Fridae

I have a confession to make. I am an ageist. Not in the general sense of the word, but more specifically pertaining to relationships.

As much as I would like to think of myself as a broad-minded cosmopolitan gay man of the 21st century, I have to admit that I have somewhat an aversion to dating a younger person.

This revelation materialized innocently enough. I was having the usual t�te-�-t�te with the boys, a bunch of friends from the same demographic group. It was business as usual, we were sipping our low fat hazelnut lattes until Danny decided it was time to drop the bomb. He is seriously seeing someone 10 years his junior. Needless to say he was grilled mercilessly.

In fact, we pretty much sliced, diced and deep-fried him to a crisp golden brown as well. Although Danny is not one to go down without a fight (unless it's in front of a Versace model with a brocade cushion to match), his valiant attempts to retaliate were in vain.

At the risk of revealing my true age, let's just say that this certain someone is a not a boy but definitely not yet a man - a babe in the woods, wet behind the ears � well, you get the picture. It seems like only yesterday that Danny and we were scoffing at the childish gee-look-at-me antics of younger gay persons, vowing never to get into a relationship with a frivolous minor. But now, he's sleeping with the enemy.

I was intrigued to say the least over his change of heart for I have long assumed that we are like-minded individuals (which accounts for our long-standing friendship). Apparently I was wrong.

Danny's decision to switch camps forced me to do a little soul searching of my own. Why does the idea of dating a younger guy repulse me so? Why is it that even though I admire youth and beauty, when it comes to looking for a soul mate, anyone more than 3 years my junior will be off my list?

It has never crossed my mind that I will ever get involved with a younger guy, in fact I've come to realize that I subconsciously make an effort not to. Not because of some personal whim or fancy, but because of a number of valid and rational reasons (or so I thought).

First of all, at that age, chances are he's probably just stepped into the scene and not exactly sure about what he wants. He's out on a spree, like a kid let loose in a candy store, eager to try out all the different flavors.

In other words, he's immature, unstable, unfocused, scattered and unsure. The urge to experiment is overwhelming and I will never allow myself to be just another experiment gone wrong.

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Secondly, whatever stage of coming out that younger person may be at, I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt and it's nothing to scream about. I can recall all the insecurities and uncertainties I experienced when I was coming out.

Discovering and coming to terms with the fact you are attracted to members of the same sex in a world that generally abhors such inclinations is not exactly my idea of fun.

Like many rites of passage, this one is fraught with emotional trials and tribulations; only difference is there's no pat in the back from the society at large at the end of the trip. Going through it myself has been hell, helping my partner go through his will be like revisiting hell.

Then, there is the issue of common interest. It is reasonable to assume that a person 10 years my junior will not possess similar cultural capital or share the same interests and concerns.

While I fret at the state of my financial portfolio, he is devastated by an outbreak of acne.

As much as he doesn't understand my obsession with art house movies, I cannot comprehend the appeal of cheesy Hollywood flicks. Most of all, spending the weekend listening to BSB, M2M and P. Diddy (I can't believe I know these names) ad nauseam, complete with an update of the latest low-down on celebs is not my cup of tea. How on earth am I going to have a serious conversation with this person?

Subconsciously I have constructed this stereotype of young gay persons and have never gotten around to confront it, as I have never acknowledged its existence. Conditioned by years of social and cultural influences, I have unwittingly become a relational ageist. And I am not alone since I last checked.

Perturbed and disappointed with myself, I turn to Danny, the latest convert in the camp to shed some light on the issue, giving him a chance to state his case in the absence of my Bitches of Eastwick posse.

"You guys are stereotyping and you know it," he said. "It is so unfair to assume that Sam (his new found friend) is immature, unstable and insecure just because he's young." Taking into account of all the "older" people I know who display these characteristics even at their age, I was forced to agree.

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The thing is in this internet-empowered age, young gay persons have access to a plethora of gay resources online at a keystroke or a mouse click. Standing on the proverbial shoulders of gay giants, informed gays are coming out at a younger age than ever before.

Many know exactly what they are getting themselves into and what they want even before they hit their twenties. How then can we be so egocentric as to use ourselves as a yardstick to measure their level of maturity at their age?

Danny added that being with Sam made him feel young again. That, in a nutshell, is why many are drawn to the young. In the proximity of youth, one cannot help but feel born again. "It's not that I don't enjoy the company of my peers," he reasoned, "but there is only so much bitterness and cynicism I can take."

Resisting the temptation to feel offended and scratch his face, I conceded to his point of view. I have to admit that while it is great to be able to bitch about how much life sucks with someone sharing the same worldview, to see the world through wide innocent eyes and experience the zest and exuberance of youth again is refreshing.

As I begin to see why Danny wants to be with Sam, I wonder if he is willing to take another road trip to coming out hell and discuss the artistic merits of the latest Britney Spears single. To this, he replied, "if you're really in love with a person, you'll be more than willing to sacrifice and make compromises for him. That's what love's all about, isn't it?"

And that did it for me. The L-word. In my attempt to rationalize, I have failed to consider this most fundamental ingredient in any relationship. Love knows no boundaries. A little clich� perhaps but clich�s often hold more truth than theories.

You may swear that you will never date a younger person, but when the stars conspire, cupid takes his aim and the old devil called love comes a knocking at your door, you will fall for that special younger someone even if he is but a babe.

At the end of my inquiry, this writer is glad that he has grown a little wiser. Though I am still unable to exorcise all my ageist demons as yet, I am taking my first step towards reformation. And even though I may not have explored all the possible reasons to be or not to be with a younger person, at least I have re-discovered for myself the one reason to be with someone.