Fridae

One should never lose hope. Homosexuality can strike any straight man at any age. - Roger Peyrefitte

Although most gay men and lesbians ultimately "come out", there are some men and women who may not face up to their homosexuality until later in life. These late bloomers may even manage to continue playing a heterosexual role throughout much of their adulthood, perhaps even marrying and having children.

The reasons for not flying the rainbow flag early in life are manifold. Many do not do so because they do not have a supportive network of homosexual friends or relatives to turn to for support or guidance. A number may choose to repress their homosexuality because of religious reasons while others fear to do so because of the possible negative repercussions both at work and at home.

As time passes, these gay men and lesbians may find that it gets increasingly harder to come out as they become more established in their careers, more set in their pseudo heterosexual lifestyle and consequently, perceived that they have more to lose. Then there is the very real fear of having to play the dating game at a point in time when they are way past their prime. And of course, if one is married with a family, the prospects of a messy divorce and the subsequent break up of a happy family are enough to induce any sane person to order smelling salts by the crateful.

Thankfully, while a handful of gay men and women are content to live out the rest of their lives under the proverbial heterosexual sheep's clothing, there are others who may finally choose to affirm their gay or lesbian identities however late it may be.

Case-in-point: Edmund is 35 years old businessman who has been happily married for 5 years. He has a wonderful relationship with his wife and they have a son. But on business trips out of town, he often goes dancing at gay dance clubs and indulges in sexual trysts with gay men whom he finds attractive. He has, however, recently decided to "come out" although he was advised not to do so:

"Many of the bisexual and gay married friends I spoke to told me not to rock the boat and to carry on as before."

Against their advice, Edmund "came out" to his wife. According to him, while the thought of coming out of the closet may be scary, the thought of remaining imprisoned in it was far worse.

His wife was naturally stunned by his revelation that he finds men attractive but after the initial shock had settled, she finally realized that she shouldn't and wouldn't stop Edmund from being himself.

They had an amicable separation and now share joint custody of their son. In Edmund's case, he was lucky to have an ex-wife who is understanding and matured enough to accept Edmund's homosexuality minus all the recriminations and ugly "Why Me?" scenes.

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However, not all late "coming out" experiences prove to be as positive and affirmative as Edmund's. Eleanor, a high-flying business consultant, "came out" to her family and friends only to find that she had to start from ground zero all over again.

"I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and self-examination until I finally accepted that I was a lesbian. It was then that I realized that I had lived my whole life in denial of who I really was."

As a result of her coming out, her close friends and her cousin Denise, who had been her "closest friend and confidant" since childhood, have all severed ties with her. But the harshest blow of all came when her family turned their backs on her.

It started when Eleanor decided to be upfront about her sexual orientation with her parents who have been bugging her about her spinsterhood. They were so horrified and disgusted by the revelation that they forbade her to even step in the family home: "They told upfront me that I was totally unfit to be part of the family, and at that point, shut me out of their lives completely."

Pat's story is similar. She, too, came out later in life, discovering and accepting her lesbian identity after more than 30 years of marriage and two children. When her ex-husband found out that Pat was gay, he was so upset that he forbade her to continue using his last name. And while her 20 year old daughter was fully supportive right from the start, the transition was worse for her 13 year old son who was doubly devastated by his parents' divorce and the revelation that his mother was a lesbian. Fortunately, he has finally come to terms with his mother's new life although he still refuses to meet up with her lesbian partner.

On the bright side, Pat believes that her coming out brought her children closer to each other and to her. She is full of praise for her children whom have been "so much more open-minded and accepting than normal adults". Still, while Pat said that she hasn't faced any overt hostility from family and friends, she acknowledged that "there are people, including some relatives and friends, who shy away from me now that they know I'm an lesbian".

In all three cases, coming out late does carry with it many complications and negative repercussions. Yet they all pale in comparison to the complications associated with life in the dark dank closet. Perhaps the most eloquent statement of affirmation comes from Pat who said that:

"For the first time in my time, I feel totally comfortable in my own skin. I have a new sense of liberation and I feel good about myself. Most importantly, for the first time, I'm at peace with myself because I'm not living a lie anymore".

In the final analysis, what's important is not when you "come out".

What's important is that you be true to yourself and your sexual orientation.

And that you live your life the way you want to live it.

For to quote Hollis McLaren: "If a caterpillar was afraid of wings, it would never become a butterfly, and people would say 'Hey, look, it's a worm in a tree.'"