Fridae

Hi Alvin,

I'm really interested in this cute guy at the gym. We have been exchanging shy glances but neither of us is bold enough to make the first move! I've been making extra effort to make sure that my gym schedule coincides with his and I think he's doing the same thing too! We almost always end our workouts at the same time and would steal peeks at each other in the changing room. Please teach me how to approach him!

Gym Boy

My Dear Gym Boy,

The way the two of you are behaving, it's as if we're still living in the cloistered Victorian Age. What's with all that time-wasting and energy-consuming acts of "exchanging shy glances" and "stealing peeks"? Just go up to your dream gym guy and introduce yourself before the two of you start to age visibly!

Then again, I must not assume that everyone else possess my level of wantonness. If you are averse to introducing yourself directly, you may choose to adopt the indirect approach and use any of my favourite gym pick-up lines:

Pick-up Line 1: Would you mind sharing your equipment with me?

Pick-up Line 2: Can you show me what I'm doing wrong?

Pick-up Line 3: Which bodybuilding competition/triathlon are you preparing for?
(Works best on straight-acting or really straight guys)

Pick-up Line 4: Can you support me?
(Then proceed to do squats with your butt gravitating towards his crotch)

And if you think that my subtle pick-up lines are still far too brazen for you, then I suggest you drop your embroidered perfumed handkerchief in front of your gym guy and wait for him to pick it up and chase after you.

Everyone's Favourite Gym Bunny,
Alvin Tan

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Dear Alvin,

I slept with my close friend B's boyfriend! It happened when my close friend B was out of town and we both got drunk at the club! I'm wrecked by guilt and wanted to confess to B but I'm afraid of losing his friendship! Please tell me what I should do?

Guilt-Ridden Slut

Dear Guilt-Ridden Slut (an oxymoron indeed!),

Most so-called "respectable" and "moral" advice columnists would recommend that you come clean about your dirty deed with your cuckolded close friend. Lucky for you, I'm the last person anyone would label "respectable" and least of all, "moral".

So my advice to you is very simple: Keep your mouth shut and act as if nothing happened. Honesty in such delicate situations is over-rated and would likely lead to the end of your "friendship" with B as well as the end of B's relationship with his sleep-around boyfriend.

One more word of advice: The I-slept-with-my-friend's-boyfriend-because-
I-was-alcoholically-inconvenienced is the world's most tired excuse. If the two of you can still engage in sexual intercourse after a few drinks at the bar - you're both not that drunk.

The important thing here is to learn from your "moment of weakness" and make sure you don't commit the same mistake again.

A Guilt-Free Slut,
Alvin Tan


Hey Alvin,

I am really tired of not meeting a lesbian lover because people read me as straight almost all the time. One factor I guess is that all my friends are straight. For example: New Year's Eve, I was at Shescape's lesbian event in New York City. My straight friends went with me and I got dirty looks the whole night.

So I guess I have two problems for you:

1) Even though I dress somewhat androgynously at times and am very open about my orientation, I don't feel that lesbians read me as queer.

2) Is it ever okay to go to a club on one's own? My friends do not really enjoy the queer club scene but feel obligated to keep me company.

So what am I to do?

MisRead Chick

Dear MisRead Chick,

So what's a straight girl like you doing writing to a gay advice column? Sorry, I just couldn't resist.

The answer to your first "problem" is relatively simple: your Sapphic Sisters don't "read" you as queer because you're hanging out with the wrong (read: straight) crowd! Hitting a lesbian event with your straight friends does nothing for your lesbian image. In fact, it's likely that you'll be mistaken for one of those dreadful fly-by-night lesbians (and that would explain the dirty looks thrown in your direction). So stop dragging your hetero-mates to lesbian events and clubs, and start cultivating your own group of lovely lesbian friends to hang out with.

The answer to your second "problem" is slightly more complex: there are pros and cons when it comes to clubbing alone. In my opinion, you go to clubs alone only when you're from out-of-town or all your friends have been served home quarantine orders. Clubbing alone is an appalling thought because it often screams "Pick me up!" or "I need to get laid!" Then again, going to clubs alone may mean that you stand a higher chance of making new friends and getting hit on. In your case, you may wish to venture out alone for the first couple of times. But once you meet and make new lesbian friends, you'll no longer have to worry about fellow lesbians "mis-reading" you as "straight" or about whether you have to "club alone."

Your Gay Socialite,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.