Fridae

Attempt to resuscitate pop career by locking lips with Britney on MTV. Check. Impersonate a frigid librarian by wearing Laura Ashley frocks and writing a couple of children's books. Completed. Nurse injuries suffered after being thrown off a wretched horse during 47th birthday. Been there, done that.

In Ms Scary's opinion, things haven't exactly been looking up for Mrs Guy Ritchie since 2003's American Life - the worst selling album of the singer's career. Fortunately, that's about to change today as the Queen of Pop releases only the most anticipated album of 2005: Confession On A Dancefloor (cue: simultaneous screams from all corners of the homoverse).

Thanks to the head-spinning production by Stuart Price (Les Rhythmes Digitales) on Confessions, the world's most famous Kabbalist returns to what she does best (no, not making godawful movies) and throws shade over pop pretenders (Kylie and Britney please take note) by offering a glorious stream of dance music that flows seamlessly from one track to the next.

Proving that she still has what it takes to dominate dancefloors, Madge serves up sample laden songs including first single "Hung Up" which borrows from Abba's ode to gay men with insatiable appetites aka "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)," "Future Lovers" which samples Donna Summer's "I Feel Love" and "Let It Will Be" where "Papa Don't Preach" meets Kylie's "Can't Get You Out Of My Head."

Ms Scary also finds herself unable to resist executing the Material Mom's Kabuki inspired epileptic fit last seen in "Nothing Really Matters" when listening to dance-driven songs such as "Forbidden Love" (great vocoder effects!), "Push" (tantalising tablatronics!) and "Sorry" (catchy "I've heard it all before" refrain and "I don't wanna hear/I don't wanna know/Please don't say forgive me" chorus!).

Finally, while Ms Scary wouldn't go as far as foul-mouthed Rock Matriarch Sharon Osbourne and call the biggest gay icon "an old hooker," Ms Scary must confess that the pop superstar's latest dancing queen image and her vulgar sit-on-dancefloor-with-legs-apart poses do remind one of a Patpong "meloveyoulongtimetendollars" performer.

Scary's Selected Spins: Every single track marks the triumphant return of the Queen of Pop! Long Live the Queen!