Fridae

Dear Alvin,

It's been a year since my awful breakup but I have moved on. I can't mope forever. I stayed celibate for six months and then decided it was time to have a satisfying sex life. I have two regular fuck-buddies now and this keeps my sex life healthy. Problem: One of my fuck-buddies wants to take our arrangement one step further i.e. have a relationship. Hey, I am not against LTR but at this moment, I would rather leave our arrangement as it is. My previous relationship lasted six years and honestly, I was faithful to the dot. I may sound selfish but how do I let him know my feelings and not lose this arrangement? Also, he's only great company in bed. Please HELP!!

Warm Regards,
Sleepless In KL

Dear Sleepless In KL,

Let me share my first epiphany regarding fuck buddies: Fuck buddy arrangements are never meant to last. Let me share my second epiphany regarding fuck buddies: Once you settle into a regular arrangement with your fuck buddy (or buddies), one of two things starts to creep in: boredom or blossoming love. Now let me share my final epiphany regarding fuck buddies: When boredom or blossoming love intrudes, you can say "bye-bye" to your fuck buddy because either one will complicate matters and more importantly, get in the way of sex.

Epiphanies notwithstanding, the person who needs help is not you but your fuck buddy. He needs to understand and internalise the unspoken contradiction inherent in all fuck buddy relationships: Every gay man would love to continue to have sex with his fuck buddy (especially if, like me, they are truly gifted in love-making) but no gay man would want to date or marry his fuck buddy.

So save yourself the mental anguish of trying to sort things out with your fuck buddy. Just direct him to my advice column or print out a copy of my much-maligned article on Fuck Buddies and leave it lying around somewhere where he can find it. After he gets his epiphany, the both of you can return to having the kind of sex that closet cases can only wet-dream about.

A Buddy To Fuck Buddies Everywhere,
Alvin Tan


Hi Al,

I'm beginning to come to you more often for advice regarding more important and major things in life as I grow up. I hope you won't mind. You advised me on my "straight gal" and "playful pussy" problems. I took all your advice and I'm now doing well� except for my family. My family knows of my sexual orientation since young. My secondary school principal called them up to discuss my "problem." Since then, I had to deal with all the problems and learn how to support myself emotionally. But that's not all. Since 13, my mother has been verbally abusing me. I'm 21 this year.

My mother always calls me "abnormal" and says I shouldn't bother studying so hard since no one would employ a "monster" and "sick person" like me. I'm not close to my siblings or my father. We hardly talk due to our different educational background and they think I'm proud because I'm slightly more educated. I'm very proud of the fact that despite all the put-downs and verbal bashings, I've always manage to pull through and come out on tops. I'm now pursuing a degree in a local university and am doing very well.

Today, I come to you seeking advice on another major decision that I've been contemplating for years. Should I sue my mother for verbal/psychological abuse? I know you may think that this is harsh. But honestly, you haven't heard the things that have come out of her mouth. She bangs on my room door in the wee hours of the morning to pick fights with me. Nothing I do is ever right. She picks on me from the moment I get home most of the nights. I'm ready to walk out on this family which has never treated me as a member. They keep telling me how fortunate I am to have parents, food, education and a roof over my head. Deep down, I'd rather be an orphan. Please advise. I'm actually ready to engage a lawyer as soon as I graduate in two years.

Regards,
Abused

Dear Abused,

Of course I don't mind - especially when my advice actually does some good instead of causing irreparable harm. But enough about my ability to dispense sensible advice - let's get back to your problem.

Your plight reminds me of the recent case involving tennis tart Anna Kournikova who sued her parents over the ownership of their waterfront mansion as well as the time pop pipsqueak Aaron Carter took legal action against his mother after accusing her of taking more than US$100,000 from him without permission. My point is that you should take solace in the fact that you are not alone - even celebrities are cursed with parents from hell.

As a gay child growing up in a homophobic household where your family members judge you solely on your sexual preference, you have it doubly tough. It takes someone with a strong constitution and a resilient character to be able to put up with the constant abuse. Fortunately, you strike me as someone who possesses these traits (you go girl!).

Unfortunately, as you are still financially dependent on your parents, I would suggest that you put up with your mother's unruly behaviour and focus on completing your studies. Once you graduate and find yourself a job, you can move out immediately. On the other hand, if you are able to support yourself through university and afford rent, you can move out immediately so that you can concentrate on your studies.

As for seeking legal action against your mother, I would advise you against it. Firstly, there are hefty legal fees to consider. Secondly, you may damage ties with your family beyond repair. And finally, for all her Wicked-Witch-Of-The-East antics, she is after all your mother and she did, I presume, behave like a mother before she found out you were gay? From a really perverse perspective, your mother may be suffering as much as you are - for she is effectively excluding herself from your life. If she didn't love you, her reaction may not be as extreme. So by forgiving her and showing her consideration and courtesy, you may in the long-run bring her to her senses and make her treat you with the respect you deserve regardless of her feelings about your sexuality.

Your Sensible Gay Sister,
Alvin Tan

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Dear Alvin,

It was sweet at first, rocky after that and tentative, more mellowed now. My partner has reduced initiating meeting, sex and intimacy though she still sends multiple sms-es and calls me everyday. She looks for that feeling and treatment that will make her feel good and turn her on but doesn't know it when she has done things to turn me off. When I show disinterest after getting turned off, it becomes a vicious cycle. I need to feel good about her and us before I can engage in sexual intimacy. She fears losing me and chooses to keep a distance for now so that if we split, it won't hurt so bad. I want very much to be close to her and for her to initiate intimacy again as I still feel for her.

Is this LBD? Or is this a cooling-off period when she wants to steer the relationship back to just dating because she's unsure about us? Is she afraid to commit but still wants to hang on to me selfishly? Or is she introducing the distance to prolong the relationship for fear it will come to an end soon after we become too familiar with each other? Is it true that if someone loves me very much, she will always want to get close to me? And if she stops having this desire, does it mean our relationship is in trouble?

All my lesbian friends do not think that this healthy nor will it work out as they think these few months should still be a honeymoon period where none of the above symptoms should appear. Is it true? In your opinion, what are the signs of a relationship in trouble or heading for trouble? How should a healthy lesbian relationship be like in the first year and the years to come? What should and can I do now?

Thanks,
Desiring Greater Intimacy But Uncertain

Dear DGIBU,

Lesbian Bed Death or LBD usually afflicts lesbians in long-term relationships. Unfortunate lesbians suffering from LBD would spend sleepless nights cuddling and holdings hands while united in fervent prayer for some sexual feeling to develop. For my 7 step method to prevent LBD and extend your labia loving lesbian relationship, you can read my previous advice on LBD.

In my opinion, your relationship is not suffering from the dreaded LBD. Before you heave a sapphic sigh of relief, you should note that your relationship is not in the clear. To be blatant, it sounds like your ideal girlfriend should preferably be a lustful lesbian but unfortunately, you ended up with a partner so frigid that even Moses couldn't part her thighs.

Your lesbian friends are right in saying that what's happening between you and your girlfriend is not healthy. In the early stages of any relationship, both parties should be interested in getting to know each other better - emotionally and physically - and not be engaged in counter-productive activities such as keeping a distance from each other.

Since I'm not Aunty Ann Landers, I will not give you a list of suggestions on how you can re-ignite the spark in your relationship by enjoying romantic candlelit dinners or spiking your girlfriend's drink with aphrodisiac. Since I'm not Judge Judy, I will also not bother with saying who's at fault and why.

However, you may wish to note that according to Myron D. Lewis, author of "Making Right Turns In Your Relationship," true compatibility is defined as not running hot and cold in the course of the relationship. Rather if your feelings for each other are constant - even when she drives you nuts - then your bond is the real McCoy. The way I see it, there is only one possible avenue for you: Break out of your "vicious cycle" by finding yourself a new girlfriend with whom you are compatible with in terms of emotional and sexual intimacy.

Dr. Lesbian Love,
Alvin Tan

Click here to discuss more about Lesbian Bed Death.

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.