very distant, then only thing I can say is that you guys have the fate to meet each other but dun have the destiny to be together. :)
Fiind out what are his issues, his concerns about Islamic teaching, and look into these to help him decide if they are fair or not.
Judging him and trying to convince him his beliefs aren't necessary and that he should forsake Islam is only counterproductive.
Everyone must believe what they feel is important for them, and you cannot stand in the way of his spiritual quest. Just help him through this, as you have helped him through all of his other difficulties.
Be loyal, be true, be patient and be understanding. He will see that you wish the best for him and may well love you all the more for it. This is one more trial by fire, I wish you luck and thick skin.
The debate and interpretations on homosexuality and religion has been going on for thousands of years and will probably never end. Scholars & religious leaders have different views. I have struggled with accepting my sexuality until the ripe old age of 28 when I finally decided that I have to be authentic to myself rather than pretend to be straight and bring disaster to my personal love relationships. It is terrible to live a lie for the rest of our lives pretending to be who we are not.
I did not choose to be gay. I was born a gay man and Thank God, I am a happier man for accepting myself & just being myself, lliving authentically than to live a lie to satisfy other people's or society's expectations.
The true goodness of a person is not defined by his sexuality. It is defined by his actions and principles. My gay friends are some of the most filial sons & daughters I have ever seen - far surpassing some straight people who abandon their aged parents & mistreat their wives & children!
It is a terrible thing to live a life of constant fear or pretence. You cannot change a leopard of its spots. Better to accept the spots and live a good, productive life than an unfulfilled, miserable life pretending to be something/someone else!
Religion is a man made moral code created by (wise) men to enable humans to live in peace with each other. This man made code also dictates a form, which it believes to be effective, in which to demonstrate our Faith.
Faith is a personal belief in the idea that the world and everything in it was created by an unknown force called 'God' or Buddha or whatever and that our existence and, maybe, our continued existence after death is part of that purpose. We stand in awe of this force and wish to honour it.
Review the way that the strength of faith has been used by religious leaders to manipulate humans, usually in the cause of power, then you can see more clearly that faith cannot condemn a person for being as God made him/her.
Homosexuality exists both in humans and in animals and like everything else in this world has a purpose even if at this time we cannot understand the purpose.
Ignore the hypocrisies and increase your faith that you have a divine purpose. Near death experiences consistently speak of seeing a blinding white light.
But ive been there too many yrs back ma so call ex now broke up with me cause his main reason he goin to turn str8 because of his mum and religon ive got nothing to say stunned overwhelmed with despair try several attempts to be together until i reach the point i respect his decision ..
till one day i caught him in irc check on his nick, left click `who is' stated come guyz come get me.. what nonsence he even ask ma fren to have sex with him didnt noe the fact that ma fren will inform me of his dirty liars
I was disgusted totally lost respect of him .
He even cooked up story i had affair with other guyz and thats the reason he left me.
Caught him several times playing irc and ask guyz to come to his place for fun ...i believe he still doin that..
He Using religon to just break up... that the most shameful disgusting act i ever seen... so if ur bf wana turn str cause in the name of religon make sure he do that cause the biggest sin is to play ard with ReLigon that no faith at all..
if he is here talking abt religon he not fit to talk abt it at all. shame on him.
being born and bred a moslem is hard, especially for someone who's a homosexual. i was brought up with the Qur'an and the prophet's teachings as my guide and growing up was really difficult for me. often times, i'm confused and find myself questioning the reason for my being the way i am.
it's a never ending battle this trying to reconcile religion with being a homosexual. but i strongly believe that God loves me and no one can tell me otherwise.
every moslem goes through this phrase at one point or another. fret not. if it's meant to be, it will. your boyfriend must come to terms with himself and there's nothing anyone can say or do. i think what he needs most is support from you, no matter what the decision may be. it's not easy for you, i know. but it's even harder for him.
muchlove
R
(1) not sure if he's gay or str*t,
(2) not sure if he wants an ltr, &
(3) not sure if he won't let his religion to convert him from gay to str*t.
In "Latter Days", at the end, 2 main charcters are able to reconcile their differences because they're sure they're gay.
why not leave religion aside and focus on being happy first?
why not leave religion aside and focus on enjoying the beautiful relationship already formed?
why not leave religion aside and focus on living?
Another sobbing, I suppose ... Actually it feels like a stab at the back coming from a so-called bf. There are issues that you can bring up in the net that are interesting, but things like this I think is personal. Anyway, that's your business, not mine, if you are making monies out of this kind of embarassment, well, good for you, I guess dear.
But it's very sad, really to go that low.
Sigh .....
no cute gift to give
just one point to set apart
'the self', from a miserable end
walk close beside those in need
by simple presence, shoulder, hug,
and be a friend.
p.s. And let love conquer all. Even though it might seem to fail at times.
If I were you, I would send him out the door, and make sure the door did not hit his butt on the way out. Bye-bye, who's next.
Faris Malik quotes from The Koran and The Bible.
further info:
http://www.well.com/~aquarius/
This means that Mathew 19 verse 12 is actually Jesus' specific words to gay people.
Using Faris' work would translate the words of Jesus (who is a prophet in Islam) as follows:
For some are gay because they were born that way from their Mother's womb; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. Not everyone can accept this teaching; only those to whom it has been given.
(The one who can accept this should accept it.)
Jesus refers to 3 types of people who should not marry
1. Gay Men
2. Castrated Men
3. Celibate Men (men called by God to be celibate; not for everyone!)
See also Isaiah 56 verse 4 & 5. Many of us believe that the 'everlasting name' is Gay.
Chookas,
Jordan
(website for Faris' research from an Islamic and Christian Gay viewpint)
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