Fridae

It's an epic battle of buff beefcakes in the blockbuster movie event cum toga fashion party known as Troy.

Directed by Wolfgang Peterson (well known for his macho movies such as The Perfect Storm and Air Force One) and inspired by Homer's classic The Iliad, Troy tells the tale of "a war that will ravage an entire civilisation."

The story begins in 1193 B.C. with the "blooming" (pardon the pun) nuisance of a prince named Paris (Orlando Bloom) falling head over sandaled heels for the legendary Helen, Queen of Sparta (Alvin Tan), and stealing her away from her brutish husband Greek King Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson).

(Editor's Note: Helen is played by German-born Diane Kruger and not by the delusional Alvin Tan)

Affronted by Paris' frisky deed, the all-powerful Agamemnon (a brilliant Brian Cox), King of the Mycenaeans and brother to Menelaus, unites the tribes of Greece and declares war on Troy - ostensibly to expunge family dishonor but in reality, to expand his empire.

Enter the buff, blonde and beautiful Achilles (Brad Pitt) all a-glistening with body oil, all a-ripping with muscles and all ready to lead the Greek armies to lay siege on Troy. Dressed ever so fetchingly in the gay man's fantasy ensemble of sleeveless breastplates (optional) and leather skirts with blush inducing hemlines, Brad Pitt with his long golden locks is the Greek equivalent of the male supermodel.

True to his reputation as Greece's most fearsome fighter, Achilles spends many an onscreen moment with a perpetual furrowed brow and showing off his oh-so-distracting body in man-to-man combat (and bedroom romps with vestal virgins).

Defending the city of Troy from the Greek onslaught are Priam (Peter O'Toole), King of Troy and father of Paris and Hector (Eric Bana). As the noble Hector, Eric Bana ascends to the sympathetic action hero throne admirably and successfully defends the city - until his death at the hands of Achilles.

Faced with luscious alpha male specimens the likes of Pitt, Bloom and Bana in thigh baring outfits, the female cast (including Saffron Burrows as Andromache, Hector's loyal wife and Rose Byrne as temple virgin Briseis) pale in comparison and find themselves reduced to weeping stage props.

Likewise, the incendiary passion between two of history's most legendary lovers takes a back seat as the testosterone fueled Troy focuses on the men at war, their inner conflicts and their roles in awe-inspiring CGI enhanced epic battles at sea and on land.

Accompanied by Titanic maestro James Horner's sweeping score and beautifully framed by Roger Pratt's cinematography, Troy plays like an extended male beauty pageant with contestants parading around in skirts and engaging in rough play (give or take the occasional mass casualties).

Thus despite its intimidating running time and its laughable dialogue (sample: "Beloved cousin, your beauty grows with each new moon!"), Troy is a movie that will appeal to the heterosexual hungry for another sword-and-sandals epic in the vein of Gladiator and the homosexual with an appreciative eye for muscled warriors with Nautilus-sculpted bodies.