Fridae

I was trying very hard to concentrate on Star Trek Voyager when I kept getting distracted by my friend pacing back and forth beside me. "Add a slight hop twist when you get to the end of the catwalk," I told him.

"Haha. Very funny." He said in a bitter voice.

"Hearing that, I took one last, longing look at the screen and shut off the volume. Ok, what's bugging you? You've worked off a week's worth of desserts by now."

"Boyfriend," he muttered.

"What about him?" I asked.

"He's married."

"So?"

"To a woman."

"Oh."

I let the silence hang a wee bit too much, then ventured to ask, "Is he�"

"Bottom."

"Oh."

Grasping at straws, I asked the first thing that popped to mind. "Does he love you?"

"I think so," my friend said. Then he crumpled to the frayed carpet and started sobbing.

Oh boy, I thought to myself. Goodbye Voyager.

It's certainly not unique in Asia. We've heard about it, seen the movies, read the magazines. Girl likes boy, boy likes boy, boy's parents step in, boy marries girl, boy screws boy behind girl's back. Eventually, it ends up in a great deal of pain for everyone, not least of which is the pseudo-breeder himself.

I once got entangled in a similar situation while I was in Singapore. Met a guy who developed a thing for me, and well, I figured it couldn't hurt. Then he told me he would be getting married in 2 months time.

Fortunately, I wasn't hooked on him. So I gently, but firmly, broke it off. I mean, I'd always known I was fated to be a mistress, but I refuse to be a step-parent. At that time, I didn't condemn him for his decision. But neither could I respect it.

Now, you probably think I don't understand the pressures and the stress some gay men undergo when it comes to the "get married and lead a normal life" story.

For your information, I'm the eldest son of a Chinese family, along with all the cultural and traditional baggage that comes with being one. I get the same "when are you going to settle down with a nice girl and produce a pack of babies" crap. But I choose to ignore it.

Don't get me wrong. I sympathise full well with those gay men who have been forced into a marriage of convenience - of appearances. But I can't accept that it's the only choice.

---

We all know how important face is to the society we live in. How vital it is to create the illusion of normalcy, especially for our parents and relatives. And so some of us give in to the pressure, choosing to fit in. For a time.

I'm not denying that some men enter into a straight marriage with fully honourable intentions, only to find out later in life that they actually prefer men.

Some choose to live with it, and make the best of their lives. And some choose to free themselves, and explore that other side of themselves.

I have one friend, who only came to this realisation in his 40s. He chose to come to an amicable separation with the wife, and is now having the time of his life at 60.

Having children is another frequent reason. I wouldn't mind having a little one myself someday. But there are other options one can exercise. Adoption, surrogate mothers, and etc. None easy, but if children are worth having, they're worth working for.

Getting married, having kids, and then brutally hurting them later when they find out that their dad likes boys is much more cruel.

I'm not saying that there's a right answer for everyone. I myself have felt the temptation to live the "normal" life, to settle within the "safer", yet much more drab straight world, get married, have 2 3/4 kids and a dog. But I can't. I know I'd be lying to myself, and that, despite how clich�-ish it sounds, is really the worst thing you can do to yourself.

Many of the gay men who are trapped in straight marriages are of the older generation. I don't particularly blame them - they lived in a less enlightened decade, they didn't know better and they didn't have the kind of support we have today.

I wish them the best in finding happiness, and making the most of their lives. But for those my generation or younger, I caution you to think again. The discomfort you're feeling now will be nothing compared to the hell you would be living, and the pain you would be causing other people.

Do I sound cold and bitter? Of course. I just saw a good friend of mine with his heart broken by a guy who made vows he can't honour, who asks for love without promising a future, and demands gratification without thought of consequence.

Prick.

Next time just hire a callboy.