Fridae

Dear Alvin,

I like this girl but we are just good friends at the moment. I really would like to take things further but she gives me hints that she's straight. I know how some people can get a girl to turn femme for the first time. How do I go about doing that?

And I have another problem. She likes boys who are "happy" and it's pretty DUH that these boys don't look at her. Her obsession is getting a teeny weenie bit disturbing. Sometimes when I go out with her, she neglects me while I'm talking to her and would appear to be fascinated by "happy" people like you who walked by us.

You can say I'm pretty jealous about the lack of attention. What should I do? Do I try my best to look like a "happy boy" just so she can start getting interested in me or what?

True Blue Mofo.

Dearest True Blue Mofo,

You're obviously in the presence of a fag hag of the highest order. As described in my previous article Fag Hagdom (opens in new window), a fag hag is a female of the straight persuasion who prefers the company of gay men or a girl-who-loves-men-who-love-men.

Take comfort in the fact that what you've just described is a very common scenario. Many hags inadvertently fall for their fags or other fags because they covet what made us so fabulous in the first place. It's mind-boggling but it's true.

As for what you should do, you already know - you just don't want to admit it. You observe that for all her attraction to "happy" people (such as yours truly), we will never reciprocate. Now apply that observation to your situation.

In all honesty, you should not jeopardise your friendship and make things difficult for your friend who has already hinted at her heterosexuality. You should instead be looking (but not too hard) for someone to love you for what you are.

So unless you are a hermaphrodite or are contemplating gender reassignment surgery in the near future, you should forget about trying to look like a "happy boy" and work at being a "happy dyke."

Fag Hag Magnet
Alvin Tan

p.s. I have no idea on how to turn a girl femme - maybe you could strut around flexing your biceps and talking in a deep deep baritone. However, I have some ideas about how to turn a boy butch - just prance around like Richard Simmons in shorts before jumping into bed with him - provided that he's still around after such a flaming display.


Dear Alvin,

I'm a 22-year-old butch lesbian who's been single for a long time. Recently, I realised that I've developed some kind of liking for this gal friend of mine J. Just prior to this, I was still some kind of in love with my ex-girlfriend. She is straight and a year older than I am.

One day, she told me on MSN that she wants to 'experiment' and asked me to introduce some butches to her. I jokingly mentioned the names of some of our friends who are butches and lastly added my own name. She replied that she thinks I'm the best among all of them. I think she's also joking but I'm not sure.

Last year, J got me an X'mas gift which surprised me. It was a cigarette case that I once mentioned as a passing remark to J and I was really touched that she got it for me. I feel that we are getting closer as the days go by. Before our MSN conversation, I did already have a crush on her but I did not do anything thinking that J's straight.

Until now, the friendship we shared is just a platonic one. Now I feel so confused. I don't know if J's just treating me as a good friend, if she is interested to be more than friends or if this is just a one-sided infatuation of mine?

Going crazy,
A Love Idiot

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Dear Love Idiot,

The easiest way to disclose sexual interest is to joke about it - I should know, it's my favourite trick. Your gal pal J's "jokes" are thinly disguised efforts to let you know that she is interested in experimentation. However, as it is too easy to lose a good friend over a bit of rug munching, it may be up to you to find out where she's coming from.

You really don't want to start feeling her up without first feeling her out - unless you want to risk getting scratched, slapped or sued. So pick up your courage and ask J - all-jokes-aside - what she really wants and if it makes it easier, refer her to yours truly's Advice Column this month (shameless plug)!

That aside, it sounds like you care for this person a great deal more than you're letting on. Based on the signs she's sending, you may be right about her feelings for you too. My advice would be to take things slowly and see what develops - but always remember, you should not force or coerce someone you regard as a friend into adopting a label (read: lesbian) that she is not ready to wear.

Going forward, your situation may be complicated by the fact that while she is only interested in sexual experimentation, you may find yourself emotionally drawn to J. In all likelihood, J will continue to identify herself as heterosexual and that may make you feel like she doesn't care for you the way you would like her to. If that happens, you'll find yourself in a most painful position.

In summary, if you can maintain emotional detachment - go ahead and screw her (with her consent). But if you can't - then you may wish to re-focus your attentions and affections on a true blue lesbian who will reciprocate your feelings. The moral is simple: Don't mess around with straight women if you're a "one lay and I'm your wife" type of lesbian.

Your Lesbian Love Guru,
Alvin Tan


Dear Alvin,

I've been in love with this girl for five years. We were officially together for about three years and we had what I thought was the perfect relationship. Everything was great - except for the fact that she was torn between her religion (Christianity) and me while I was also afraid of upsetting my family.

At the beginning of this year she decided enough was enough and cut off all forms of contact with me. Of course, I was crushed but I saw her point of view and wanted her to be happy so I let her go. The problem is I just can't forget her.

Along the way, I've dated various guys but none seem to be able to take her place. This is made worse by the fact that I'm a rather passive person - which is partly why I haven't got attached again. We're going to the same school again this year, and I'm terrified by the thought of seeing her with another guy.

What should I do to make myself forget her? Should I be looking for another relationship (with girls or guys?)? Please help! I'm only 19 and I do not want to spend the rest of my life yearning for a girl I cannot have!

Thanks Lots,
Neither Here Nor There

Dear Neither Here Nor There,

You know in your heart that a girl with that much baggage - especially when they're not Louis Vuitton - will never make you a happy lesbian.

I think you should take a step back and really think about what your relationship with her was like and why the two of you broke up. If Cruella De Ville� oops, I mean your ex-girlfriend was really worthy of your devotion - she wouldn't have done what she did and cut off "all forms of contact." And never rush into another relationship just to forget your ex-girlfriend - that's a sure recipe for disaster!

Right now, you should focus on getting over your ex-girlfriend and feeling a little better every day. There's nothing as head spinning as adolescent love (except maybe for Linda Blair in The Exorcist) but things will get better with time. So while you can't imagine ever being with someone else right now, I guarantee you that your feelings will change as you grow older (and wiser).

Honestly, at 19 years old, you're way too young to think about spending the rest of your life "yearning" for your ex-girlfriend. Instead of fixating on your past, you should instead focus on your future. Concentrate on school, get involved in new activities in and out of school (I hear that all-girl softball or netball teams are where the action's at) and generally put yourself "out there" so that you would meet new people.

And if all else fails, you can then consider undergoing a lobotomy to make yourself forget your ex-girlfriend - permanently.

Always Here, There & Everywhere,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.