Fridae

Dear Fire,

I am straight but I am fantasizing over a female neighbour of ours. She's so pretty and sometimes, I feel I am attracted to her. I wrote you to ask if being lesbian will make me happy and if it does, will it make my life harder?

What happens if I choose to be gay? What are the repercussions? Would the comforts of living a heterosexual life change?

Can you answer my question in your next column? I'll be sure to read it.

Pearl

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Dear Pearl and everyone else,

I came from a life that was governed by "rulers." You guessed it, I was straight - or so I thought.

There is a certain comfort sometimes of living a normal, almost worry-free, straight life wherein you can be what you want to be without being labelled as deviant or abnormal.

If you are straight, you can be punk and dye your hair an outrageous violet colour and it will simply be a way of expressing yourself. Whereas if you are gay and out, and you dye your hair that outrageous violet colour, people will say you do that because you are gay.

If you are straight, you can be a painter, the next Picasso, be creative and popular. People will call you talented but if your gay, it's almost as if loving and leaning toward the arts is a given because of your sexual orientation.

If you are straight, you can be a black belt in a dozen martial arts, be "Women's Division" champion in every tournament and people will call you strong. Whereas if you are lesbian, it is a given that you must excel in sports because you are more "masculine" than other women therefore you must be made of tougher stuff.

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It's not easy to be lesbian. It's not easy to have people stare at you because you look and act different from other women. It's not easy to be gossiped about. And in some cases, it's not easy to be unaccepted by your own family.

So maybe it's great to feel normal and totally accepted by society but do we really want to put a compromise on our personal happiness?

The challenge lies within our desire to live as we please, to love those we want to love and be ourselves. How many of us are willing to take this challenge?

Part of the title of this piece is "The Comfort of 'Rulers,'" now ask yourself this, is there really comfort in pretending and choosing a straight life?

Is there comfort in wearing feminine clothing when what you really want to do is jump into your brothers' coat and tie?

Is there comfort in knocking your knees together while walking when what you want is to take big strides like your dad?

Is there comfort in kissing your boyfriend when who you really love is that good looking girl next door?

Is there comfort when straight-looking you sits in a discussion condemning gays and lesbians for being immoral?

Is there comfort in pretending that you will live in a happy heterosexual partnership when you just can't help thinking about how it would be if you were lesbian?

There's no harm in taking the plunge or exploring your sexuality. If in the end you find your true self, it doesn't matter if you discover that you're gay or straight, what really matters is your happiness and how honest you are with yourself.

So if you discover that you are lesbian, the world has not ended. As a matter a fact, life has just begun.

Fire is a twenty-something writer-entrepreneur who's also one of the founders of INDIGO Philippines. You can reach her thru firewomyn@iname.com